Lisa Frank Wasn’t On Drugs, She Just Saw This Crab


Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Somehow all these bursts of wild colors, top hats, monocles, rainbows, and sparkles made sense to me as a kid. Now, even as a kind of artsy-type adult, I cannot understand how Lisa Frank products came to be. How does one imagine such colorful animals/backgrounds/foregrounds? I don’t think I could dream something like what she comes up with and I’ve had Benadryl Dreams.

If you take Benadryl and watch Alien, you're gunna have a bad time.

Well, now we know from where she must draw her inspiration. It’s the real world crab recently discovered doing crab stuff in the Philippines. It’s even adorably sticker-sized (one to two inches wide)

Compare

...and Contrast.

Now, I’m just a bad person. Accusing that poor woman of taking drugs and being insane when she just went to the Philippines and brought the vibrant, tropical-colored world to my trapper keepers. I could learn a lot from her.

I'm just jealous cause this isn't my life.

What’s that? You want more psychodelically colored animals? LET’S DO THIS.

   

    

  

That’s right. It’s man. The most colorful of them all.

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Tabloid Thursday: Big Money, No Whammy!


There has been a lot of buzz about the “Mega Millions” lottery recently. Not all of it good. It is well known that government run lotteries are a big source of revenue, but studies have shown time and again that the lottery is played by the poor and under-educated people in society. In fact, lots of news sources from around the country are running stories about how the lottery is basically a “poor and uneducated” tax. But of course, somebody wins. In Michigan, two recent lottery winners continued to receive food-stamps after. But what takes the cake is that the Mega Millions has been won by one of society’s poorest and least educated, a dog. It must be Tabloid Thursday!

According to Weekly World News, a golden retriever/poodle mix named Princess walked into a convenience store with the winning ticket tucked into her collar. The winnings represent a staggering $218 millon (before taxes and flea bath.) There is no indication as to who her owner is, so “As far as we know, this is the dog’s winnings.” What will happen if the dog remains unclaimed is not clear.

Friday Night Creature Feature: The Thing


Now we're talking.

Welcome back to the creature feature!  Today, we have John Carpenter’s The Thing.

I couldn’t resist doing one more Husky dog movie.  This one is a little less surrounding the mush culture, and a little more surrounding the existential terror that accompanies an incredible horror that an alien species could represent.

I love this movie.  It has all the classic elements of a great horror movie, and it has Kurt Russell at his most Kurt Russell.  His MacReady is constantly awesome, and is usually doing the right thing, even when he is just making shit up.  If you haven’t seen The Thing, just watch the opening scene here, and see if you can resist much longer.

So a dog flees over the Antarctic tundra, hunted by a helicopter.  It is coming up on a US research station.  It seems like everything is normal, although, why would humans be hunting something that isn’t indigenous to Antarctica.  What are they doing?  Why are they chasing the dog?

So begins one of the greatest horror movies of all time.  The Thing is a masterpiece.  I mean that, for real.  The Thing is one of the few movies that I have watched over and over again that still scares me.  The alien is awesome, the threat is awesome, and the ending is so good, it hurts.

The best part about the titular thing is that it’s motives are completely obscured.  We watch the entire story through the eyes of the humans trying to comprehend what is being done to them.  But the thing seems to be comprehending of some parts of what is going on, and it seems to be acting with some sort of plan.

I don’t want to spoil anything for you with this one.  I will say, if you are somewhat queasy to the sight of blood, and horror movies freak you out, this one is exceptionally bloody, but in my opinion a lot easier to watch because of it.  It takes on tragicomic moments and makes them even more heightened.  Also, there is one scene involving a bunch of dogs, which animal lovers may find disturbing, but is so awesome you have to see it.

Anyway, thank you The Thing, thank you for making me forget about Snow Dogs.

Matt

P.S.  If you have seen The Thing before, you could do much worse than reading this story.  It is called The Things, and it is amazingly cool.

Friday Night Creature Feature: Iron Will


It's about Dogsled Racing

Alaska, land of oh-my-it-looks-really-cold-out-there.

It’s time for your weekly Creature Feature, this time not having to do with a murderous animal.  Just a dangerous one.  The most dangerous one.  Playing the most dangerous game.  Dogsled racing.

Iron Will was made in 1994, and as I remember it, it was a pretty good movie.  What I believe the producers were going for on this one was a stirring tale of hope and redemption, and a competition between men and eventually the elements, which was probably backed by people who sell Huskies, because the movie really makes you want to buy a Huskie.

Come on!

I mean, come on!

One, those dogs are genetically programmed to be cute wolves.  They’re huge, many of them blue eyed, monsters that look like the softest furriest friend that you could have in your life.  It’s almost like it isn’t fair to other dogs.

The movie’s premise is somewhat crazy.  This is the half remembered version that I would tell you if I were trying to convince you to watch it.  This kid Will’s dad gets killed in a snow dog accident.  He slips through a frozen river and dies.  Will, his family depending on him for money, and wanting money to go to school, decides to take up his father’s mantle, get his dogs in order, train with some crazy person, and win a race.  He knows that it will be hard, but he trains hard.  As the race goes on, one of the reporters latches onto his story, and since the reporter is Kevin Spacey, we know that Will’s story is going to go far and wide.  He eventually has to run the last day over a shortcut, on top of a river, just like where his dad died.  It’s pretty good.

Iron Will is a weirdly placed movie for me.  I think I saw it at a little too young, but the themes of death and life, the fame that Will gets and the scenes with Kevin Spacey are still pretty good.  Thinking about it again, I was more concerned for the dogs in the movie than for the people.  However, the cast is pretty excellent overall, and the lead actor does a fine job selling it.

Mainly though, I remember the guy who trains Will.  I remember his advice on how to win the race, with sleeping less and less and driving more and more.  I remember the train that keeps the press going with the race.  I remember seeing how cold it was, and I believe I saw it in a early screening in Michigan, and going outside to new snow.

I think that nostolgia has really taken some of this movie for me, and empowered it.  So maybe it isn’t as good as I remember, but I won’t find out until I watch it again.   Perhaps you and I can watch it together, for our Friday Night Creature Feature.  You’d like that, wouldn’t you.

I’ll give Iron Will 9 out of 12 Huskies.

Matt

NEWS: Chances Are, Pets Are Fat and Not ‘Fluffy’


As a surprise to absolutely no one, the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention (APOP) recently found that (along with Americans themselves, it seems) American pets are getting fatter. Somehow, pet owners accept that pets as a whole are getting fatter but can’t really admit it when it comes to their own.

"No, I don't think your cat super glued a fat suit onto itself"

When 22% of dog owners and 15% of cat owners were asked about their pet’s weight, they thought nothing of it when really the animals were obese or overweight. If you don’t believe me, check out this intervention style reality show, Project Pet Slim Down, and the choice moments when the owners find out just how morbidly obese their animals are.

"Hey! It's not like I'm force feeding her the Big Macs"

How could this have happened? Fortunately, APOP and some other sources have lent us some perspective in this matter:

Pig’s Ears are 182 calories an ear

Milkbones range from 10 to 225 calories depending on the size.

An egg, an apple and a slice of bacon  are each around 80 calories.

Pretty meh for people. But for a 10 pound animal whose daily intake should be about 220 calories? It’s a very big deal. But Kristin! A Snausage or Beggin Strip is only 30 calories. Yes, and potato chips are only 11 calories each! How many pets are really just getting one treat a day? (Put your hand down, mom. I know the truth.)

It's as if they were literally raining down from Kitty Heaven.

Damn. This is serious. As funny as those obese doggy and kitty photos are, I really can’t make light of this grave situation.

However, since the study did not cover other pets, I will post other obese pets here presumably to teach everyone a valuable lesson about weight management.

         

Podcast: Super Bowl Predicting Animals, Mink Sonar, and Hangovers, So Please Listen Quietly.


Hey guys, welcome to Animal News: The Hangover-cast.  We’re pretty hung over today, so we’re softly, slowly, holding you closer, tiny dancer.  Enjoy!

Can you teach a dog to be racist? and other Internet Concerns


Really, internet?

So, K and I decided that tonight, we would go searching through the abyss that is you internet, to find posts of questionable validity and obviously zero research.  We found a goldmine, at Yahoo Answers.  Sometimes, the questions were good.

Well, as long as you have a reason.

Good call not stopping after "I had a dream last night."

or rape? I don't think that means what you think it means.

Sometimes, there were questions with answers.

I think we all learned something about you, pervert.

A beautiful, majestic creature finally gets railed like it should.

Yes, that child's beloved pet has been hyperburned by you.

And sometimes, we just found good answers.

Thank you for your concern.

Hey! Thanks for backing up your argument so well!

I've heard of that wasp. That wasp hunts that man to this day.

We quite enjoyed doing this.  If you find any, or want us to find some more next week, please, let us know in the comments.

Podcast: The Bee-ttlefield, Graboids and Jaws and Cujo, and Zombie Preparedness


Animal News: The Podcast is the reason for the season.  And that season is a season filled with Animal Horror Movies, bees turning the tides of battle, and Zombies.

You know, Halloween Season.

Open Season.

Matt

Podcast: Dogs… In… Space…, Pet Costumes, And Halloween (Oh Yeah, and Mark Wahlberg)


Happy Halloween, Manimals!

Matt

Yo “dawg” I heard you like animals so we put..


You love animals and you love halloween. You love both so much that a costume for your pet is crucial and an animal costume for your animal is nothing short of a miracle.

So, I have painstaking pored through the mass of animal costumes for animals to bring you the greatest in pet costumeware. Whether it be for the Halloween pet party this weekend or the pet furry convention next year(omg so meta), get an eyeful of these amazing designs and be inspired!

Most people try to get super crazy abstract with their dog costumes and I ask why. Why are you thinking so hard? Don't over do it. Just dress your dog as another dog.

You didn't think I was just going to find dog costumes did you? Not when parrots can dress up like rabbits. I wonder if there's irony in putting these on a hawk...

Do you remember that story about the snake trying to eat n alligator so big that it BURST through the frickin snakes body? That's why I love this costume.

Start looking for cat costumes and you start finding a lot of pictures of pissed off looking cats. You kind of see the same ones, too. Cat shark strikes me as especially apt for cats given their predatory nature and creepy shark eyes.

Ladybugs and ferrets both stink and look cute but are actually pretty fierce IRL.

 Now it’s time to answer the hard hittingest of questions – Who Wore It Better?

Goes to cat. Only due to awesome props.

I honestly can't make a decision here.

Students say "Cat is cuter"