NEWS: The Nautilus Did NOT Survive 500 Million Years to Be Our Earrings

Yeah, I get it. Everyone wants their own miniature kraken adorning their necks and weighing down their papers. I understand why you want it so badly; the chambered nautilus represents a mathematically perfect spiral of colorful wonder.

The shell is just filled to the brim with maths.

But it’s gotta stop cause we’re going to drive this prehistoric masterpiece to extinction. I’m not exaggerating, you know we [humans owners of beach front properties] could do it.  It’s easy to just keep scraping along the bottom of the ocean when we don’t really know how fast these things are reproducing or how many there may be. Don’t assume they’re cranking out a million babies and dominating the Indo-Pacific area where they live. Just look at the tiny wikipedia article – we don’t know jack shit about these animals.

Why We Should Let the [Chambered] Nautilus Be

Respect – This thing is a living fossil. Its earliest ancestors go back 500 million years. It’s a number so big that it barely has meaning to you. But for perspective’s sake, humans started …being started around 6 million years ago. And while we’re still doing some vicious amount of evolving just to make ends meet, the nautilus has barely changed a damned thing. It’s got its shit sorted out. It does not want to be our earrings.

We Can’t Farm Them & Zoos Can’t Bring Em Back – I mean it’s not for a lack of effort. Aquariums are trying like crazy to breed these animals in captivity but they just can’t make it work. The eggs are tough to get fertilized then if they do hatch, the babies just can’t make it past puberty. You can try to farm them but the shells will be all jacked up because we don’t really know what it takes to make nonjacked up shells. Nautili do.

You Can Harness the Awe-Inspiring Beauty in Other Ways

Those are just my favorites but there are quite a few options out there.

They Are Even Cooler Alive Than Dead – They hang around eerily, and jet propulse themselves from here to there and have independent little tentacles that squirm around while they peer through button eyes.

Ok, I can’t make them cute but they’re at least lovable, beautiful monsters.

Anyhow, in conclusion, people with beach houses, stop buying these shells. How bout you spend the money on deep sea exploration and take a photo? You could give the money to the few Nautilus scientists who I am sure are in dire need of it. Let’s give the scientists a chance to figure them out before we’ve all got to have our Nautilus doorstops.

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