On the 1st Day of Xmas, My True Love Sent To Me: Fancy Bird Hairstyles

Welcome to Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

Let’s pretend that I’m going to go through each of days in that god awful song and give my own Animal News spin on it. I can’t make any promises that I’ll actually finish because I tend to lose interest when the lyrics get into dancing slaves or lepers or whatever. Let’s begin!

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “partridge” I think of the family from a show I never actually watched or a silhouette of the bird in a silhouetted tree full of silhouetted pears. Because, what other relevance does a patridge really have in my life?  It’s basically a lil’ pheasant and if they all died yesterday, no one would be surprised.

Anywho, what these animals might be remembered for is their unique hairstyles which in the grand scheme of bird hairstyles, or featherstyles, is really just mediocre. Behold a list of stylish birds!

Behold their finery!

Let’s start with an actual partridge. But not a typical, unfancy one. While most birds are content with “tufts” or “cowlicks”, the Crested Wood Partridge sports a bad ass, fiery red mohawk which communicates in no uncertain terms that it could give a fuck about the holiday season.

Bird with Mohawk Sensibilities

You've never seen this hairstyle on a Christmas card and you never will.

That’s not really a bird you would take home to mom and dad though. The Barred Eagle Owl however presents a slightly more serious front unless you can’t get past the fact that those feathers are NOT EARS.

Creepy, Staring Eagle

All of us watch The Muppets and think In what frickin world is Sam the Eagle anything like a real eagle? It's obviously based on this seriouser-than-death Barred Eagle...Owl.

For some reason, when I think of exotic birds, I think of this Crowned Crane strutting around looking mostly like a normal crane with dead sea urchin for a hat.  So “crown” just refers to weird feathers on the head? Dumb.
No one has ever worn a crown like this.
Stately Bird Crown

The original title of this post was Birds With Afros because "fancy bird styles" usually evokes the image of this afro'ed "Crowned" Crane.

For some reason, I’ve seen a lot of pigeons in asian zoos. No, not raggedy street pigeons, you silly goose. I meant the Victoria Crowned Pigeons which are bright blue and over two feet tall.
The Fanciest Bird Alive

This bird's hair reminds me of going to church as a child. I imagine this pigeon would settle for a church with nothing short of its own feathers as decoration.

 I don’t know if birds bred to fashion-forward perfection deserve a place here but here’s the Crested Gloster anyway. The bird-happy equivalent of a crazy cat lady used to work in my school and bred these in the school’s attic. He got offended when I laughed in their tiny faces.

Too cool for canary school, the gloster and its bowlcut are found among avid bird enthusiasts who protect the birds from the savage beatings they’d get in the wild.
Scrolling this far you were wondering where all the birds of paradise were. I have a few to be sure, but let me just say that they are cheating at this game. Within the bird family of Paradisaeidae, there’s all kinds of crazy hair styles. I tried to stick with the best of the best but you’ll notice that most of these birds tread the line between fancy and ridiculous (I think that’s called ‘avant garde’ in the fashion world)

I don't know what the fuck I am looking at. What part of the bird is that?

Birds of What the Fuck

This Western Parotia is best known for its bouncy, in-your-face dance routine during which it somehow transforms into what I guess looks like a Christmas tree ornament. Listen, animal. Maybe if you looked less like a decorative hair piece you wouldn't be hunted downed and used as such.

King of Eyebrows

All bird hairstyles will bow down before the great King of Saxony!!! (actual name)

So, I hope you liked those birds and this beautiful post because it only goes way downhill from here. ^_^

Internets Update! Animal Sex Man Honey!

Howdy everybody!

It’s been 30 days since our last (first) internets update, so let’s do another one.  This is once again a summation of all the search terms that people have come to this site from.

owl gif 12
gross parasites 4
animals do before earthquake 4
animal news podcasts 4
animal news podcastr 3
pictures of animals reacting on disaster 3
animal news the podcast 3
wwwdogbites owner before an earhtquake 2
beastly humans 2
wake up animal 2
animal news podcast 2
demonic owl gif 2
badass owls meme 2
demon owls 1
hookworm kimchi 1
why are owls hipster 1
bee puns 1
matt butler podcast 1
hipster salmon 1
smiling falcon 1
bee puns hipster owls 1
cat and owl gif 1
animal podcast, matt butler 1
fly zapper animated gif 1
why do animals freak out before earthquake 1
complete sequencing of genomes of four important representative species in inner mongolia, china 1
animals earthquake 1
hookworm parasite 1
hawkward owl 1
owls gif 1
hipster owl 1
do animals freak out before disaster? 1
animal sex man honey 1
winnie the pooh owl meme 1
hookworm 1
toxoplasmosis and pig 1
what did maryland animals do before the earthquake 1
hawkward 1
animal story of the week aug 29 1
highlarious animal news 1
do animals really freak out about earth quacks 1
animal fuck 1

So, what have we learned?

Owl gifs are apparently very important to our audience.  Hawkward (owl) got two, owl gifs got 12, demonic owl gif got 2.  Impressive.  Also, Winnie the Pooh owl meme was a scattershot one, but I’m glad you found us, person who was looking for the rule 34 of that one.

Natural disasters, of which I can now add torrential rain to, because it is super floody around here right now, have been pretty impressively well represented.  I think the main reasons for this are obvious.  1. We use words like freaked out to describe animals, instead of agitated.  Animals do before earthquake was one of my favorites.  Also, I do not know if “animals really freak out about earth quacks” but I’ll be damned if we don’t intend to find out.

Parasites. Gross, gross, disgusting parasites. Yeah, the people searching for that stuff are more hardcore than I am. I’m gonna go throw up.

And, I’m back. We have the general looking for podcasts about animals ones.  We have now been described for the first time as highlarious, so that’s awesome. Matt Butler Podcast has made the list again, which I think underestimates the importance of Kristin Ingram Podcast and Jake Crabbs Podcast.  You guys better google the fuck out of those terms.

And then we have the weird ones. “Animal Fuck.” Sure. “Animal Sex Man Honey.” No thank you, that sounds like it involves sex with bees, but please tell me more. “Hipster Salmon,” which should be on the codpast, but hasn’t been yet. “wwwdogbites owner before an earhtquake” which might be my favorite search of this one.

Until next month, Animal Sex Man Honey!


Update:  Last time, I mentioned that searching for ‘disturbing and gross animal podcast’ would probably be a jackpot for us.  I just checked. We’re number one (and two).

More Owls

Even though I had JUST seen Harry Potter, I completely forgot about the significance and juicy roles for owls in that series.

Delving more throughly into my Owls in the Media research, I came across this clip from a Japanese TV show. This clip demonstrates that even while trying appear as a something fairly innocuous(in this case, a frickin tree), owls can’t help be betray their inner badassary.

If you didn’t watch that, White-face Scops Owl defends itself by either fluffing its feathers up peacock-style or assuming a long, pointy looking cat-shape that’s supposed to look like a tree. Supposed to look like a tree but looks like a demon.

There’s also this owl gif

Just try to not not watch it.

Animal Extras: Hipster Owls and Falconry


In the podcast we had mentioned owls rather briefly as poor but interesting candidates for falconry training. I (Kristin) may have referred to the jadedness of hipster owls getting in the way of the owls’ path to training success. I was all thinkin’, owls have these unique bird facial expressions -birdspressions, if you will – that make them too cool for falcon school.

But, as is turning out to be usual, I was wrong.


Although falcons and hawks seem to lack the capability to make the “smiling eyes” or “smize” taught to owls by Tyra Banks, they can generate some fairly expressive faces that lend themselves to a few memes.

Behold, your new favorite word.

And so it seems like a shame that hawks and falcons get all the cool parts in movies when owls are the ones with the talent. I can only think of two famous-ish owls on tv – the Tootsie Roll owl (jerk) and the owl, Owl, from Winnie the Pooh (lame). There’s the giant one from The Secret of Nimh…which is one of the most terrifying animated animals ever.

Where are the juicy owl parts?

Turtle bombing, Falconry, and Bird Self-Reflection

New episode of Animal News: The Podcast. Check out The Modern Apprentice for more about Falconry.

Hope you like it, leave a comment.