Animal News is providing you with some guidelines for hunting some snakes, taking money for testifying and of course, drinking testicular beer. All this and more, on ANIMAL NEWS: THE PODCAST, IN SPACCCCCCCCE!
Hello again from the Friday Night Creature Feature control center. I knew that we would be getting to this at some point, but I didn’t know it would be so soon!
Lake Placid is a movie about a young coach who selects a hockey team without tryouts, leads them all the way to the Olympic semifinals in 1980, and the upstart team is eventually eaten by a crocodile.
Now, we have talked about the differences between crocodiles and alligators on the podcast before, but a quick refresher course is in order. The insane creature in this movie is a crocodile, while Gator is a movie with Burt Reynolds.
Well, I know what you are all clamoring for: the Betty White scene.
Yes, tell him to suck your dick, Betty White. You make sure he knows that you are an awesome old lady who tells people to blow you.
And this is why it is not Jaws. Yes, the person responsible for the 30 foot crocodile in Michael Kane Lake, who apparently fed it on “scraps” to it’s current size, is a 50 something old lady who couldn’t be sweeter.
You know what though, I am delighted she is in this movie. Betty White is the only person who seems to be having any fun in the movie. Bill Pullman is a jerk cop, oh, I’m sorry, “game officer”, and Brendan Gleeson is woefully underused as a jerk cop. Bridget Fonda, Paleontologist is given nothing to do, and Oliver Platt, who I love in movies, is just a bundle of eccentricity. It’s just weird that a cast of really good actors were directed to be as bland and unfun as possible.
However, the real star of this movie, as with any good monster movie, is the monster. The crocodile in question is effing huge, and they use it well, to make the scares somewhat effective. Also, it eats a bear.
I can’t sell this movie on anything but it’s flawed silliness. If you enjoy silly movies, which have some okay effects and a bunch of jerk characters, you can really get into it. If you don’t, this feature is going to get brutal for you.
Anyway, Lake Placid gets 3 and a half crocodiles out of six, mainly on the strength of eating a bear. Enjoy your Friday night!
The podcast goes Christmas. We’ll have a breakdown of the episode for you soon! Enjoy!
Oh, yeah, and Happy 365 Days to the End of the Mayan Long Calendar.
Oh, and Christmas. Happy Christmas too!
Welcome to the 3rd installment of
In addition to being delicious, chickens clean up nice when it comes to the fascinating, ever-expanding world of Show Poultry. French chickens in particular, Faverolles, are something to behold in the pageant circuit. Yet, they are by no means the definitive birds of the pageants. So strongly do I feel about this that I refuse to even put up a single picture of a faverolle.
Although it is my dream to have this blog launch my career as a poultry show judge, I’m content (for now) to judge these birds with my co-bloggers.
Kristin : Does the animal win points for being unable to see past its massive eyebrows? If so, plus a million points to the Araucana.
Matt: 15 points for aviator style goggles and helmet.
Jake: E for effort.
Matt: Two thumbs left for fluffiness.
Kristin: This chicken has perhaps witnessed great atrocities based on its hairstyle. 20 pity points.
Jake: I was gunna give it a score but instead give it a hearty handshake.
Matt: I give it a blue ribbon for dogness because it looks like a dog to me.
Kristin: I don’t like this one’s attitude. Minus 10 points.
Jake: 87% Fresh
Kristin: Very alert and stately bird. Short leggged and good natured? A+
Jake: On a scale from 1 to 7, I give it a “good”
Matt: 3 Fans for tail.
Kristin: This animal was bred to show. Look at that alluring stance, the smize, the turn. Best points.
Matt: Two chicken boners. [K: That doesn’t even work, it’s a male chicken…]
Jake: Don’t judge homosexual chickens. 3 1/3 stars.
Kristin: I don’t really understand what the hump on this bird is but am intrigued by the prospect of extra meat. 2 million points.
Matt: One Golden Globe. It looks like a globe.
Jake: It looks like a squirrel from where I’m sitting. I give it a squirrel! Just kidding. Two squirrels!Note: Jake is not wearing his glasses.
Kristin: I don’t need to see other entries. This one wins.
Jake: Full credit.
Matt: 0 points for effort.
Kristin: No, I refuse that answer. We hold a high calibre of judgment here. Do not be the Paula Abdul of this competition.
Matt: Fine, I’d say it’s a 21.
Jake: I give it a Paula Abdul…of this competition.
Winner: Poland. This country turns out a great chicken.
Of course that just the consensus of hungover, half-blind podcasters. Feel free to to make your choice in this poll.
It’s a special day here. For some reason, we get to stuff our faces with turkey and try to make up reasons to watch football with our families.
Happy Thanksgiving, thanks for listening!
This news post has photos of a graphic nature portraying a human being using a horse as a sleeping bag. This post is potentially NSFW, although that depends largely one where you work. If you want all of the story, but none of the wit or and all graphic images blurred, please visit The Daily Mail.
In a podcast earlier this year, we told you all about the death of Washington resident Kenneth Pinyan. If you can’t be bothered to listen, Mr. Pinyan came to internet fame by performing lewd acts on a horse and putting video of it on the internet under the name Mr. Hands. Do not look up these videos. Eventually, Mr. Pinyan suffered perforated colon and died from his injuries.
The State of Washington promptly made it a felony to have sex with an animal or to film somebody else having sex with an animal.
Now their neighbors to the south are upping the horse pervert ante. “I see your ‘man-killed-by-horse-inside-of-him’ and raise you “horse-killed-then-stuffed-with-naked-woman.” This sounds like a game that nobody can win.
A 5’6″, 119lb, 21-year-old blonde woman (whose name has not been released) and her boyfriend euthanized a horse. The horse was old and ailing and was put down with a single shot to the brain. So far, so good. Then they decided that they wanted to eat the horse. So they eviscerated the carcass. Then they got another idea.
They started posing for photos with the body. “Hey! Check out this awesome heart!” Still not too strange right? I mean, that is kinda cool. Horse hearts are pretty, pretty big. I wonder what it’s like to be a horse’s heart. Only one way to find out: get naked and crawl inside. Like so:
Gross! Get out of there!
The criminal investigation is over. The police have decided that there was no crime committed. The horse was put down humanely and after that, what they do with the carcass is really not a legal issue. Oh, and they reportedly did go on to eat some or all of the horse. Not surprisingly, it was delicious.
What is it about the Pacific Northwest that makes people want to put horses inside of themselves and vice versa? We may never know, but I suspect that it is one of those behavior modifying parasites that Kristin is so afraid of.
EDIT: The young lady seen above has been identified as Jasha Lottin. We considered not publishing her name for fear that her reputation would suffer and that she would pay too dearly for a simple (albeit bizarre) lapse in judgement. However, we have decided that she has killed her horse and now she must sleep in it.
But it’s gotta stop cause we’re going to drive this prehistoric masterpiece to extinction. I’m not exaggerating, you know we [
humans owners of beach front properties] could do it. It’s easy to just keep scraping along the bottom of the ocean when we don’t really know how fast these things are reproducing or how many there may be. Don’t assume they’re cranking out a million babies and dominating the Indo-Pacific area where they live. Just look at the tiny wikipedia article – we don’t know jack shit about these animals.
Why We Should Let the [Chambered] Nautilus Be
Respect – This thing is a living fossil. Its earliest ancestors go back 500 million years. It’s a number so big that it barely has meaning to you. But for perspective’s sake, humans started …being started around 6 million years ago. And while we’re still doing some vicious amount of evolving just to make ends meet, the nautilus has barely changed a damned thing. It’s got its shit sorted out. It does not want to be our earrings.
We Can’t Farm Them & Zoos Can’t Bring Em Back – I mean it’s not for a lack of effort. Aquariums are trying like crazy to breed these animals in captivity but they just can’t make it work. The eggs are tough to get fertilized then if they do hatch, the babies just can’t make it past puberty. You can try to farm them but the shells will be all jacked up because we don’t really know what it takes to make nonjacked up shells. Nautili do.
You Can Harness the Awe-Inspiring Beauty in Other Ways
Those are just my favorites but there are quite a few options out there.
They Are Even Cooler Alive Than Dead – They hang around eerily, and jet propulse themselves from here to there and have independent little tentacles that squirm around while they peer through button eyes.
Ok, I can’t make them cute but they’re at least lovable, beautiful monsters.
Anyhow, in conclusion, people with beach houses, stop buying these shells. How bout you spend the money on deep sea exploration and take a photo? You could give the money to the few Nautilus scientists who I am sure are in dire need of it. Let’s give the scientists a chance to figure them out before we’ve all got to have our Nautilus doorstops.
So, you’ve murdered a whale.
Maybe it was taunting you for the last time or you scrambled its brain with your SONAR testing. Maybe you didn’t clip the six pack ringlets and the global warming jacked up its swim routes. It’s possible your pet dolphins talked the poor thing into thinking it was people or something. You poisoned it or had an unsavory hit-and-run incident. More likely, you used black magic on it or something cause it seems like we don’t really know why whales get beached. I don’t know and I’m not here to judge.
Now you’ve got a real problem on your hands. How to get rid of the body.
Thankfully, you’ve got your choice of options depending on the site and the tools and time you have available to get this over with. Don’t think you need to do anything about it? That can’t be right cause you know those things attract diseases and stink to high heavens, right? And if you’re anything like the guys in Australia who recently found themselves with 22 sperm whales on their beach, you can’t afford to have all the nasty crap just accumulating and possibly exploding their stoachs all over the place.
I’ve ordered these in what I think is most practical to least based on, I don’t know, whatever the fuck I think is appropriate. Let’s begin.
Cut up & Sell to Science
This is going to sound weird but I’ve always enjoyed seeing whale skeletons in museums. Of course, I know whales are big but their creepy skeletons hanging majestically overhead give a real sense of scale for these animals and it’s incredibly humbling. But whale parts are for more than just pretty mobiles. By giving the pieces over to cetacean biologists (I prefer the term “whalologists”), we could actually figure out what sent the whales to their demise in the first place along with probably some other kickass whale stuff.
But I can see why it’s kind of an issue since carving whales is incredibly labor intensive and (probably) gross. I also need to mention that the “Sell to Science” part is crucial. You can’t just cut up dead whales if you’re some PhD-less yahoo.
Drag It Out to Sea
If you check out this awesome puppet version of a whale’s natural decomposition in the deep sea, you can see why this idea is a sensible one. Other animals get rid of the evidence by eating it. And it’s not like a few animals or even a few species benefit from a dead whale. There are species wholly dedicated the task; freeloaders and scavengers whose lives might depend on getting this fatty bounty.
The problem with this is the moving seems to be pretty intense too and pricey to boot. And I dunno if you guys saw that episode of The Walking Dead where they tried to pull the zombie out of the well and it fell apart but that seems like a likely outcome as well.
Just imagine that with a whale. Better yet, a zombie whale.
Bury It Away From the Crime Scene
This seems like the most common way to get rid of a whale. Throw it in a landfill or hold a candlelight vigil or just put out of the way of tourists and everyone is happy. This method has also been suggested to get the skeletons clean for scientists to use later on. I mean why let the deep sea nightmares get the meal of a lifetime when we have perfectly good, starving scavengers on land?
Yet, said land scanvengers don’t really know how to do this. Plus the moving part is an expensive process that can take forever and be totally nasty in the meantime. Bacterias involved tend to make carcasses melt if real animals aren’t chowing down on the flesh. So yeah, grossness for the long haul.
Burn Them. Burn Them All.
I’m not sure why this is so low on the list. It’s the fastest and cheapest way to get rid of beached whales and seems to be just as popular as burying the animals. Perhaps I’m not looking at the situation like a criminal. *I* don’t like wasting things and all the methods before this one feel like some way of justifying a sad event. But any real criminal knows that burning gets rid of evidence and, despite having some god awful smell, clears the area with the least amount of drama and back-breaking labor.
There’s no huge downside to this except the smells. Light a Glade candle and deal.
Don’t do this. It will make you sick and there’s no way you’ll finish the job in any reasonable amount of time. Did you see that puppet video? It will take for goddamn ever.
This is barely worse. But if you do this, you have to have a backup plan that involves cleaning up splattered whale bits and avoiding the giant bits raining down on you after your idiot plan, Oregon. But I guess if what you want is just a big “fuck you” to everyone within a half mile of the crime, then you’ve got the perfect solution.
Alternative Mix & Match Methods to Dispose of Carcasses (Patent Pending)
Burn + Eat
Whale meat is meat. Cook it up in some butter and add your favorite sauce for a phenomenal cookout. Make sure to make a whole shindig out of it because you and your party of 1000 will be eating quite a bit tonight.
Bury + Eat
You read the thing with fermenting birds, right? Tie up birds, stuff in seal skin and bury until they taste like cheese. Now, you’d have to find a larger whale to stuff the first whale into and do it in a super cold environment to keep the bad bacteria out. I mean minus that last part, the Australians could pull off some sort of turducken-like dish with fermented whales and feast like kings for weeks. But make sure you wrap that shit up tight or the botulism will just about kill you.
That’s all I got. Please let me know of more methods in the comments. Even crack-pot ideas are welcomed. No, especially crack-pot ideas are welcomed.
Update: Fail Whale
Birds carry all sorts of things, why not put their lazy tailfeathers to help someone for a change? Birds or bats. Bats would work.
Get It Stuffed
You know, send it to this guy.
Provide your own whip sounds, and listen!