Red Gree. Jellyfish

12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition

We here at ANTP will take any excuse to post about animals we like or want to eat or dislike or whatever and Kristin likes Christmas.

Here’s what we got so far:

1.Instead of partridges, we got Fancy Bird Hairstyles

2. Instead of 2 Turtle Doves, we got Two Footless Doves

3. Instead of 3 French Hens, we got Nonsense Hens

4. Instead of 4 calling birds, we got Bird Dopplegangers

5. Instead of 5 golden rings, we got Hardcore Goldfish

6. Instead of 6 Geese, we got Six Monsters Laying

7. Instead of 7 Swans, we got Seven Sloths a Swimming

8. Instead of 8 Maids, we got Eight Milk Jokes Milking

9. Instead of 9 Dancers, we got Nine Glowing Nightmares

10. Instead of 10 Lords, we got Lords of the Animals

11. Instead of 11 Pipers, we got 11 Vipers Viping

12. Instead of 12 Drummers, we got 12 Puppet Parents


On the 3rd Day of Xmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Nonsense Hens

Welcome to the 3rd installment of

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

In addition to being delicious, chickens clean up nice when it comes to the fascinating, ever-expanding world of Show Poultry. French chickens in particular, Faverolles, are something to behold in the pageant circuit. Yet,  they are by no means the definitive birds of the pageants. So strongly do I feel about this that I refuse to even put up a single picture of a faverolle.

Although it is my dream to have this blog launch my career as a poultry show judge, I’m content (for now) to judge these birds with my co-bloggers.


Kristin : Does the animal win points for being unable to see past its massive eyebrows? If so, plus a million points to the Araucana.

Matt: 15 points for aviator style goggles and helmet.

Jake: E for effort.

 Belgian D’Uccle

Matt: Two thumbs left for fluffiness.

Kristin: This chicken has perhaps witnessed great atrocities based on its hairstyle. 20 pity points.

Jake: I was gunna give it a score but instead give it a hearty handshake.


Matt: I give it a blue ribbon for dogness because it looks like a dog to me.

Kristin: I don’t like this one’s attitude. Minus 10 points.

Jake: 87% Fresh


Kristin: Very alert and stately bird. Short leggged and good natured? A+

Jake: On a scale from 1 to 7, I give it a “good”

Matt: 3 Fans for tail.

Modern Game

Kristin: This animal was bred to show. Look at that alluring stance, the smize, the turn. Best points.

Matt: Two chicken boners. [K: That doesn’t even work, it’s a male chicken…]

Jake: Don’t judge homosexual chickens. 3 1/3 stars.

Pekin Bantam

Kristin: I don’t really understand what the hump on this bird is but am intrigued by the prospect of extra meat. 2 million points.

Matt: One Golden Globe. It looks like a globe.

Jake: It looks like a squirrel from where I’m sitting. I give it a squirrel! Just kidding. Two squirrels!

Note: Jake is not wearing his glasses.


Kristin: I don’t need to see other entries. This one wins.

Matt: 10/10

Jake: Full credit.


Matt: 0 points for effort.

Kristin: No, I refuse that answer. We hold a high calibre of judgment here. Do not be the Paula Abdul of this competition.

Matt: Fine, I’d say it’s a 21.

Jake: I give it a Paula Abdul…of this competition.

Fluffiest bird ever SO Soft

Winner: Poland. This country turns out a great chicken.

Of course that just the consensus of hungover, half-blind podcasters. Feel free to to make your choice in this poll.

Jeju, Cockspert, and Dog Hairstyles

This week! The podcast is back in the USS…. ROK? We took another podcast field trip down to Jeju-do, an island off the south of South Korea.  We actually saw a brace of animals down there, including our new favorite example of convergent evolution, the Hummingbird Hawk Moth.  Listen or burn!


Anti-Plug: Animals Selling Themselves

No, I’m not talking about monkey prostitution like you’re thinking.

Recently, Matt did some interviewing at The Maryland Zoo and reminded me of something I really hate when it comes to zoos. Prices. Well, namely pricier items like stuffed animals, posters, and….food. THEN I thought of what truly annoyed me to the core. When places do things like this:

This has got to stop.

I realize that part of what makes me uncomfortable is the disconnect I and believe most Americans have between us and our food. I don’t care how delicious or perfectly cooked  a hamburger  is, no one wants to think of cute lil Bessie turning into one. So, images like this tend to make anyone uncomfortable.

My French is a little rusty but I think the idea here is that this sausage is an orgasm in your mouth.

And for the most part, this kind of thing doesn’t really show up anymore in places that aren’t Asia anyway.


Were they not plastered in their cheesegraves, those coconut-fried shrimp would be spinning.

What kind of jacked up nightmare is this? Just because animals can and often do eat members of their own species doesn’t mean the anthropomorphic versions should take so much pleasure in selling out their own kind. Do we really think animals would be so excited about serving up their friends for dinner?

Or even their enemies?

I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’ll stick to purchasing my animal soul-enriched products from normal restaurant representatives like children and clowns.