On the 8th Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Eight Milk Jokes Milking


It’s another edition of

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

Hey wait, this is the bearded one again.  Matt.  Yeah, that is the ticket.

We talk a lot on the podcast about milk, specifically whale milk, and so I figured we could go light on the animals, and really explore another kind of animal.  The human animal.

I figured that during this holiday season, you could use some milk based humor to really get through these hard times.  Maids, bleh, let’s do some milk jokes!

First up, we have one of the greatest shows of recent history, Mr. Show, featuring Jack Black, in The Joke: The Musical.  The content here is a little racy, so don’t show this off to kids.

If you haven’t watched it to the end.  You should, you insane person.

Next up, a random sampling of what you, internet denizens, think is funny!  You freaks!

That's not funny.

No, it’s not, me in the captions!

Wow, that is impressively not funny.

That one seems kind of sexist.

Yeah, maybe you guys aren’t that good at this.  How about pictures of things being milked?

What can't be expressed in a tasteful stippled portrait?

I’ve never seen it look so classy, like it is writing for The New York Times.

Hey, that's not a cow!

True, that guy/girl/person is actually milking a goat.

That's weird, but cute, I guess.

Yeah, I mean, it’s not like doing an innocent search for something on google will give you any horribly strange and brutal results right? I mean, let’s just go over there and search for milking.

Seriously, don't search for it. It'll just end up with everybody crying.

Welp, that’s it.  Internet is over.  Oh, and by the way, I hope you retain that image forever for maids a milking.  Because now I will.  And that is the worst thing that anyone has ever done to me.  I hate you, caption me.

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Red Gree. Jellyfish

12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition


We here at ANTP will take any excuse to post about animals we like or want to eat or dislike or whatever and Kristin likes Christmas.

Here’s what we got so far:

1.Instead of partridges, we got Fancy Bird Hairstyles

2. Instead of 2 Turtle Doves, we got Two Footless Doves

3. Instead of 3 French Hens, we got Nonsense Hens

4. Instead of 4 calling birds, we got Bird Dopplegangers

5. Instead of 5 golden rings, we got Hardcore Goldfish

6. Instead of 6 Geese, we got Six Monsters Laying

7. Instead of 7 Swans, we got Seven Sloths a Swimming

8. Instead of 8 Maids, we got Eight Milk Jokes Milking

9. Instead of 9 Dancers, we got Nine Glowing Nightmares

10. Instead of 10 Lords, we got Lords of the Animals

11. Instead of 11 Pipers, we got 11 Vipers Viping

12. Instead of 12 Drummers, we got 12 Puppet Parents

Anti-Plug: Animals Selling Themselves


No, I’m not talking about monkey prostitution like you’re thinking.

Recently, Matt did some interviewing at The Maryland Zoo and reminded me of something I really hate when it comes to zoos. Prices. Well, namely pricier items like stuffed animals, posters, and….food. THEN I thought of what truly annoyed me to the core. When places do things like this:

This has got to stop.

I realize that part of what makes me uncomfortable is the disconnect I and believe most Americans have between us and our food. I don’t care how delicious or perfectly cooked  a hamburger  is, no one wants to think of cute lil Bessie turning into one. So, images like this tend to make anyone uncomfortable.

My French is a little rusty but I think the idea here is that this sausage is an orgasm in your mouth.

And for the most part, this kind of thing doesn’t really show up anymore in places that aren’t Asia anyway.

  

Were they not plastered in their cheesegraves, those coconut-fried shrimp would be spinning.

What kind of jacked up nightmare is this? Just because animals can and often do eat members of their own species doesn’t mean the anthropomorphic versions should take so much pleasure in selling out their own kind. Do we really think animals would be so excited about serving up their friends for dinner?

Or even their enemies?

I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’ll stick to purchasing my animal soul-enriched products from normal restaurant representatives like children and clowns.