Here at Animal News: The Blogcast, we bring you a wide variety of content; there are opinion pieces, movie reviews, videos and, on occasion, actual news. But what we have been lacking is over-the-top sensationalism. So in our new weekly segment, we will bring you actual stories from “reputable sources” that are almost too unbelievable not to be true. (But in all honesty, they are probably not true.) Without further ado: Tabloid Thursday!
Last week, the Weekly World News (which bills itself as “The World’s Only Reliable News”) reported of a new and terrifying infestation in Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania. (Not the Jersey Shore that is infested with spray-tanned degenerates.) The rampaging vermin are purple squirrels!
From Weekly World News
You may be wondering: what is so terrifying about flamboyant squirrels? Well according the Weekly World News, “The fuchsia beasts are rampaging through the streets of Jersey Shore. Swarms of the purple squirrels have destroyed dozens of houses and there are over 57 people that have been taken to the hospital with multiple squirrel bites.”
You read that right, “destroyed dozens of houses.” Destroyed dozens of houses! As if they are little furry Godzillas!
And what do the experts have to say about these demon rodents? According to a “local squirrel expert,” the squirrel in the photos is not dyed. “I’ve tried to dye my dog before,” he says, “and trust me it didn’t look like this.” In the interest of full disclosure, he also admitted that he has only seen the photographs and has not witnessed any of the carnage himself.
As to why the squirrels are on this bender of violence, the expert can only speculate. “They must have been provoked in some way, that’s all I can come up with.”
Other news sources such as the Daily Mail, MSNBC and the Christian Science Monitor are also reporting on the existence of a purple squirrel. That is to say, one purple squirrel. The lone critter even has its own page on Facebook with over 8,500 fans. Why these other news outlets are covering up the existence of roving packs of squirrels and the insane amount of violence they are inflicting remains a mystery.
Read the full, hard-hitting report at Weekly World News.
I read Somewhere™ that the squirrel might have turned purple due to falling in a Port o John – which even in an insane world, it is a plausible explanation. But if that’s the case, chances are it turned radioactive and multiplied itself into millions of purple dopplegangers all of whom subsequently wrecked house to get revenge on blue toilet water.
There is an Easter egg of sorts hidden in the text that hints at the toilet water theory.