PODCAST: Happy New Year (Western not Lunar), Alligator Robbery, and the Uprising of the Lizards


What day is it? Why it is New Years Day, Sir! Then it is not too late! IT’S NOT TOO LATE!  Why am I doing a Scrooge about a new podcast?  Because I should have put this up yesterday, but I was too busy getting my drink on.

In this podcast, we discuss lots of stuff, drink a couple of beers, and even talk about why we didn’t have lots of podcasts this year!  It’s like a Christmas-y miracle, but more boring and less miraculous!

I’m just sitting here, waiting for this thing to stop processing so I can post this, and trying to think up clever things to say.  It’s not working.  Does anybody know a song?  Just whatever you can belt out.  Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that my heart will go onnnnnnnnnnnn!

Enjoy!

PODCAST: Flea Circus Genocide, Momterruption, and We’re Back (vaguely)


Your favorite podcast is back, with more swearing, more genocide and more tapping upon the abdomen of your mate to find the reproductive organs to dunk your webbed ball of sperm inside. You’ll get it when you hear the cast.

Also, if anyone has heard from Brendan Johnston, it seems that he may have died in the middle of this comment. “You guys havent stopped the podcast have”. If you have any news, please write us at thisisnotarealemailaddress.forrealitsnot@notreal.com. Thanks.

Podcast: Closer to the Rhino, Closer to the Skin, and Closer to Chimp Porn


We’re getting our ribs crushed by Rhinos, making pubic lice extinct, watching porn with chimps, python challenge update, and of course, an anti-plug, don’t do it.

This is so late, because Matt is a boner.

Podcast: Ball Brew, Python Challenge and The Circus … of Bribes


Animal News is providing you with some guidelines for hunting some snakes, taking money for testifying and of course, drinking testicular beer. All this and more, on ANIMAL NEWS: THE PODCAST, IN SPACCCCCCCCE!

Hyenas, Spider Balls, and Dinorexyia


 

Hey! It’s that time again, here comes Animal News: The Podcast.  Special thanks to Julie and Peter for sitting in! Jake is on Assignment in Korea, and we miss him dearly.  COME HOME JAKE! 

Tuesday Video Lungh: How? Convenient…


On your way home and feeling hungry? Why not stop at a vending machine and buy some Video Lunch?

Of course, not just any vending machine will do. After all, you had candy bars and soda pop for lunch yesterday, and you are watching your figure (expand.) If only there were a vending machine that sold healthy food items, like fresh seafood. Oh, wait. There totally is a vending machine that sells fresh seafood. Anybody hungry for crabs?

So the Chinese can now get their hairy crabs (grow up) in the subway. You have to admit, these machines “save many troubles.”

Of course, the Japanese are famous for their vending machines. You’ve probably heard that one can purchase umbrellas, eggs or even used underpants from vending machines in Japan. But when I heard that China had live crab vending machines, I thought that they had even outdone the Japanese. I was wrong.

As it turns out, selling live animals in vending machines is old news in Japan. There machines sell live rhinoceros beetles. They apparently make good pets and even better mini-gladiators. (Before you freak out about that, it seems that they don’t actually get hurt when they wrestle.)

They also have claw games. Lobster claw games. Not games with lobster claws, but claw games with live lobsters as the prizes. But there is something that you should know before you write a blog post about how crazy Asia is (I’m looking at you, mirror.) Lobster claw games can be found across the United States, from Maine to Vegas.

Tuesday Video Lunch: The Hangover


If a group of friends get blackout drunk and wake up with a tiger in their hotel room, it is a blockbuster movie. If a group of friends get blackout drunk and wake up with a penguin in their apartment, it is Video Lunch.

Recently three friends got hammered and broke into SeaWorld after dark. They then went swimming with the dolphins and absconded with a 7 year-old fairy penguin named Dirk.

In the light of day, keeping the penguin didn’t seem like a great idea. Lacking a better plan, they released Dirk into a canal. The particular canal, however, is known to be frequented by sharks and dolphins and Dirk was chased out of the water… and into the path of a dog. Luckily, he was saved from the canine and restored to his home SeaWorld and his mating partner Peaches.

The three revelers have been charged with criminal trespassing, theft and illegal possession of a protected animal.

Tuesday Video Lunch: If I could spend time in a bottle…


Harry the hermit crab has a brand new house at LegoLand Windsor Resort. In England, this qualifies as news. Here at Animal News the Podcast Blog, it qualifies as Video Lunch!

Personally, I prefer when hermit crabs take up residence in beer bottles. Glass is way more environmentally friendly than plastic and somewhat less gaudy than children’s building blocks. Take, for example this lovely bottle neck “shell” found in Finland:

When he grows up, he can move into a larger model:

So stick to glass bottles for your beer. If not to avoid the poisons from plastic bottles, then do it for the hermit crabs. (And the other animals that are adversely affected by all of the pollution caused by plastics.)

Tuesday Video Lunch: WHAT?!


For all the times we’ve mentioned it on the Podcast, it is amazing that we hadn’t posted the following video earlier. So often our conversation has drifted to the topic of a couple dozen Japanese giant hornets killing 30,000 honey bees in a single attack. It is this sort of insane destruction that makes the Japanese giant hornet the stuff of nightmares. They are terrifying monsters and that is why they are so awesome and so appropriate for this week’s Video Lunch.

But something we never mentioned was that the native Japanese honey bees have a bizarre defensive mechanism that helps them fight off the hornets. If the bees can capture an advance scout hornet, they will engulf it and vibrate to raise their body temperatures, killing the hornet by overheating it. A recent study has shown increased activity in a specific section of the bees’ brains when they are engaged in their defensive ball, perhaps acting as a timer so the bees know when to turn down the heat.

I particularly enjoy the Gone With The Wind style shots of the dead and dying bees writhing on the ground.

Tabloid Thursday: Planking is Dangerous


As usual, the bulk of so-called “news outlets” have missed the most interesting part of an amazing story. Science Magazine, Practical Fishkeeping and the BBC are all reporting that a new study has found that some species of zooplankton actually leap out of the water to avoid predators. The tiny copepods can jump as much as 60 times their own body length. They are only a tenth of an inch long, but still.

This is all fairly amazing. Until recently, it was generally thought that zooplankton mostly just floated around, incapable of real evasive action in the event that predators attacked. Now we see that some of these microscopic animals have a fairly advanced and successful escape mechanism.

It also helps to explain the high survival rate of these specific copepods. These particular copepods do not migrate to darker waters during daylight hours, so they should be easy targets for predators. However, their ability to jump out of the way of danger has allowed them to stay close to the surface without acting as an all-fish-can-eat buffet.

But why do none of these stories mention the terrifying part of this story? They have left out a bit that you can only find from Weekly World News and Tabloid Thursday!

Perhaps it is just to prevent mass hysteria that the story is being suppressed, but we can’t live with the thought that others might be saved, if only they knew the truth about the flying plankton. The “fact” of the matter is that they are not leaping just to escape predators; they are out for blood! The copepods have developed a taste for human blood and are now leaping onto unsuspecting fishermen and sucking them dry. Of course, given their minuscule size, it must take hundreds if not thousands of them to drink all of a fisherman’s blood. However, Weekly World News is “reporting” that “There have been 27 fishermen that have died from the flying plankton over the last few weeks.”

Don’t believe everything you read though. For the first time ever, we have some cause to doubt Weekly World News. They acknowledge that the copepods are 0.1 inch long and can jump 60 times their body length, but they also say that the copepods can “jump ten feet of the water.” Even if we are generous and assume that they mean “ten feet out of the water,” the math seems a bit squiffy. 0.1 in. x 60 = 10 ft? Sounds about right, never mind. Or do they mean that they can jump 10 feet vertically and travel laterally for 60 times their body length? That makes sense too.

EDIT:

Weekly World News is also reporting that a couple of bottle-nosed dolphins have taught themselves to fly, using their fins as wings. Not just leap out of the water, actually fly. But since they quote a “NASA expert” as saying that dolphins learning to fly is ” not completely surprising,” we decided that it really isn’t news-worthy.