It’s been awhile but it’s time for another blogathon. This time courtesy of Syfy Original Movies. I’ve started in on Piranhaconda this Saturday proving that my dedication to this blogcast far supercedes any kind of normal, interesting life a regular jackoff might have on a Saturday night! It’s a 30 minute movie packed into a two hour slot and I’ve got Matt and his mom to get me through it. Let’s begin.
Oh no, a bikini’d babe is running through a rainforest from something, something scary and intriguing. No doubt it’s the pirhanha-anaconda alluded to in the previews. No, it’s some scarecrow thing. They, the creators of this “film” have psyched us out. We’re watching a movie in a movie, guys. Thank god. I was afraid we’d have to watch a movie about a fish-snake terrorizing bad actors. Again, thank god.
Ten minutes in and there it is. I guess it’s “spitting” and or “face ejaculating” on a woman’s gigantic breasts and eating her leg, presumably the rest of her as we cut to the first commercial break.
“Apparently, you turn into red mist when you die” – Matt
After the commercial break, we return to a perhaps a different movie taking place on a college campus with sweaty co-eds discussing photoshoots. They’re flirty, sexy, hot and dying to die. Wait, there’s a picture of a snake, so this scene is relevant again.
Matt: Here’s a question: Who’s going to die more? Men or women?
Me: I dunno, I’ll keep a death count.
We’re at Women: 1, Men:0. I called it too soon. A really surprised and not terrified asian woman just got ate in a scene sandwiched between two, disjointed but lively scenes about sexy photoshoots.
Matt’s mom: Who’s going down next? ROSE or KIMMY?
Me: They have names?
While typing that out, guest star and supposed herpetology academic Michael Madsen shows up to make this movie relevant. He’s here to lay down some science on this Hawaiian island we’re on. Yes, that’s right reader, Madsen is the voice of reason here. He’s finding evidence of the possible existence of a creature that the audience has already seen twice in the last 20 minutes but everyone in the film raises a speculative eyebrow to. You know you’ve got a winner on your hands, Syfy, when Michael Goddamn Madsen is straightening the idiots out.
Women: 5, Men: 0
I didn’t think I was that kind of person but I can’t help but notice that Piranhaconda has a taste for silicone. I mean, the girls going down are all quite top heavy…not that I’ve seen any A cups since the movie’s start. Even in the complex love triangle between blonde, brunette and man, there’s not the usual titty dimorphism between popular girl and girl-next-door or even main characters and everyone else who doesn’t get a name.
Nameless McHooters, in her futile attempts to be a better actress, attracts a deadly double dose of monstrous horror which somehow has no effect on the B-movie in the D-movie we’re already watching.
Women: 6, Men:0
If anything, we’re watching a great tourism campaign for Hawaii. The audience is driven and chased across varied landscapes framing an ever-clear, blue sky. The beauty of Hawaii is awe-inspiring much unlike the performance of a balding mafia lacky, hunter, villian, kidnapper guy.
“Don’t kill them, shoot them in the ass!” he says ass-ishly.
Did this movie need another bad guy? We have at least two piranhacondas, ignorance, and stupidity (“let’s split up!” “good idea!”) working against our beloved heroes. A Colombian warlord seems…superfluous.
Women: 6, Men: 1
“I forgot we were all composed of a giant, red haze.” – Matt
Matt brings up a good point though. Following every attack is a red mist left in the victims place, an image evocative of Lost’s smoke monster.
Women: 6, Men: 2
Before another person can allude to getting naked, two men have been mist-ified by the giant, yellow snake. I’m not sure what elements qualify this thing as half-piranha. The teeth? No, snakes have teeth, it’s no big deal. The color? No, there are yellow snakes everywhere, all the time. Teammurder? Meh I saw one run into another one and it didn’t appear to want to share. AHA! Ah, yes, dear reader. It’s been right in front of us all along. The bloody mist, usually left in the water after a piranha attack, is left in gas form by our toothy snake.
I get it now. Women: 6, Men 3.
Damnit. This plotline moves so fast that I hardly have a second to ponder the more challenging aspects of this story. Just as I grasp who the actresses are, they’re being kidnapped. Just as I grasp why they’re being kidnapped, I wonder why Madsens wearing a colorful beaded cuff bracelet. How could I handle another hour of this madness?
Henchdude: You see? That crazy scientist dude was telling the truth.
I’ve learned that the default setting for Hawaiian henchmen is to Not Believe in Science or specialists in their fields. Dumb. Haven’t they ever seen this movie?
Henchdude: It’s like an unholy union between an anaconda and a piranha.
Henchlady: You mean a piranhaconda?
Bad guy: I can’t believe you just said that.
Hey, me neither. Thankfully, an origin story is unfurling to explain all “this” And what a story it is! How many Syfy monsters can be attributed to “chemicals in the water”? Lots and why not all? For chemicaled water fills a well that can never go dry in the world of hokey D-movies, Syfy. Moving on.
Even with all the cartoon mist snakes about, the kidnappers try to keep track of the cast and crew of that other movie for a ransom. Oh yeah, script girl, let Henchdude chase you into the snake’s nest of gooey, unusually ostrich-egg-like eggs.
Women: 6, Men: 4. It’s a little late in the game, but the score is starting to even out.
Ah, yes script girl, use the egg spooge that inexplicably ended up on your supple bosom to prove the animal’s existence. After all, we’ve only lost 10 folks and had the damn Piranhacondologist trying to remedy your ignorance all through this awful film. But no no. Wait for the egg spooge. That’s fine, I guess.
As our plucky band of hot heroes escape their Colombian captors, the exchange of gunfire is somehow attracting…judging by the angle the guns are pointing, a dragon or a satellite of some kind. Alas no, it’s a piranhaconda…
Women: 7, Men: 4
Matt’s mom: How did it turn into surf music all of a sudden?
Oh my grod. It’s an upbeat surf song about the monster. The existence of this lyrical, carefully metered masterpiece is actually valid given the number of piranhacondas seemingly everywhere now. Hanging out by the pool, sleeping on the road! You can’t take a step in Syfy Hawaii without stepping on one of these things or their nests of dozens and dozens of ostrich eggs.
Our crowd of heroes have been distilled to the very most important characters: Dr. Madsen, man, blonde, and brunette. The director’s a hero but woefully separated from the group. He finds a stranded idiot girl who thinks her boyfriend ditched her for a girl who looks more like a human being.
Matt: Inappropriate Joke – You know how I know the director’s dead? Cause if you’ve got boobs in this movie, you die.
Wow, Matt, that’s a low blow. But even as I hope the girl gets balls deep in yet another piranhaconda’s nest, director eats it first. But she doesn’t get off so easy. A bloody half torso tells the rest of the story.
Women: 9, Men: 5
The 4 attractive people finally seem to distance themselves from the – waitwaitwait. This movie just became The fucking Lost World. Dr. MADsen has been carrying an egg around the whole goddam time for the sake of grants. That dickwad. Anyway, let’s hurry to the BOAT to escape the island of monster FISHsnakes. But thankfully a confrontation with the kidnappers will prevent us from following that insane path of logic.
Women: 9, Men: 9
Wait, blonde is sacrificing herself for the rest. Hooray!
Women: 10, Men: 9, Minivan: 1
Aw. Oh well.
Brunette: Please don’t die!
Man: I’m a stuntman. This is what I do.
I’ve only just learned that “man” is a stuntman. I guess that’s relevant. But is it really, reader? It’s not.
Matt: Oh, we’re gunna have a boat chase! Here we go!
Cut to scene of piranhas swimming. Cut to man finding an ATV in the middle of the forest. Cut to Dr. Madsen and Brunette speedin, medium-style, down the Amazon. Madsen reveals his madness as he cacklingly expresses his contempt for humankind in favor of the snakemonsters. Wait? He’s a bad guy now?
Women: 10, Men: 10, obviously.
In an uninspiring chase scene involving the ATV, Man and Brunette, and a sprawling, open road where they forgot to CGI in the snakefish, movie is threatening to finally come to conclusion.
Catch this you ugly fish, says our man hero as he softballs an explosive into the mama snake’s mouth. There’s premature, celebratory making out and fish growling as we fade to black.
Matt: They won! Except for the one that didn’t get killed by them.
Exactly, Matt. That shit was Abrupt and Anticlimatic as fuck and, even as the credits roll, Matt’s mom remains unconvinced that the movie’s actually ended.
So, with that, we have Piranhaconda, reader. Be sure to watch it or don’t and leave anything I forgot in the comments.
“That loco chica, she was playing kick ball with my cajones.”
“You’re gunna die or else you’re gunna die!”
“You guys are Coocoo for Psychopuffs”
“This is gonna make me one hell of an omelette!” – Dr. Madsen