Python Challenge 2013: Snake Jihad, Snakepocalypse Vid


Of the 400 people who have signed up for the challenge that start tomorrow, this is the guy I know will not succumb to unpreparedness.

I predict this guy will murderhouse at least 5,000 snakes by the end of this weekend. Most of them likely to be Burmese pythons.

How many weapons does one man need? All of them.


Tuesday Video Lunch: Calling All Turkeys (and Perverts)

After Kristin posted that video about turkeys last week, I got hungry. Hungry for some Video Lunch!

Turkey is on the menu again this week. But since we haven’t got a turkey to eat, we need to call one in. While we are at it, we’d like to call in some internet perverts to read our blog. (As we have noted on several occasions, perverts make up the bulk of our search engine traffic.) Luckily, there a San Diego news team has made a helpful “how to” video for attracting male turkeys and internet perverts at the same time:

Whacking Month in the Everglades, Python Challenge 2013

Here’s what I know about this so far:

  • It takes place in the Everglades where the nonnative Burmese Python is wrecking the ecosystem and proliferating faster than the rabbits I want to compare them to.
  • There will be two main prizes: $1000 for biggest snake and $1500 for most Burmese Pythons caught.
  • No, you cannot just cut up and sew together several snakes together to win $1000. You’d know that if you’d read the instruction manual.
  • Hundreds of people ranging from professional hunters to complete amateurs are bringing all types of weapons to this month-long extravaganza. All ages welcome!

I get the feeling that this will not go well for someone. Not for the obvious reasons like the 17 footer found months ago or the kids, pets, and large animals the snakes have taken out. No, no. The real fear didn’t hit me ’til I read through the manual which seemed both comprehensive and patronizing all at once. Behold.

Python manual

If you see a python being consumed by another swamp monster, let it go.

So, I’m already wading through the fucking murky Everglades swamp and in the back of my mind thinking about the alligators that were in no addressed in the training AND I’m looking for pythons. Big, angry grand daddy ones. I have so much trouble keeping my footing in the shower that I’m already done with this challenge, but let’s just see what the rest of the amateurs will have to deal with.

There wasn't enough to worry about.

There wasn’t enough to worry about.

There are a plethora of non native species roaming about mixed in with native snakes that are poisonous and non poisonous and I really hope the 15 seconds you guys used scrolling through the images on the PDF helps you sort em all out (especially the endangered ones). They are all brownish and look like snakes. Write that down.

Put your hand in its mouth to fish out possible other pythons.

Put your hand in its mouth to fish out possible other pythons.

I had an issue with the handling methods in the photo until I realized that the snake is probably already dead. Just so you know though, kneading is not the proper way to dispatch a python – try a gun, a machete, or a captive bolt. Just be sure to, you know, be super careful with that while you’re faffing around the Everglades with your kids.

All that to say…I will be obsessed with this story for the next month, starting January 12th. Stay tuned!

Tuesday Video Lunch: Porcupine

Asians have a reputation among Westerners for their exotic tastes. Everybody knows about shark fin soup and dog meat, but that is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. Alert readers have informed us that porcupine is on the menu in much of Asia. The meat of these rodents is so prized that native populations have been greatly diminished. Demand in Vietnam is so high, that the Pennsylvania Game Commission has recently established bag limits for porcupine hunting in an effort to prevent a black market from developing.

Of course, Asians are not the only people who eat rodents. In South America, the guinea pigs are a common dinner choice.

But porcupines aren’t as soft and cuddly as guinea pigs. And that means they are less easy to kill and eat. If I lion can’t eat a porcupine, then people shouldn’t either. So instead of having porcupine for dinner, let’s have it for Video Lunch!