Ugly Terrible Turkey Face

Just In Time for Thanksgiving: Turkey FAQ

Is that Turkey horny?

It’s an age-old question that all of us ponder but only a select few can answer. Of course, I assume you need to know for your single friend who’s a turkey and wants to hook up because, and I cannot stress this enough, you should not be having sex with turkeys. Anyway, look at the turkey in question.

Correct: It's a turkey. Write that down in your copybook.

What color is his face? What is he doing? Is he single? 

A turkey’s face and neck are like a mood ring so you can guess how he’s feeling based on the color. Blue means he’s probably pretty happy or is just looking to have a quiet evening in. Red can mean that he’s either ready to bone or do whatever it takes to do so, including fight to the death. It could even be white and god help you if it is.  But none of  that’s not helpful with the graphic above. Something else your turkey might be doing is strutting. If you’re not sure what that looks like check out a fluffed up male pigeon around a female pigeon. Also, the turkey could even be singing.

And it really doesn’t matter if he’s single cause male turkeys, Toms, tend to get around. Also, male teenage turkeys are called jakes, Jake.

Why are Turkeys so ugly?

Can Turkeys drive?

No. And while it seems like they want to drive postal trucks, station wagons, and school buses – they’re incapable of doing so. I mean, how would they even steer? Their feet would never reach the gas pedal!

I might not have my driver's license but you don't even have thumbs.

Turkeys chase cars because in general they will chase anything. Wild turkeys seem especially irritable and will attack most anything without the slightest provocation (other than raging hormones, of course).

Which ancient Aztec god is most like a Turkey?

Chalchiuhtotolin.

Pictured: A turkey not red with rage.

Isn’t it a little Jacked Up how we think Turkeys enjoy being murdered?

Yes, it is. I can’t think of another holiday where the main course is so prominently printed all over the tableware and greeting cards.  The mascot is often spotted looking scared or slightly wary at the thought of Thanksgiving even though if  they knew what was really coming, they’d be white with vengeful rage.

So, why is it we anthropomorphise turkeys, giving them hats, monocles, feelings and language to make them more human? Do we want to eat ourselves?

Maybe. But more likely, humans are just a very homocentric bunch. For a long time (let’s extend that into nowadays), people believed that a world was built for them alone and everything around was there to serve em. What more could a turkey want than to serve his purpose? God didn’t put it there waste away in some mountain, obviously.

Can’t get enough animals selling their own sweet delicious meat? Check out my rant or some pretty photos at the Flickr page.

  

What is the deal with that Turkey Door in The Nightmare Before Christmas?

"This is Thanks-giv-ing! This is Thanks-giv-ing! Turkeys scream in the dead of night!"

That door has kept me awake many a night since I’ve seen the movie over a decade ago. But to explain why, I need to go into the other doors for a bit.

Eggs, elves, and candy corn. Got it.

The only doors audiences really get familiar with are Halloween and Christmas. We understand what goes on in those towns and are given insight into the puposes of them. The towns “produce” whatever the holiday on the human plane of existence demands of them. In the case of Halloween, Christmas and maybe Easter we learn those things are scares, presents and decorated eggs, respectively.

Let's get these two worlds in their own movie: "The Nightmare Before Unprotected Sex"

I have no beef with the Valentine’s and St Patrick’s trees. I assume in Valentinesville, there are cherubic cupids floating around making cards, heart-shaped arrows tipped with a love-inducing poison, and those nasty message heart candies that no one seems to like.  In St. Patrickstown, they are brewing beer because all that extra beer has to come from SOMEwhere, right? Maybe they’re making Shamrocks, too, since it’s the door’s symbol.

But what else could Thanksgivingtown be but a land of turkey coops and slaughterhouses? It’s obviously populated with the pilgrims and indians who didn’t kill each other or die of various plagues. I assume they even dress the turkeys in mini hats and sing songs about sharing. But come those few precious weeks before Thanksgiving, it’s time to start snapping necks and delivering the birds to families who need something to be thankful about. It’s hard to imagine the town doing much else since we, Americans, take so much pride in producing our own side dishes and centerpieces.
Thank you, artist, for making me feel like I’m asking the right questions.

There’s a reason there was no “Nightmare Before Thanksgiving” – Thanksgiving town was already a nightmare and I suspect would have given Jack Skellington a run for his money.

Maybe Tim Burton and Eli Roth could work something out…?

A town of thumbless pyros, I'm sure.

Side Note: I don’t know what to think of Independence Day Town. Are they making firecrackers and miniature American flags or ugly July 4th cakes? What’s the deal?

Finally, who would win in a fight between a Turkey and a Peacock?

There’s trouble a brewin’ between the keys and the cocks. Males of both species use their magnificient plumage and screams to attract mates and when you mix em all up, the hens get confused. There might even be a few turkey-peacock hybrids out there which I’m going to go ahead and call “turcocks
The fights are inevitable,but who will get the upperhand when it comes to protecting their females’ dignity?
Let’s look at the stats.

As if there were any doubt.

Hope that helps! Happy Thanksgiving, people!

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2 comments on “Just In Time for Thanksgiving: Turkey FAQ

  1. Pingback: On the 5th Day of Xmas, My True Love Sent to Me: HARD-CORE-GOLD-FISH! | Animal News, The Podcast

  2. Pingback: Speaking of Parthenogenesis… | Animal News, The Podcast

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