On the 7th Day of Xmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Seven Sloths a-Swimming

The 7th day of Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

Enough with the birds already! Why would you give one person so many fowl? This song is going to give somebody avian flu. Or at least terrible foot infections.

No, the only way I can get my head around this song is if at least a half-dozen birds are replaced with sloths.

Most of the birds in this song are for eating, but the eating of swan is taboo these days. So imagine getting seven useless swans… for six straight days. They will, given the opportunity, run amok. I can’t say that sloths would be any better for eating, but an equal number of sloths would certainly be less troublesome. Running amok, or running at all, is simply not something of which they are capable.

"You run amok. I'm just going to hang out."

And swans, like just about all birds, defecate often. What’s worse, they don’t seem to care much about where they do it. As many a golf course greens-keeper knows, swans will deuce wherever they please. Do you really want to spend every day cleaning up the leavings of a large bevy of swans? I thought not. Sloths, on the other hand, only relieve themselves once a week. And then they bury it.

"A little privacy, please!"

But mostly, sloths are just wicked cool. And swans are jerks.

"I'd like to see a stupid swan try THIS."

And if you are really caught up on the wording of the song, we can get around that too. See, sloths may only be able to crawl along the ground at a top speed of 2 meters per minute, but they really are decent swimmers. So this year, don’t give geese, give sloths. Or cash, cash is always good.

Happy Holidays!

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2 comments on “On the 7th Day of Xmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Seven Sloths a-Swimming

  1. Pingback: 12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition | Animal News, The Podcast

  2. Pingback: What is Your Sloth Name? | Animal News, The Podcast

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