Tuesday Video Lunch: Calling All Turkeys (and Perverts)


After Kristin posted that video about turkeys last week, I got hungry. Hungry for some Video Lunch!

Turkey is on the menu again this week. But since we haven’t got a turkey to eat, we need to call one in. While we are at it, we’d like to call in some internet perverts to read our blog. (As we have noted on several occasions, perverts make up the bulk of our search engine traffic.) Luckily, there a San Diego news team has made a helpful “how to” video for attracting male turkeys and internet perverts at the same time:

Tuesday Video Lungh: How? Convenient…


On your way home and feeling hungry? Why not stop at a vending machine and buy some Video Lunch?

Of course, not just any vending machine will do. After all, you had candy bars and soda pop for lunch yesterday, and you are watching your figure (expand.) If only there were a vending machine that sold healthy food items, like fresh seafood. Oh, wait. There totally is a vending machine that sells fresh seafood. Anybody hungry for crabs?

So the Chinese can now get their hairy crabs (grow up) in the subway. You have to admit, these machines “save many troubles.”

Of course, the Japanese are famous for their vending machines. You’ve probably heard that one can purchase umbrellas, eggs or even used underpants from vending machines in Japan. But when I heard that China had live crab vending machines, I thought that they had even outdone the Japanese. I was wrong.

As it turns out, selling live animals in vending machines is old news in Japan. There machines sell live rhinoceros beetles. They apparently make good pets and even better mini-gladiators. (Before you freak out about that, it seems that they don’t actually get hurt when they wrestle.)

They also have claw games. Lobster claw games. Not games with lobster claws, but claw games with live lobsters as the prizes. But there is something that you should know before you write a blog post about how crazy Asia is (I’m looking at you, mirror.) Lobster claw games can be found across the United States, from Maine to Vegas.

Tabloid Thursday: Planking is Dangerous


As usual, the bulk of so-called “news outlets” have missed the most interesting part of an amazing story. Science Magazine, Practical Fishkeeping and the BBC are all reporting that a new study has found that some species of zooplankton actually leap out of the water to avoid predators. The tiny copepods can jump as much as 60 times their own body length. They are only a tenth of an inch long, but still.

This is all fairly amazing. Until recently, it was generally thought that zooplankton mostly just floated around, incapable of real evasive action in the event that predators attacked. Now we see that some of these microscopic animals have a fairly advanced and successful escape mechanism.

It also helps to explain the high survival rate of these specific copepods. These particular copepods do not migrate to darker waters during daylight hours, so they should be easy targets for predators. However, their ability to jump out of the way of danger has allowed them to stay close to the surface without acting as an all-fish-can-eat buffet.

But why do none of these stories mention the terrifying part of this story? They have left out a bit that you can only find from Weekly World News and Tabloid Thursday!

Perhaps it is just to prevent mass hysteria that the story is being suppressed, but we can’t live with the thought that others might be saved, if only they knew the truth about the flying plankton. The “fact” of the matter is that they are not leaping just to escape predators; they are out for blood! The copepods have developed a taste for human blood and are now leaping onto unsuspecting fishermen and sucking them dry. Of course, given their minuscule size, it must take hundreds if not thousands of them to drink all of a fisherman’s blood. However, Weekly World News is “reporting” that “There have been 27 fishermen that have died from the flying plankton over the last few weeks.”

Don’t believe everything you read though. For the first time ever, we have some cause to doubt Weekly World News. They acknowledge that the copepods are 0.1 inch long and can jump 60 times their body length, but they also say that the copepods can “jump ten feet of the water.” Even if we are generous and assume that they mean “ten feet out of the water,” the math seems a bit squiffy. 0.1 in. x 60 = 10 ft? Sounds about right, never mind. Or do they mean that they can jump 10 feet vertically and travel laterally for 60 times their body length? That makes sense too.

EDIT:

Weekly World News is also reporting that a couple of bottle-nosed dolphins have taught themselves to fly, using their fins as wings. Not just leap out of the water, actually fly. But since they quote a “NASA expert” as saying that dolphins learning to fly is ” not completely surprising,” we decided that it really isn’t news-worthy.

Friday Night Creature Features: Lake Placid


Well, does it?

Remind Anyone of Anything?

Hello again from the Friday Night Creature Feature control center.  I knew that we would be getting to this at some point, but I didn’t know it would be so soon!

Lake Placid is a movie about a young coach who selects a hockey team without tryouts, leads them all the way to the Olympic semifinals in 1980, and the upstart team is eventually eaten by a crocodile.

Now, we have talked about the differences between crocodiles and alligators on the podcast before, but a quick refresher course is in order.  The insane creature in this movie is a crocodile, while Gator is a movie with Burt Reynolds.

Well, I know what you are all clamoring for: the Betty White scene.

Yes, tell him to suck your dick, Betty White.  You make sure he knows that you are an awesome old lady who tells people to blow you.

And this is why it is not Jaws.  Yes, the person responsible for the 30 foot crocodile in Michael Kane Lake, who apparently fed it on “scraps” to it’s current size, is a 50 something old lady who couldn’t be sweeter.

We should name all our lakes after him. Even the misspelled ones.

You know what though, I am delighted she is in this movie.  Betty White is the only person who seems to be having any fun in the movie.  Bill Pullman is a jerk cop, oh, I’m sorry, “game officer”, and Brendan Gleeson is woefully underused as a jerk cop.  Bridget Fonda, Paleontologist is given nothing to do, and Oliver Platt, who I love in movies, is just a bundle of eccentricity.  It’s just weird that a cast of really good actors were directed to be as bland and unfun as possible.

However, the real star of this movie, as with any good monster movie, is the monster.  The crocodile in question is effing huge, and they use it well, to make the scares somewhat effective.  Also, it eats a bear.

I can’t sell this movie on anything but it’s flawed silliness. If you enjoy silly movies, which have some okay effects and a bunch of jerk characters, you can really get into it.  If you don’t, this feature is going to get brutal for you.

Anyway, Lake Placid gets 3 and a half crocodiles out of six, mainly on the strength of eating a bear.  Enjoy your Friday night!

Matt

Tuesday Video Lunch: Hot Springs Eternal


As part of a comprehensive plan to provide more consistent and higher quality content, we at Animal News: The Podcast Blog bring you our newest regular feature: Tuesday Video Lunch. Every Tuesday, we will present an interesting and educational video which may or may not be related to our discussions on the Podcast or the headlines of the day. So, without further ado:

It seems that the discovery of new marine life at hot vents is quite the trend recently. On the last episode of the prodcast we told you about the newly discovered hot vents in the Antarctic. What we didn’t tell you is that just before the beginning of the new year, Reuters reported that British scientists had just returned from were exploring hot vents in the Indian Ocean. Seems they found some pretty sweet new critters there too.

And since today is the first Video Lunch, we have decided to make it a double. The biggest discovery at the hot vents in the Indian Ocean were sea cucumbers, so it might be worthwhile to study them inside and out. In this clip, the narrator tells us all about the sea cucumber’s “intimate friend.” There is no word yet on whether the hot vent sea cucumbers have “butt-buddies” of their own.

Pacific Northwest & Horses v. Human Dignity (Graphic Content)


This news post has photos of a graphic nature portraying a human being using a horse as a sleeping bag. This post is potentially NSFW, although that depends largely one where you work. If you want all of the story, but none of the wit or and all graphic images blurred, please visit The Daily Mail.

In a podcast earlier this year, we told you all about the death of Washington resident Kenneth Pinyan. If you can’t be bothered to listen, Mr. Pinyan came to internet fame by performing lewd acts on a horse and putting video of it on the internet under the name Mr. Hands. Do not look up these videos. Eventually, Mr. Pinyan suffered perforated colon and died from his injuries.

The State of Washington promptly made it a felony to have sex with an animal or to film somebody else having sex with an animal.

Now their neighbors to the south are upping the horse pervert ante. “I see your ‘man-killed-by-horse-inside-of-him’ and raise you “horse-killed-then-stuffed-with-naked-woman.” This sounds like a game that nobody can win.

A 5’6″, 119lb, 21-year-old blonde woman (whose name has not been released) and her boyfriend euthanized a horse. The horse was old and ailing and was put down with a single shot to the brain. So far, so good. Then they decided that they wanted to eat the horse. So they eviscerated the carcass. Then they got another idea.

They started posing for photos with the body. “Hey! Check out this awesome heart!” Still not too strange right? I mean, that is kinda cool. Horse hearts are pretty, pretty big. I wonder what it’s like to be a horse’s heart. Only one way to find out: get naked and crawl inside. Like so:

Gross! Get out of there!

The criminal investigation is over. The police have decided that there was no crime committed. The horse was put down humanely and after that, what they do with the carcass is really not a legal issue. Oh, and they reportedly did go on to eat some or all of the horse. Not surprisingly, it was delicious.

What is it about the Pacific Northwest that makes people want to put horses inside of themselves and vice versa? We may never know, but I suspect that it is one of those behavior modifying parasites that Kristin is so afraid of.

EDIT: The young lady seen above has been identified as Jasha Lottin. We considered not publishing her name for fear that her reputation would suffer and that she would pay too dearly for a simple (albeit bizarre) lapse in judgement. However, we have decided that she has killed her horse and now she must sleep in it.

The Blast Heard ‘Round the World


As we mentioned on the last installment of the codpast, before the “viral videos” were all the rage, there was The Exploding Whale. Watch it often, especially at parties:

Anti-Plug: Slutty Horses Known as ‘Struts’


In the last podcast, I anti plugged slutty toy horses. I mistakenly linked the horses I had in mind, Struts, with Bratz.

Please forgive me listeners. The Bratz line has its own line of strangely flirtacious fashion horses called Ponyz.

Eyeshadow, body glitter, shoes, and coiffed eyebrows sell toy horses. Everyone knows this.

The Struts are actually produced by the My Little Pony people which means they don’t really have the excuse of an older line of, um, suggestively dressed teen dolls. No, they had to justify Struts (Sluts + Strumpets? Oh wait it’s cause horses strut. Wait, really?) as filling a demand young girls everywhere have for horses and fashion.

I know my background in marketing might have some influence here but my solution to What is Horse + Fashion never equals this:

...

Most of the horse “accessories” or horsessories don’t bother me too much – I pray that their owners know that trying to put pearls, skirts, anklets and earrings on horses is a death wish- the shoes, however, are killing me.

Long time listeners know how much I hate dog shoes but at least those serve the discernible purpose of keeping paws clean. The heels these horses are sporting, which my mom would identify as “hooker heels,” are kind of the worst thing you could do to torture a horse.

Thankfully, I feel like these abominations have been exposed for the strange, unwholesomeness that they are and My Little Pony decided to move on to the now beloved, precocious, cherubic Friendship is Magic Ponies.

The only accessory that ever made sense was a damn saddle. WHY WOULD YOU PUT HEELS ON A HORSE.

 And no one ever heard from those flirty, smizing ponies in miniskirts ever again.

The End.

Elecution


If you liked our podcast about executing elephants, you’ll love the original 1903 film by Thomas Edison entitled Electrocuting an Elephant, wherein Topsy the elephant is electrocuted. Keep in mind that electrocution had been used as a method of execution for humans since 1890, so this particular electrocution was not as insane as it may seem in hindsight. Also worth noting is the fact that the word “electrocution” is actually a portmanteau of the words “electric” and “execution.” The word originally only signified execution by electricity, not accidental death or injury by electricity.

And now, our feature presentation:

Is the tag "Buzz-worthy" a pun too far? Tell us in the comments.

Internets Update! Animal Sex Man Honey!


Howdy everybody!

It’s been 30 days since our last (first) internets update, so let’s do another one.  This is once again a summation of all the search terms that people have come to this site from.

owl gif 12
gross parasites 4
animals do before earthquake 4
animal news podcasts 4
animal news podcastr 3
pictures of animals reacting on disaster 3
animal news the podcast 3
wwwdogbites owner before an earhtquake 2
beastly humans 2
wake up animal 2
animal news podcast 2
demonic owl gif 2
badass owls meme 2
demon owls 1
hookworm kimchi 1
why are owls hipster 1
bee puns 1
matt butler podcast 1
hipster salmon 1
smiling falcon 1
bee puns hipster owls 1
cat and owl gif 1
animal podcast, matt butler 1
fly zapper animated gif 1
why do animals freak out before earthquake 1
complete sequencing of genomes of four important representative species in inner mongolia, china 1
animals earthquake 1
hookworm parasite 1
hawkward owl 1
owls gif 1
hipster owl 1
do animals freak out before disaster? 1
animal sex man honey 1
winnie the pooh owl meme 1
hookworm 1
toxoplasmosis and pig 1
what did maryland animals do before the earthquake 1
hawkward 1
animal story of the week aug 29 1
highlarious animal news 1
do animals really freak out about earth quacks 1
animal fuck 1

So, what have we learned?

Owl gifs are apparently very important to our audience.  Hawkward (owl) got two, owl gifs got 12, demonic owl gif got 2.  Impressive.  Also, Winnie the Pooh owl meme was a scattershot one, but I’m glad you found us, person who was looking for the rule 34 of that one.

Natural disasters, of which I can now add torrential rain to, because it is super floody around here right now, have been pretty impressively well represented.  I think the main reasons for this are obvious.  1. We use words like freaked out to describe animals, instead of agitated.  Animals do before earthquake was one of my favorites.  Also, I do not know if “animals really freak out about earth quacks” but I’ll be damned if we don’t intend to find out.

Parasites. Gross, gross, disgusting parasites. Yeah, the people searching for that stuff are more hardcore than I am. I’m gonna go throw up.

And, I’m back. We have the general looking for podcasts about animals ones.  We have now been described for the first time as highlarious, so that’s awesome. Matt Butler Podcast has made the list again, which I think underestimates the importance of Kristin Ingram Podcast and Jake Crabbs Podcast.  You guys better google the fuck out of those terms.

And then we have the weird ones. “Animal Fuck.” Sure. “Animal Sex Man Honey.” No thank you, that sounds like it involves sex with bees, but please tell me more. “Hipster Salmon,” which should be on the codpast, but hasn’t been yet. “wwwdogbites owner before an earhtquake” which might be my favorite search of this one.

Until next month, Animal Sex Man Honey!

Matt

Update:  Last time, I mentioned that searching for ‘disturbing and gross animal podcast’ would probably be a jackpot for us.  I just checked. We’re number one (and two).