Podcast: Super Bowl Predicting Animals, Mink Sonar, and Hangovers, So Please Listen Quietly.

Hey guys, welcome to Animal News: The Hangover-cast.  We’re pretty hung over today, so we’re softly, slowly, holding you closer, tiny dancer.  Enjoy!

Ugly Terrible Turkey Face

Just In Time for Thanksgiving: Turkey FAQ

Is that Turkey horny?

It’s an age-old question that all of us ponder but only a select few can answer. Of course, I assume you need to know for your single friend who’s a turkey and wants to hook up because, and I cannot stress this enough, you should not be having sex with turkeys. Anyway, look at the turkey in question.

Correct: It's a turkey. Write that down in your copybook.

What color is his face? What is he doing? Is he single? 

A turkey’s face and neck are like a mood ring so you can guess how he’s feeling based on the color. Blue means he’s probably pretty happy or is just looking to have a quiet evening in. Red can mean that he’s either ready to bone or do whatever it takes to do so, including fight to the death. It could even be white and god help you if it is.  But none of  that’s not helpful with the graphic above. Something else your turkey might be doing is strutting. If you’re not sure what that looks like check out a fluffed up male pigeon around a female pigeon. Also, the turkey could even be singing.

And it really doesn’t matter if he’s single cause male turkeys, Toms, tend to get around. Also, male teenage turkeys are called jakes, Jake.

Why are Turkeys so ugly?

Can Turkeys drive?

No. And while it seems like they want to drive postal trucks, station wagons, and school buses – they’re incapable of doing so. I mean, how would they even steer? Their feet would never reach the gas pedal!

I might not have my driver's license but you don't even have thumbs.

Turkeys chase cars because in general they will chase anything. Wild turkeys seem especially irritable and will attack most anything without the slightest provocation (other than raging hormones, of course).

Which ancient Aztec god is most like a Turkey?


Pictured: A turkey not red with rage.

Isn’t it a little Jacked Up how we think Turkeys enjoy being murdered?

Yes, it is. I can’t think of another holiday where the main course is so prominently printed all over the tableware and greeting cards.  The mascot is often spotted looking scared or slightly wary at the thought of Thanksgiving even though if  they knew what was really coming, they’d be white with vengeful rage.

So, why is it we anthropomorphise turkeys, giving them hats, monocles, feelings and language to make them more human? Do we want to eat ourselves?

Maybe. But more likely, humans are just a very homocentric bunch. For a long time (let’s extend that into nowadays), people believed that a world was built for them alone and everything around was there to serve em. What more could a turkey want than to serve his purpose? God didn’t put it there waste away in some mountain, obviously.

Can’t get enough animals selling their own sweet delicious meat? Check out my rant or some pretty photos at the Flickr page.


What is the deal with that Turkey Door in The Nightmare Before Christmas?

"This is Thanks-giv-ing! This is Thanks-giv-ing! Turkeys scream in the dead of night!"

That door has kept me awake many a night since I’ve seen the movie over a decade ago. But to explain why, I need to go into the other doors for a bit.

Eggs, elves, and candy corn. Got it.

The only doors audiences really get familiar with are Halloween and Christmas. We understand what goes on in those towns and are given insight into the puposes of them. The towns “produce” whatever the holiday on the human plane of existence demands of them. In the case of Halloween, Christmas and maybe Easter we learn those things are scares, presents and decorated eggs, respectively.

Let's get these two worlds in their own movie: "The Nightmare Before Unprotected Sex"

I have no beef with the Valentine’s and St Patrick’s trees. I assume in Valentinesville, there are cherubic cupids floating around making cards, heart-shaped arrows tipped with a love-inducing poison, and those nasty message heart candies that no one seems to like.  In St. Patrickstown, they are brewing beer because all that extra beer has to come from SOMEwhere, right? Maybe they’re making Shamrocks, too, since it’s the door’s symbol.

But what else could Thanksgivingtown be but a land of turkey coops and slaughterhouses? It’s obviously populated with the pilgrims and indians who didn’t kill each other or die of various plagues. I assume they even dress the turkeys in mini hats and sing songs about sharing. But come those few precious weeks before Thanksgiving, it’s time to start snapping necks and delivering the birds to families who need something to be thankful about. It’s hard to imagine the town doing much else since we, Americans, take so much pride in producing our own side dishes and centerpieces.
Thank you, artist, for making me feel like I’m asking the right questions.

There’s a reason there was no “Nightmare Before Thanksgiving” – Thanksgiving town was already a nightmare and I suspect would have given Jack Skellington a run for his money.

Maybe Tim Burton and Eli Roth could work something out…?

A town of thumbless pyros, I'm sure.

Side Note: I don’t know what to think of Independence Day Town. Are they making firecrackers and miniature American flags or ugly July 4th cakes? What’s the deal?

Finally, who would win in a fight between a Turkey and a Peacock?

There’s trouble a brewin’ between the keys and the cocks. Males of both species use their magnificient plumage and screams to attract mates and when you mix em all up, the hens get confused. There might even be a few turkey-peacock hybrids out there which I’m going to go ahead and call “turcocks
The fights are inevitable,but who will get the upperhand when it comes to protecting their females’ dignity?
Let’s look at the stats.

As if there were any doubt.

Hope that helps! Happy Thanksgiving, people!

Yo “dawg” I heard you like animals so we put..

You love animals and you love halloween. You love both so much that a costume for your pet is crucial and an animal costume for your animal is nothing short of a miracle.

So, I have painstaking pored through the mass of animal costumes for animals to bring you the greatest in pet costumeware. Whether it be for the Halloween pet party this weekend or the pet furry convention next year(omg so meta), get an eyeful of these amazing designs and be inspired!

Most people try to get super crazy abstract with their dog costumes and I ask why. Why are you thinking so hard? Don't over do it. Just dress your dog as another dog.

You didn't think I was just going to find dog costumes did you? Not when parrots can dress up like rabbits. I wonder if there's irony in putting these on a hawk...

Do you remember that story about the snake trying to eat n alligator so big that it BURST through the frickin snakes body? That's why I love this costume.

Start looking for cat costumes and you start finding a lot of pictures of pissed off looking cats. You kind of see the same ones, too. Cat shark strikes me as especially apt for cats given their predatory nature and creepy shark eyes.

Ladybugs and ferrets both stink and look cute but are actually pretty fierce IRL.

 Now it’s time to answer the hard hittingest of questions – Who Wore It Better?

Goes to cat. Only due to awesome props.

I honestly can't make a decision here.

Students say "Cat is cuter"

Banned Books Week: Animals Edition

So, actually Banned Books Week was this past week (sept 24-oct 1) but whatever. I know you’re still excited about banned books, so much so that you’ll use any excuse to read the no doubt idiotic scandals that kept these books out of your school library.

And, because we’re Animal News, here are some books with animals in the titles.

Note: Books may or may not include titular animals as main characters. I’ll just cover my ass and say all books include the most animal animal of all animals: humans.

And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell: No, a Tango isn’t an animal. I discussed this book on the podcast – it’s about a gay penguin couple raising a chick. It’s clearly banned because children will later come across the story about one of the penguin’s infidelity to his male birdspouse AND CHILDREN CANNOT KNOW ABOUT INFIDELITY.

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut: Adding a book like this to the list, I know why  teachers may have wanted it banned. Just imagine all the bullshit papers from students who didn’t reading the book going on about San Lorezan cats worshipping cradles and committing mass suicide or some nonsense. There’s only so many times you can read crap like that before doing something irrational like ban a book.

Rabbit, Run by John Updike: Rabbit, Run is the tale of a boy named Rabbit who is fast and loves carrots. His love of sex, carrots and being fast create friction with his friends from whom he must now escape. In conclusion, the author wants people to realize that despite their adorable appearance, rabbits, in fact, lead difficult lives just like the main character.

Cujo by Stephen King : You know why this book is on the list. Why, despite both being stories about a boy and his dog with rabies, Cujo gets cut and Old Yeller makes it through. If not, just infuse everything you know about Stephen King books into a story about a dog.

The Goats by Brock Cole & , incidentally, Lord of the Flies by William Golding : Not actually about titular animals but about the cruelty of young people. We’ve all seen children turn into animals with nearly no provocation whatsoever, so why are these books banned? Because we don’t want them to get any more crazy ideas, obviously.

I want to note here that, despite being frequently banned or challenged, I had to read Lord of the Flies three times in three different school due to moving three times in three years. AND I TURNED OUT FINE.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee: This story teaches us, through a constant, unsavory barrage of racial epithets that, even though mockingbirds are insufferable birds that will copy cat nearly anything and screech it ad infinitum at some ungodly hour in the morning, we shouldn’t kill them or Tom Robinson. Wait, what.

Other challenged books that I don’t really care enough to elaborate on:

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck: Actually has lots of animals. Also, bad words. You hope the animals start swearing but it unfortunately never comes to that.

Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craigshead George: Little bit of rape.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou: Unbelievable. Birds commit acts of rape, homosexual behavior and racism and WE DON’T BAN THEM.

A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck: Banned to protect children from the realities of mortality and where bacon comes from.

Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume: Heaven forbid a teenager read about another teenager learning how to cope with teenager problems. Teenagers.

I think that was pretty good. I hope everyone learned something about animals and will embark on the journey that is reading mildly depressing or upsetting content that probably would’ve gone over your head as a kid anyway.

I probably missed a few. Please offer more banned books and snarky defenses in the Comments.

Earthquakes, Hurricanes and Animals (Oh My?)

Ya’ll know what time it is.  Time for the last Animal News: The Podcast from home, that’s what time it is.