Tuesday Video Lungh: How? Convenient…


On your way home and feeling hungry? Why not stop at a vending machine and buy some Video Lunch?

Of course, not just any vending machine will do. After all, you had candy bars and soda pop for lunch yesterday, and you are watching your figure (expand.) If only there were a vending machine that sold healthy food items, like fresh seafood. Oh, wait. There totally is a vending machine that sells fresh seafood. Anybody hungry for crabs?

So the Chinese can now get their hairy crabs (grow up) in the subway. You have to admit, these machines “save many troubles.”

Of course, the Japanese are famous for their vending machines. You’ve probably heard that one can purchase umbrellas, eggs or even used underpants from vending machines in Japan. But when I heard that China had live crab vending machines, I thought that they had even outdone the Japanese. I was wrong.

As it turns out, selling live animals in vending machines is old news in Japan. There machines sell live rhinoceros beetles. They apparently make good pets and even better mini-gladiators. (Before you freak out about that, it seems that they don’t actually get hurt when they wrestle.)

They also have claw games. Lobster claw games. Not games with lobster claws, but claw games with live lobsters as the prizes. But there is something that you should know before you write a blog post about how crazy Asia is (I’m looking at you, mirror.) Lobster claw games can be found across the United States, from Maine to Vegas.

Tuesday Video Lunch: Van On The Run


Here at Animal News the Blogcast, we tend to paint in broad strokes. Is this because we know that our readers have short attention spans? Is this because we don’t actually know what we are talking about? Will some pedant object to my ending that last question with a preposition? The answer to all of these questions is “probably.” However, occasionally, we do aspire to present real news and real perspective, even for Video Lunch.

Do you have a pet? Do you treat that pet as if it were your child, calling it your “baby” and lavishing undo attention on it? No? Well you know somebody who does. There are heaps of people out there who assert that their pets (usually dogs) are equal members of the family and claim that they love them every bit as much as they would love their own children. (It may be important to note that most of these people do not have real children of their own, but that does not make them any less sincere.)

Now imagine the dismay if government agents wanted to take away these pet owners’ “babies.” Well in Louisiana, a case like this has come up, and Jim and Donita Clark have gone on the lam with their “babies,” four capuchin monkeys. They will do anything to keep their monkeys from ending up in the hands of the government, to be separated and sent to zoos.

This issue is very divisive. Most veterinarians and other animal authorities advise against keeping monkeys as pets. Capuchins are particularly intelligent and require a lot of space and stimulation. I personally advise against keeping a monkey because I saw the movie Outbreak. But what about people who can and do provide all of the space and stimulation that a zoo would? Before going on the run, the Clarks lived in a house with two dedicated monkey playrooms and a large outdoor enclosure. The monkeys also get more personal attention than a zoo could possibly provide. Not to mention the fact that the transition would likely not be swift and easy for the monkeys.

The Department of Wildlife and Fisheries has stated that they have no intention of confiscating the monkeys, as long as an inspection shows they are well cared for and their facilities are acceptable, but the Clarks don’t trust them. Being crammed into an R/V is doing no good for the people or the monkeys, but what would you do to keep your family together?

Pacific Northwest & Horses v. Human Dignity (Graphic Content)


This news post has photos of a graphic nature portraying a human being using a horse as a sleeping bag. This post is potentially NSFW, although that depends largely one where you work. If you want all of the story, but none of the wit or and all graphic images blurred, please visit The Daily Mail.

In a podcast earlier this year, we told you all about the death of Washington resident Kenneth Pinyan. If you can’t be bothered to listen, Mr. Pinyan came to internet fame by performing lewd acts on a horse and putting video of it on the internet under the name Mr. Hands. Do not look up these videos. Eventually, Mr. Pinyan suffered perforated colon and died from his injuries.

The State of Washington promptly made it a felony to have sex with an animal or to film somebody else having sex with an animal.

Now their neighbors to the south are upping the horse pervert ante. “I see your ‘man-killed-by-horse-inside-of-him’ and raise you “horse-killed-then-stuffed-with-naked-woman.” This sounds like a game that nobody can win.

A 5’6″, 119lb, 21-year-old blonde woman (whose name has not been released) and her boyfriend euthanized a horse. The horse was old and ailing and was put down with a single shot to the brain. So far, so good. Then they decided that they wanted to eat the horse. So they eviscerated the carcass. Then they got another idea.

They started posing for photos with the body. “Hey! Check out this awesome heart!” Still not too strange right? I mean, that is kinda cool. Horse hearts are pretty, pretty big. I wonder what it’s like to be a horse’s heart. Only one way to find out: get naked and crawl inside. Like so:

Gross! Get out of there!

The criminal investigation is over. The police have decided that there was no crime committed. The horse was put down humanely and after that, what they do with the carcass is really not a legal issue. Oh, and they reportedly did go on to eat some or all of the horse. Not surprisingly, it was delicious.

What is it about the Pacific Northwest that makes people want to put horses inside of themselves and vice versa? We may never know, but I suspect that it is one of those behavior modifying parasites that Kristin is so afraid of.

EDIT: The young lady seen above has been identified as Jasha Lottin. We considered not publishing her name for fear that her reputation would suffer and that she would pay too dearly for a simple (albeit bizarre) lapse in judgement. However, we have decided that she has killed her horse and now she must sleep in it.

Elecution


If you liked our podcast about executing elephants, you’ll love the original 1903 film by Thomas Edison entitled Electrocuting an Elephant, wherein Topsy the elephant is electrocuted. Keep in mind that electrocution had been used as a method of execution for humans since 1890, so this particular electrocution was not as insane as it may seem in hindsight. Also worth noting is the fact that the word “electrocution” is actually a portmanteau of the words “electric” and “execution.” The word originally only signified execution by electricity, not accidental death or injury by electricity.

And now, our feature presentation:

Is the tag "Buzz-worthy" a pun too far? Tell us in the comments.

PETA, Movies, and Arachniphobia


Hey guys! There is a new Animal News: The Podcast!  I hope you like this one! Because I really fucking loved it.

Thanks for listening! Comment below!