Red Gree. Jellyfish

12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition


We here at ANTP will take any excuse to post about animals we like or want to eat or dislike or whatever and Kristin likes Christmas.

Here’s what we got so far:

1.Instead of partridges, we got Fancy Bird Hairstyles

2. Instead of 2 Turtle Doves, we got Two Footless Doves

3. Instead of 3 French Hens, we got Nonsense Hens

4. Instead of 4 calling birds, we got Bird Dopplegangers

5. Instead of 5 golden rings, we got Hardcore Goldfish

6. Instead of 6 Geese, we got Six Monsters Laying

7. Instead of 7 Swans, we got Seven Sloths a Swimming

8. Instead of 8 Maids, we got Eight Milk Jokes Milking

9. Instead of 9 Dancers, we got Nine Glowing Nightmares

10. Instead of 10 Lords, we got Lords of the Animals

11. Instead of 11 Pipers, we got 11 Vipers Viping

12. Instead of 12 Drummers, we got 12 Puppet Parents

Goldfish Ring

On the 5th Day of Xmas, My True Love Sent to Me: HARD-CORE-GOLD-FISH!


Welcome Back to

Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas!

Why anyone would pierce a fish is beyond me. Actually, I suppose it isn’t since I understand the basics of fishing. And…

I’m using the word “hardcore” in the title but by no means advocate piercing animals. There is absolutely no point except to very deliberately agitate the animal. Sure, they might get used to it but why even do it in the first place? Let’s find out, I guess.

Cow Septum Rings = Reasonable

“The nose ring assists the handler to control a dangerous animal with minimal risk of injury or disruption by exerting stress on one of the most sensitive parts of the animal, the nose. Bulls, especially, are powerful and sometimes unpredictable animals which, if uncontrolled, can kill or severely injure a human handler.” -Wikipedia

Septum rings

Maybe the most normal of the animal piercings. I bet they sneeze when it gets put in, I know I did!

Pig Septum Rings = Fairly Reasonable

Pigs dig or “root” with their snouts, and such digging may be undesirable in some circumstances. Nose rings make digging uncomfortable for the animal, although a rung pig is still able to forage freely through leaf litter and surface vegetation.” -Wikipedia

Left to their own devices, pigs would just dig up all the evidence you worked so hard to bury in the backyard.

Kittens with Pierced Ears = Profitable Bullshit

‘Dr Merck said metal rings through the kittens’ ears affected their hearing while studs at the back of their necks and the bases of their tails produced a permanent feeling of submission.

“It would make them feel as if they were constantly being bitten (by their mothers),” she added.’ -MSN

Kitty Ring

Don't you think cats are crazy enough, kitten piercing lady?


Goldfish Lip Ring = Complete Bullshit

” I was bored, and the fish was at the shop. It all started out as a joke, but it looked cool and it never affected him adversely. So I just left it in.” -bizarremag

97% of all irony is completely lost on fish.

I can barely justify my own piercings so I’m still having trouble understanding what the pet piercings are all about. But if you’re going to do something for the sake of being hardcore, just be a tattooed fish.

Just like with eating beached whales, living inside horses and having sex with turkeys,

Don’t do this.

It’s a hassle, it interferes with the fish’s protective slime coating and is insulting to nature.

 I’m taking a break from all this, this song is starting to wear me out.

Banned Books Week: Animals Edition


So, actually Banned Books Week was this past week (sept 24-oct 1) but whatever. I know you’re still excited about banned books, so much so that you’ll use any excuse to read the no doubt idiotic scandals that kept these books out of your school library.

And, because we’re Animal News, here are some books with animals in the titles.

Note: Books may or may not include titular animals as main characters. I’ll just cover my ass and say all books include the most animal animal of all animals: humans.

And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell: No, a Tango isn’t an animal. I discussed this book on the podcast – it’s about a gay penguin couple raising a chick. It’s clearly banned because children will later come across the story about one of the penguin’s infidelity to his male birdspouse AND CHILDREN CANNOT KNOW ABOUT INFIDELITY.

Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut: Adding a book like this to the list, I know why  teachers may have wanted it banned. Just imagine all the bullshit papers from students who didn’t reading the book going on about San Lorezan cats worshipping cradles and committing mass suicide or some nonsense. There’s only so many times you can read crap like that before doing something irrational like ban a book.

Rabbit, Run by John Updike: Rabbit, Run is the tale of a boy named Rabbit who is fast and loves carrots. His love of sex, carrots and being fast create friction with his friends from whom he must now escape. In conclusion, the author wants people to realize that despite their adorable appearance, rabbits, in fact, lead difficult lives just like the main character.

Cujo by Stephen King : You know why this book is on the list. Why, despite both being stories about a boy and his dog with rabies, Cujo gets cut and Old Yeller makes it through. If not, just infuse everything you know about Stephen King books into a story about a dog.

The Goats by Brock Cole & , incidentally, Lord of the Flies by William Golding : Not actually about titular animals but about the cruelty of young people. We’ve all seen children turn into animals with nearly no provocation whatsoever, so why are these books banned? Because we don’t want them to get any more crazy ideas, obviously.

I want to note here that, despite being frequently banned or challenged, I had to read Lord of the Flies three times in three different school due to moving three times in three years. AND I TURNED OUT FINE.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee: This story teaches us, through a constant, unsavory barrage of racial epithets that, even though mockingbirds are insufferable birds that will copy cat nearly anything and screech it ad infinitum at some ungodly hour in the morning, we shouldn’t kill them or Tom Robinson. Wait, what.

Other challenged books that I don’t really care enough to elaborate on:

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck: Actually has lots of animals. Also, bad words. You hope the animals start swearing but it unfortunately never comes to that.

Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craigshead George: Little bit of rape.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou: Unbelievable. Birds commit acts of rape, homosexual behavior and racism and WE DON’T BAN THEM.

A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck: Banned to protect children from the realities of mortality and where bacon comes from.

Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume: Heaven forbid a teenager read about another teenager learning how to cope with teenager problems. Teenagers.

I think that was pretty good. I hope everyone learned something about animals and will embark on the journey that is reading mildly depressing or upsetting content that probably would’ve gone over your head as a kid anyway.

I probably missed a few. Please offer more banned books and snarky defenses in the Comments.

Anti-Plug: Animals Selling Themselves


No, I’m not talking about monkey prostitution like you’re thinking.

Recently, Matt did some interviewing at The Maryland Zoo and reminded me of something I really hate when it comes to zoos. Prices. Well, namely pricier items like stuffed animals, posters, and….food. THEN I thought of what truly annoyed me to the core. When places do things like this:

This has got to stop.

I realize that part of what makes me uncomfortable is the disconnect I and believe most Americans have between us and our food. I don’t care how delicious or perfectly cooked  a hamburger  is, no one wants to think of cute lil Bessie turning into one. So, images like this tend to make anyone uncomfortable.

My French is a little rusty but I think the idea here is that this sausage is an orgasm in your mouth.

And for the most part, this kind of thing doesn’t really show up anymore in places that aren’t Asia anyway.

  

Were they not plastered in their cheesegraves, those coconut-fried shrimp would be spinning.

What kind of jacked up nightmare is this? Just because animals can and often do eat members of their own species doesn’t mean the anthropomorphic versions should take so much pleasure in selling out their own kind. Do we really think animals would be so excited about serving up their friends for dinner?

Or even their enemies?

I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’ll stick to purchasing my animal soul-enriched products from normal restaurant representatives like children and clowns.

Horses, Milk and Dirt


Explicit content in a new episode of Animal News: The Podcast in both content and in that the buzzing sound is explicitly annoying. Sorry everybody, I’m going to work on it and see if I can correct some of the buzzing.

Thanks to Maggie for joining us!