On the 9th Day of Xmas, My True Love Gave to Me, 9 Glowing Nightmares (Also, news)

Today I was listening to the NYT Science Times podcast and generally letting the boring stuff serve as white noise when the host assaulted me with an astounding fact:

“90% of Sea Animals are bioluminescent.” 

Of course, the expert guest quickly jumped in and said Yes, in some regions it’s that high. So, only as many as 90% can flash and sparkle? That’s still pretty incredible. Animals using the power of light to communicate complex details concerning mating rituals, food sources, and defense against other, toothier animals. And what do we use  ours lights for? Replacing the sun occasionally? Growing ..houseplants? Decorating our houses come the holiday season..

Welcome to another amazing edition of

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas!

We’re at 9, and instead of going on about dancing to attract (or, in most cases, repel) a mate, let’s look at the awesome power of light which seems to attract everything from mates to food to death.

The name Dumbo Octopus refers to a genus whose species run the gamut of adorable to terrifying.

I can appreciate the Atolla Jellyfish because, depending on its pose, it’s either a menacing character or the indisputable lead man in the cast of my nightmares.

Deep sea shrimp just want to show viper fish the true meaning of Christmas....lights.

Red Gree. Jellyfish

I wish I had time to photoshop a lil' Santa hat for this festive jellyfish.

Ctenophora, comb jellies, are where you go for the atypical jellyfish shapes – you can have blob shape, head massager shape, organ shape, lemon juicer shape – whatever you want!
Blue Glowing Jellyfish
And finally, it’s my favorite, the Vampire Squid.
In addition to having those dumbo ears, Vampire Squid tend to be blood red or black, act a bit aggressive, and from time to time pretend to be pineapples. Remember that Atolla Jellyfish? How it can change from scary to horrific?
This squid has that shit in spades. Literal spades.

Sparkling eyes.

Aw, it's wearing a dress, kind of. Nothing amiss here.

Please stop.


Anyway, that NYT article wasn’t trying to convince anyone that these animals are cute. It was more about how we should be nice to their habitats cause if not they will not glow as hard and refuse to put out the bioluminescent chemicals we use for medical research. Cute or not, we can’t just burn them all like I want to.

Podcast: Nicodemus, the friendly octopus, Man eaters, and Lions in Elephant Trains

Animal News: The Podcast is updating with the weirdest new intro time we have ever had.  Listen up for strange shout outs and even better news!


Newsdown 2: Conveniently Arranged Ichthyosaurs

It’s time for another NEWSDOWN.  We saw this article, and had to comment, tonight, right away.  Listen to it! It’s pretty short!

Anti-Plug: Animals Selling Themselves

No, I’m not talking about monkey prostitution like you’re thinking.

Recently, Matt did some interviewing at The Maryland Zoo and reminded me of something I really hate when it comes to zoos. Prices. Well, namely pricier items like stuffed animals, posters, and….food. THEN I thought of what truly annoyed me to the core. When places do things like this:

This has got to stop.

I realize that part of what makes me uncomfortable is the disconnect I and believe most Americans have between us and our food. I don’t care how delicious or perfectly cooked  a hamburger  is, no one wants to think of cute lil Bessie turning into one. So, images like this tend to make anyone uncomfortable.

My French is a little rusty but I think the idea here is that this sausage is an orgasm in your mouth.

And for the most part, this kind of thing doesn’t really show up anymore in places that aren’t Asia anyway.


Were they not plastered in their cheesegraves, those coconut-fried shrimp would be spinning.

What kind of jacked up nightmare is this? Just because animals can and often do eat members of their own species doesn’t mean the anthropomorphic versions should take so much pleasure in selling out their own kind. Do we really think animals would be so excited about serving up their friends for dinner?

Or even their enemies?

I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’ll stick to purchasing my animal soul-enriched products from normal restaurant representatives like children and clowns.