NEWS: Chances Are, Pets Are Fat and Not ‘Fluffy’

As a surprise to absolutely no one, the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention (APOP) recently found that (along with Americans themselves, it seems) American pets are getting fatter. Somehow, pet owners accept that pets as a whole are getting fatter but can’t really admit it when it comes to their own.

"No, I don't think your cat super glued a fat suit onto itself"

When 22% of dog owners and 15% of cat owners were asked about their pet’s weight, they thought nothing of it when really the animals were obese or overweight. If you don’t believe me, check out this intervention style reality show, Project Pet Slim Down, and the choice moments when the owners find out just how morbidly obese their animals are.

"Hey! It's not like I'm force feeding her the Big Macs"

How could this have happened? Fortunately, APOP and some other sources have lent us some perspective in this matter:

Pig’s Ears are 182 calories an ear

Milkbones range from 10 to 225 calories depending on the size.

An egg, an apple and a slice of bacon  are each around 80 calories.

Pretty meh for people. But for a 10 pound animal whose daily intake should be about 220 calories? It’s a very big deal. But Kristin! A Snausage or Beggin Strip is only 30 calories. Yes, and potato chips are only 11 calories each! How many pets are really just getting one treat a day? (Put your hand down, mom. I know the truth.)

It's as if they were literally raining down from Kitty Heaven.

Damn. This is serious. As funny as those obese doggy and kitty photos are, I really can’t make light of this grave situation.

However, since the study did not cover other pets, I will post other obese pets here presumably to teach everyone a valuable lesson about weight management.


See, it's funny cause I mixed up the two of them.

In Memorium: Harvey Dent, Cat, 2012-2012

Harvey Dent – 2012-2012

We Hardly Knew Ye, Harvey.

This week, we are sad to report that Harvey Dent, cat, is dead.  Harvey was taken from us far too young, and we wish him well on his way.

Harvey was born to his mother, a cat, and showed signs of being a cat most of his life.  When he was born, he had four legs, four eyes, two noses, two mouths and two distinct faces.  His mother, being a fan of comic books, and irony, named him Harvey Dent.

Over Harvey’s short life, he rose through the ranks as, first, an Internal Affairs Lawyer, moving up to the Attorney General of the greater Gotham City area.  Tragically, he was severely burned and lost half of his face, and some say, half his mind.  As a cat, he enjoyed his mothers milk.  He was known also by his less loved nickname, Two Face, tragically applied before he literally had two faces.  Which was always, because he was a cat, that was born with two faces.

Mr. Dent will be missed.  He was known for his two faces, but he was so much more.  He was called an abomination, and, because he was black, was discriminated against as a cat.  He brought good luck to his friends, and bad luck to those whose path he crossed, unless they turned around three times and spat over their shoulder, or were Batman.

Rest in Peace, Harvey.

See, it's funny cause I mixed up the two of them.

Harvey, finally captured by Catwoman, struggles.

Podcast: Super Bowl Predicting Animals, Mink Sonar, and Hangovers, So Please Listen Quietly.

Hey guys, welcome to Animal News: The Hangover-cast.  We’re pretty hung over today, so we’re softly, slowly, holding you closer, tiny dancer.  Enjoy!

What is a mammal? Bonus points edition.

Let’s go back to the last science class to answer today’s question. Not last last science class. Not physics or chemistry for non-science majors or forensic whatevertheelective, let’s go back to around 5th grade animal science.

What is a mammal?

A mammal is warm-blooded.

A mammal mommy produces milk for its young.

A mammal bears live young (except in Australia….of course)

That’s fine, I guess. But it’s not good enough for me, children. I am the student who demands bonus points, the finest in Lisa Frank stickers and additional pluses after my A. Let’s step up our mammal game.

For bonus points:

A mammal has true hair. Before you start imagining animals wearing wigs or merkins, think about what are considered ‘hairy’ non-mammals. Spiders and that yeti crab come to mind for me.

Children, are you ready for a new brushably soft animal companion? It's Kiwa! The Yeti Crab.

These hairs are actually “setae” which are connected to the nervous system of the animals used to sense the world around them. So remember that next time you want to really torture a spider (I’m not here to judge why), just give it a haircut.

A mammal has a four chambered heart. Fish get by with two and amphibians three. Reptiles have three or three and half chambers. And birds think they’re as good as us with four chambers. But we mammals have  sweat glands and more middle ear bones so we still win.

Stupid, panting bird. Can't even sweat.

A mammal has baby teeth and big boy teeth. Also known as milk teeth or deciduous teeth and permanent teeth, respectively.  On the last podcast, I pondered what the deal with sets of teeth was all about. We guessed correctly that other animals (polyphyodonts) just burn through multiple sets of teeth. Unlike sharks that can go through 30,000 in a lifetime, we mammals (diphyodonts) get a special hardy set of two to do all the chewing we’re so famous for.

No, it's not some little gif on loop. This is actually a 5 hour gif of a cow doing what cows do best - Nothing of interest.

Of course, there are exceptions. Elephants get up to 6 replacements. They come and go in regular intervals up until that last set, after those are worn out the elephant kind of just starves to death. Tough break. Manatees are the other exception. They get the same marching molars system to compensate a hardy diet of veggies mixed with sand.   The reptiles scoff at our puny set of molars but at least we have all kinds of tooth shapes.

A mammal is a heterodont. We have all kinds of teeth in a mouth: molars, canines, incisors, buck (although I have see buck toothed fish *shudder*) The shapes vary depending on the mammal and what a variety it is!

Like a boss.

Pretty. Pretty cool. I don’t know about you but I feel more informed about mammals.There are probably some even more advanced level mammal distinctions but I just wanted to get to the teeth.

On the 8th Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Eight Milk Jokes Milking

It’s another edition of

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

Hey wait, this is the bearded one again.  Matt.  Yeah, that is the ticket.

We talk a lot on the podcast about milk, specifically whale milk, and so I figured we could go light on the animals, and really explore another kind of animal.  The human animal.

I figured that during this holiday season, you could use some milk based humor to really get through these hard times.  Maids, bleh, let’s do some milk jokes!

First up, we have one of the greatest shows of recent history, Mr. Show, featuring Jack Black, in The Joke: The Musical.  The content here is a little racy, so don’t show this off to kids.

If you haven’t watched it to the end.  You should, you insane person.

Next up, a random sampling of what you, internet denizens, think is funny!  You freaks!

That's not funny.

No, it’s not, me in the captions!

Wow, that is impressively not funny.

That one seems kind of sexist.

Yeah, maybe you guys aren’t that good at this.  How about pictures of things being milked?

What can't be expressed in a tasteful stippled portrait?

I’ve never seen it look so classy, like it is writing for The New York Times.

Hey, that's not a cow!

True, that guy/girl/person is actually milking a goat.

That's weird, but cute, I guess.

Yeah, I mean, it’s not like doing an innocent search for something on google will give you any horribly strange and brutal results right? I mean, let’s just go over there and search for milking.

Seriously, don't search for it. It'll just end up with everybody crying.

Welp, that’s it.  Internet is over.  Oh, and by the way, I hope you retain that image forever for maids a milking.  Because now I will.  And that is the worst thing that anyone has ever done to me.  I hate you, caption me.

Red Gree. Jellyfish

12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition

We here at ANTP will take any excuse to post about animals we like or want to eat or dislike or whatever and Kristin likes Christmas.

Here’s what we got so far:

1.Instead of partridges, we got Fancy Bird Hairstyles

2. Instead of 2 Turtle Doves, we got Two Footless Doves

3. Instead of 3 French Hens, we got Nonsense Hens

4. Instead of 4 calling birds, we got Bird Dopplegangers

5. Instead of 5 golden rings, we got Hardcore Goldfish

6. Instead of 6 Geese, we got Six Monsters Laying

7. Instead of 7 Swans, we got Seven Sloths a Swimming

8. Instead of 8 Maids, we got Eight Milk Jokes Milking

9. Instead of 9 Dancers, we got Nine Glowing Nightmares

10. Instead of 10 Lords, we got Lords of the Animals

11. Instead of 11 Pipers, we got 11 Vipers Viping

12. Instead of 12 Drummers, we got 12 Puppet Parents

Goldfish Ring

On the 5th Day of Xmas, My True Love Sent to Me: HARD-CORE-GOLD-FISH!

Welcome Back to

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas!

Why anyone would pierce a fish is beyond me. Actually, I suppose it isn’t since I understand the basics of fishing. And…

I’m using the word “hardcore” in the title but by no means advocate piercing animals. There is absolutely no point except to very deliberately agitate the animal. Sure, they might get used to it but why even do it in the first place? Let’s find out, I guess.

Cow Septum Rings = Reasonable

“The nose ring assists the handler to control a dangerous animal with minimal risk of injury or disruption by exerting stress on one of the most sensitive parts of the animal, the nose. Bulls, especially, are powerful and sometimes unpredictable animals which, if uncontrolled, can kill or severely injure a human handler.” -Wikipedia

Septum rings

Maybe the most normal of the animal piercings. I bet they sneeze when it gets put in, I know I did!

Pig Septum Rings = Fairly Reasonable

Pigs dig or “root” with their snouts, and such digging may be undesirable in some circumstances. Nose rings make digging uncomfortable for the animal, although a rung pig is still able to forage freely through leaf litter and surface vegetation.” -Wikipedia

Left to their own devices, pigs would just dig up all the evidence you worked so hard to bury in the backyard.

Kittens with Pierced Ears = Profitable Bullshit

‘Dr Merck said metal rings through the kittens’ ears affected their hearing while studs at the back of their necks and the bases of their tails produced a permanent feeling of submission.

“It would make them feel as if they were constantly being bitten (by their mothers),” she added.’ -MSN

Kitty Ring

Don't you think cats are crazy enough, kitten piercing lady?

Goldfish Lip Ring = Complete Bullshit

” I was bored, and the fish was at the shop. It all started out as a joke, but it looked cool and it never affected him adversely. So I just left it in.” -bizarremag

97% of all irony is completely lost on fish.

I can barely justify my own piercings so I’m still having trouble understanding what the pet piercings are all about. But if you’re going to do something for the sake of being hardcore, just be a tattooed fish.

Just like with eating beached whales, living inside horses and having sex with turkeys,

Don’t do this.

It’s a hassle, it interferes with the fish’s protective slime coating and is insulting to nature.

 I’m taking a break from all this, this song is starting to wear me out.

Podcast: Dogs… In… Space…, Pet Costumes, And Halloween (Oh Yeah, and Mark Wahlberg)

Happy Halloween, Manimals!


Yo “dawg” I heard you like animals so we put..

You love animals and you love halloween. You love both so much that a costume for your pet is crucial and an animal costume for your animal is nothing short of a miracle.

So, I have painstaking pored through the mass of animal costumes for animals to bring you the greatest in pet costumeware. Whether it be for the Halloween pet party this weekend or the pet furry convention next year(omg so meta), get an eyeful of these amazing designs and be inspired!

Most people try to get super crazy abstract with their dog costumes and I ask why. Why are you thinking so hard? Don't over do it. Just dress your dog as another dog.

You didn't think I was just going to find dog costumes did you? Not when parrots can dress up like rabbits. I wonder if there's irony in putting these on a hawk...

Do you remember that story about the snake trying to eat n alligator so big that it BURST through the frickin snakes body? That's why I love this costume.

Start looking for cat costumes and you start finding a lot of pictures of pissed off looking cats. You kind of see the same ones, too. Cat shark strikes me as especially apt for cats given their predatory nature and creepy shark eyes.

Ladybugs and ferrets both stink and look cute but are actually pretty fierce IRL.

 Now it’s time to answer the hard hittingest of questions – Who Wore It Better?

Goes to cat. Only due to awesome props.

I honestly can't make a decision here.

Students say "Cat is cuter"

Learning How Others Talk: An Animal Story Review

Today, at my job, I’m doing storytime.  Storytime involves some of the most soulcrushingly boring stories, broken up over 8 weeks of time.  It’s pretty brutal.  This two months, the story is about animals, so I’ve decided to reproduce it, in full, so that I can fully complain about it.

Learning How Others Talk, Part 1:

One day, Grandma went out to see her friends.  A stranger walked into the house.  The dog barked, “Help! A stranger is in the house! Woof, Woof.” The cat meowed, “Help! He’s going into the bedroom. Meow, meow.”  The goldfish said, “Oh! He’s taking the vase. Blub, blub.”  They couldn’t understand each other.

Okay.  Let’s just get this out of the way. I think it is irresponsible for an old woman, who apparently lives alone, to be taking care of all of these pets.  I appreciate that two of them don’t need to be taken care of as much, but seriously, the dog alone would be hard for this apparently frail woman to take care of properly.  She could be a spry old woman, but from her pictures, she is pushing 250 years old.   Also, there is no evidence of this stranger coming in from anything other than a basic understanding that this old git didn’t lock her doors.

Secondly, I know it is difficult to believe this, but dogs, cats and goldfish don’t just use their respective sounds as punctuation.  They don’t have fully formed thoughts in English and then convert them to barking by going woof woof.  Also, fish (at least pirhanas) are now know to make a diversity of sounds.  Blub blub, is the sound of escaping air, which, as far as I can tell, is not what any fish would be able to produce. 

Learning How Others Talk, part 2:

They said, “Let’s learn how to talk to each other.”  They started to learn.  The dog said, “Fish, I’m stronger than you. Blub, blub.”  The goldfish meowed, “Cat, I can swim faster than you. Meow, meow.”  The cat barked, “What a suprise! You two are great! Woof, woof.”

Look, I get it.  This story is about learning how to communicate and learning how to understand each other.  This, however, is not how this works.  If they, collectively, are able to communicate to each other that they are 1. unable to talk to each other, and 2. that they should learn how to talk to each other, what the fuck more do they need to learn.

These animals have just experienced what should have been a somewhat traumatic event.  They have just had their home invaded, but all concern for safety and their batty owner not locking the doors or whatever has been completely disregarded so that they can compare attributes?  That doesn’t make any goddamn sense.

And, the attributes that they compare aren’t even that good.  Sure, the dog is probably stronger than the goldfish.  It’s also bigger by a factor of 800% at least.  Relatively, however, if you stuck it’s head underwater, the fucking goldfish would murder it.  The goldfish may be a faster swimmer than the cat underwater, but take away the water, and you have a snack for the cat, prepared and ready.

And now, apparently, all you have to do to speak someone else’s language is to finish everything wtih a particular phrase.  So, apparently, my nonsense Spanish is finally validated. Yo voy a shoestoreo is now a valid sentence, because the ending sounds Spanish?  And I actually looked up how to conjugate the verb for that sentence-o, so maybe this one is better to demonstrate what I am talking about-o.

Learning How Others Talk, part 3:

Many days later, the dog meowed, “What do you want to do this afternoon? Meow, meow.”  The cat said, “I want to swim. Blub, blub.”  The goldfish barked, “I want to sing. Woof, woof.”  They were very happy to talk to each other.

“Many days later?”  What?  How does that make any sense?  There was a thief in the first part of this story.  These animals picked up each others langugae within minutes of the thief leaving, and they haven’t been using this apparent superpower for anything other than asking what they’re going to do after teatime?  These animals could go to a zoo and talk to a fucking whale.  They could get centuries old animals to talk about what they have seen that has changed their life, and they use it for the lowest imaginable purpose. It’s infuriating.

I’m super psyched that they were happy to talk to each other, but weren’t any of them worried that Grandma hasn’t appeared in several days.   How do these animals eat?  The dog might be able to deal, and the cat could eat the goldfish, but Grandma is either there, and they don’t give a fuck about her, or she isn’t there, and she is currently being murdered in her “friends” basement.

Learning How Others Talk, part 4:

One afternoon, Grandma was looking for her vase.  The dog barked, “Grandma, a stranger took your vase.”  The cat meowed, “Grandma, he took the vase.”  The goldfish said, “Grandma, he took the vase.”  But she didn’t understand them.  They said, “Grandma has to learn how we talk.”

Oh, hey, drama.  Where the have you been for the last two parts? Oh, you’re just popping by?  I understand, I wouldn’t want to be in this story either.

Look, another indeterminite time later, our Grandmother has appeared again.   She has finally realized, after days and days, that someone invaded her private space and took her stuff.  However, the animals know who did it, they have the ability to speak to each other now, and they try to do the exact same thing that they did with each other, with nary a blah blah after everything that they say.   Also, the goldfish is so unoriginal that he merely repeats what the cat said.

Also, this is actually the end to the story.  The resolution is just a moment of brutal storytelling.  The animals have the ability to communicate to everyone but the one person who could do something.  However, they are left on this cliff of unknowing, waiting to try to talk to Grandma.  And even if Grandma finally learns that they can talk, the instant that she talks to another person, the independence that she has cultivated will be taken away, because she believes that animals can talk to her.  She will live the rest of her days in an institution, haunted by dreams of animals talking in English to her, making her insane.  Her gift will be her curse, and she will be so withdrawn from society as to be dead to it.

This is what I teach to children.  I just don’t get to add my own parts to the story.  Hope you enjoyed it.