True Facts About The Seahorse


Like me, you probably need more reasons to judge animals on features and skills over which they have no control. Especially the seahorse.

We’ve spent so much time on the lowly pandas and squirrels, that we’ve hardly touched on this hopelessly inefficient swimmer what with its “Denny’s menu” of  dorsal fin. Where we, ANTP, has failed, Ze Frank provides you with a thoughtful video with scoop on nature’s most romantic predator.

Check out some True Facts About The Sloth, Baby Echidna and  Angler Fish. Thanks to io9 for keeping me hip to the latest in snarky animal videos.

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Red Gree. Jellyfish

12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition


We here at ANTP will take any excuse to post about animals we like or want to eat or dislike or whatever and Kristin likes Christmas.

Here’s what we got so far:

1.Instead of partridges, we got Fancy Bird Hairstyles

2. Instead of 2 Turtle Doves, we got Two Footless Doves

3. Instead of 3 French Hens, we got Nonsense Hens

4. Instead of 4 calling birds, we got Bird Dopplegangers

5. Instead of 5 golden rings, we got Hardcore Goldfish

6. Instead of 6 Geese, we got Six Monsters Laying

7. Instead of 7 Swans, we got Seven Sloths a Swimming

8. Instead of 8 Maids, we got Eight Milk Jokes Milking

9. Instead of 9 Dancers, we got Nine Glowing Nightmares

10. Instead of 10 Lords, we got Lords of the Animals

11. Instead of 11 Pipers, we got 11 Vipers Viping

12. Instead of 12 Drummers, we got 12 Puppet Parents

This kind.

On The 6th Day of Xmas My True Love Gave To Me: Six Monsters Laying


It’s another edition of

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

Hey, wait a goddamn second.  I’m not Kristin.  I’m not the only attractive member of the podcast other than Jake.  I’m just some other guy.

Oh hey, I’m Matt!

I agree with Kristin.  This song has too many birds.  So, for “Geese a laying.”  I thought to myself, man, Geese are so 1800’s.  We have airplanes and trains and refrigeration.  If I am going to give a gift to somebody, it better be better than geese.  So, I just searched for eggs on google, and I want to show you what I found.  Come along with me.

Well, aren't those cute.

Look at those little bitty eggs.

Aww… those eggs are so cute.  I bet they would be delicious too.  All you would have to do is get them away from their mom, put them in a pan, fry them up… mmm… good eats.

I wonder what kind of animal those are from. Could I handle six of them for the rest of the days of Christmas?  Probably, I mean, look at how small they are.

This kind.

This kind.

Oh, you might be thinking to yourself.  That doesn’t look so bad.  It’s kind of cute with it’s bill and mammalian features.

You’d be right, if it were anything but a platypus.  What that cute picture doesn’t show, and could never show, is that it’s cute little beak is actually a highly tuned electrical sensor that can track things in the water, in front of it.  It has cute little fins with cute little claws, what could it really do to you though?

Oh, I may have forgotten to mention, it has two poisonous barbs in it’s hind legs, that contain a neurotoxin.  Yes, the platypus is one of the few venomous mammals in the world.  It also is the only one of those to lay eggs.  So, maybe a herd of 56 platypus and their breeding partners would be a little out of your depth.  Your true love would never wish that upon you.

How about this then?

How about this then?

Aww… Why did that man put an animal egg in his belly button, you say?  Good question.  anyway, that thing looks reasonable, right?  Probably good eating too.  Let’s see what mommy looks like.

What is it? What is it? Kill it!

Oh good, another monster.  What the hell is that thing? Oh, it’s just another product of the Australian nightmare factory.  Yes, it’s an Echidna.  The Echidna, together with the Platypus make up a group called the monotremes.  These animals are egg layers all.  They also curl up into bundles of nightmare spikes.

You know what?  We should probably look somewhere else.

This can't be bad, right?

I mean, look how small they are!

Oh.

Oh good.  Yeah, I don’t want 56 of these.  I’m pretty sure you’d have 200 by the end of day one.  Then things are going to get rough.

How about one of these?

Pretty cute, right?  I mean for a lizard.  Hold on, I’m sensing a pattern.  Maybe it isn’t as cute when it grows up.

AHHHH, DRAGON!

No, I refuse on principle.

Hmm...

What is the catch? I know there is a catch.

NO!

No. No. No. No. No.

Oh, a sea creature, this couldn't be terrifying.

Right? I mean come on.  There is no way this is scary, right?

:Distant sounds of the vomit of terror:

Oh no. Please. No more.  Just one you say?  Well, maybe this will be the twist! Maybe after all of these terrifying things, the last one will be cute and cuddly.

Hmm...

Okay, I may be on board.  It looks like an egg.  Actually the creature is kind of cute. And while a non traditional egg shape, perhaps that is just what we need to change up the song.

No.

Okay fine.  The song is perfect.  There is no way a goose could be terrifying right?

WRONG.