When we at Animal News started Tabloid Thursday it was regarded as an inevitability that we would get to write about the true giants of animal tabloids: Bigfoot, Nessie, Michael Vick. But we couldn’t have hoped that we would be able to write about la chupacabra so soon! La chupacabra, for those of you who are totally ignorant of Hispanic folk-lore, is a smallish vampire-like creature that kills livestock and drains them of blood. The name chupacabra means “goat sucker.” (This, by the way, would make an excellent insult. Try it out sometime.)
The story of la chupacabra started in Puerto Rico, but has spread throughout the Americas from Chile to the lower 48 States. However, details about the creature vary dramatically from sighting to sighting. By some accounts, la chupacabra is some sort of winged lizard with glowing red eyes. Others say it is an ill dog, coyote, or dog/coyote hybrid. Luckly for us, The Daily Mail has obtained a photo that may hold all of the answers:
As we can clearly see from the photograph, la chupacabra is real. Obviously, it is not reptilian or winged. Careful examination of the photo leads us to believe that la chupacabra is perhaps the most advanced animal on the planet. This particular specimen (seemingly born without a left eye) had the dexterity and wherewithal to paint a replacement eye on its own face! Furthermore, it may have bleached and styled its own “mohawk” hairdo. If it got that bitchin’ tan in a salon, this animal is one of nature’s greatest miracles!
But the story doesn’t end with this ridiculous photo taken on a San Diego beach. La chupacabra reportedly slaughtered 35 sheep on a Mexican farm recently. News outlet CuasarTV released a video with images of the dead sheep and an interview with the owner. Two chupacabra reports in one week?! Is it Christmas? Er… Cinco de Mayo?