Welcome to Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!
Let’s pretend that I’m going to go through each of days in that god awful song and give my own Animal News spin on it. I can’t make any promises that I’ll actually finish because I tend to lose interest when the lyrics get into dancing slaves or lepers or whatever. Let’s begin!
I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “partridge” I think of the family from a show I never actually watched or a silhouette of the bird in a silhouetted tree full of silhouetted pears. Because, what other relevance does a patridge really have in my life? It’s basically a lil’ pheasant and if they all died yesterday, no one would be surprised.
Anywho, what these animals might be remembered for is their unique hairstyles which in the grand scheme of bird hairstyles, or featherstyles, is really just mediocre. Behold a list of stylish birds!
Behold their finery!
Let’s start with an actual partridge. But not a typical, unfancy one. While most birds are content with “tufts” or “cowlicks”, the Crested Wood Partridge sports a bad ass, fiery red mohawk which communicates in no uncertain terms that it could give a fuck about the holiday season.
You've never seen this hairstyle on a Christmas card and you never will.
That’s not really a bird you would take home to mom and dad though. The Barred Eagle Owl however presents a slightly more serious front unless you can’t get past the fact that those feathers are NOT EARS.
All of us watch The Muppets and think In what frickin world is Sam the Eagle anything like a real eagle? It's obviously based on this seriouser-than-death Barred Eagle...Owl.
For some reason, when I think of exotic birds, I think of this Crowned Crane strutting around looking mostly like a normal crane with dead sea urchin for a hat. So “crown” just refers to weird feathers on the head? Dumb.
No one has ever worn a crown like this.
The original title of this post was Birds With Afros because "fancy bird styles" usually evokes the image of this afro'ed "Crowned" Crane.
For some reason, I’ve seen a lot of pigeons in asian zoos. No, not raggedy street pigeons, you silly goose. I meant the Victoria Crowned Pigeons which are bright blue and over two feet tall.
This bird's hair reminds me of going to church as a child. I imagine this pigeon would settle for a church with nothing short of its own feathers as decoration.
I don’t know if birds bred to fashion-forward perfection deserve a place here but here’s the Crested Gloster anyway. The bird-happy equivalent of a crazy cat lady used to work in my school and bred these in the school’s attic. He got offended when I laughed in their tiny faces.
- Too cool for canary school, the gloster and its bowlcut are found among avid bird enthusiasts who protect the birds from the savage beatings they’d get in the wild.
Scrolling this far you were wondering where all the birds of paradise were. I have a few to be sure, but let me just say that they are cheating at this game. Within the bird family of Paradisaeidae, there’s all kinds of crazy hair styles. I tried to stick with the best of the best but you’ll notice that most of these birds tread the line between fancy and ridiculous (I think that’s called ‘avant garde’ in the fashion world)
I don't know what the fuck I am looking at. What part of the bird is that?
This Western Parotia is best known for its bouncy, in-your-face dance routine during which it somehow transforms into what I guess looks like a Christmas tree ornament. Listen, animal. Maybe if you looked less like a decorative hair piece you wouldn't be hunted downed and used as such.
All bird hairstyles will bow down before the great King of Saxony!!! (actual name)
So, I hope you liked those birds and this beautiful post because it only goes way downhill from here. ^_^