So, you’ve murdered a whale.
Maybe it was taunting you for the last time or you scrambled its brain with your SONAR testing. Maybe you didn’t clip the six pack ringlets and the global warming jacked up its swim routes. It’s possible your pet dolphins talked the poor thing into thinking it was people or something. You poisoned it or had an unsavory hit-and-run incident. More likely, you used black magic on it or something cause it seems like we don’t really know why whales get beached. I don’t know and I’m not here to judge.
Now you’ve got a real problem on your hands. How to get rid of the body.
Thankfully, you’ve got your choice of options depending on the site and the tools and time you have available to get this over with. Don’t think you need to do anything about it? That can’t be right cause you know those things attract diseases and stink to high heavens, right? And if you’re anything like the guys in Australia who recently found themselves with 22 sperm whales on their beach, you can’t afford to have all the nasty crap just accumulating and possibly exploding their stoachs all over the place.
I’ve ordered these in what I think is most practical to least based on, I don’t know, whatever the fuck I think is appropriate. Let’s begin.
Cut up & Sell to Science
This is going to sound weird but I’ve always enjoyed seeing whale skeletons in museums. Of course, I know whales are big but their creepy skeletons hanging majestically overhead give a real sense of scale for these animals and it’s incredibly humbling. But whale parts are for more than just pretty mobiles. By giving the pieces over to cetacean biologists (I prefer the term “whalologists”), we could actually figure out what sent the whales to their demise in the first place along with probably some other kickass whale stuff.
But I can see why it’s kind of an issue since carving whales is incredibly labor intensive and (probably) gross. I also need to mention that the “Sell to Science” part is crucial. You can’t just cut up dead whales if you’re some PhD-less yahoo.
Drag It Out to Sea
If you check out this awesome puppet version of a whale’s natural decomposition in the deep sea, you can see why this idea is a sensible one. Other animals get rid of the evidence by eating it. And it’s not like a few animals or even a few species benefit from a dead whale. There are species wholly dedicated the task; freeloaders and scavengers whose lives might depend on getting this fatty bounty.
The problem with this is the moving seems to be pretty intense too and pricey to boot. And I dunno if you guys saw that episode of The Walking Dead where they tried to pull the zombie out of the well and it fell apart but that seems like a likely outcome as well.
Just imagine that with a whale. Better yet, a zombie whale.
Bury It Away From the Crime Scene
This seems like the most common way to get rid of a whale. Throw it in a landfill or hold a candlelight vigil or just put out of the way of tourists and everyone is happy. This method has also been suggested to get the skeletons clean for scientists to use later on. I mean why let the deep sea nightmares get the meal of a lifetime when we have perfectly good, starving scavengers on land?
Yet, said land scanvengers don’t really know how to do this. Plus the moving part is an expensive process that can take forever and be totally nasty in the meantime. Bacterias involved tend to make carcasses melt if real animals aren’t chowing down on the flesh. So yeah, grossness for the long haul.
Burn Them. Burn Them All.
I’m not sure why this is so low on the list. It’s the fastest and cheapest way to get rid of beached whales and seems to be just as popular as burying the animals. Perhaps I’m not looking at the situation like a criminal. *I* don’t like wasting things and all the methods before this one feel like some way of justifying a sad event. But any real criminal knows that burning gets rid of evidence and, despite having some god awful smell, clears the area with the least amount of drama and back-breaking labor.
There’s no huge downside to this except the smells. Light a Glade candle and deal.
Don’t do this. It will make you sick and there’s no way you’ll finish the job in any reasonable amount of time. Did you see that puppet video? It will take for goddamn ever.
This is barely worse. But if you do this, you have to have a backup plan that involves cleaning up splattered whale bits and avoiding the giant bits raining down on you after your idiot plan, Oregon. But I guess if what you want is just a big “fuck you” to everyone within a half mile of the crime, then you’ve got the perfect solution.
Alternative Mix & Match Methods to Dispose of Carcasses (Patent Pending)
Burn + Eat
Whale meat is meat. Cook it up in some butter and add your favorite sauce for a phenomenal cookout. Make sure to make a whole shindig out of it because you and your party of 1000 will be eating quite a bit tonight.
Bury + Eat
You read the thing with fermenting birds, right? Tie up birds, stuff in seal skin and bury until they taste like cheese. Now, you’d have to find a larger whale to stuff the first whale into and do it in a super cold environment to keep the bad bacteria out. I mean minus that last part, the Australians could pull off some sort of turducken-like dish with fermented whales and feast like kings for weeks. But make sure you wrap that shit up tight or the botulism will just about kill you.
That’s all I got. Please let me know of more methods in the comments. Even crack-pot ideas are welcomed. No, especially crack-pot ideas are welcomed.
Update: Fail Whale
Birds carry all sorts of things, why not put their lazy tailfeathers to help someone for a change? Birds or bats. Bats would work.
Get It Stuffed
You know, send it to this guy.