Marathon Blogathon: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Welcome to a special post of ANTP where, in honor of our latest podcast on horses, Matt’s Album Project, and pop culture, a couple of your authors will subject themselves wholly to the first season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

In the podcast, we sort of mentioned how this peculiar children’s show is gaining a whole host of fans that are apparently our age. Aside from a few exposures to the memes on 4chan and news of a second season, we didn’t know much more about the show than that.

So, in the interest of being relevant and Animal News: The Culturecast, Matthew and Kristin have set upon watching the series in marathon format and writing whatever the show inspires.

Episodes 1 and 2

Less than a minute in and there is more story to this that almost any other children’s show I’ve ever seen. Why does the My Little Pony backstory have more content than Pirates of Dark Water? Crap, typing this I have missed crucial parts of the pony history. Who are the sisters? What the fuck are those jewels? Are those dragonballs? Crap.

Note: It must be extremely hard for ponies to turn pages in books.

Okay, Matt here, This is going to be how this goes.  We’re watching nearly the entirety (or so the plan goes) of the first season of My Little Pony: Friendship is magic.  This immense task has been laid at our feet by our own hubris.  First off, let’s discuss what we’ve learned.  There is apparently a gigantic threat that could happen on the summer solstice, for what we’re laughingly calling “Equestria.”  Nightmare Moon, to quote Dave Barry (I am not making this up) is going to cause eternal night after being imprisioned by the Day-girl in the, for real, moon for 1000 years.

Our hero, Twilight Sparkle, an adept in the art of Pony Magic, has become aware of the prophecy, and attempts to warn the Princess of light, or some such.  However, the Princess, using the magic baby dragon Spike as a conduit for her messages, has told her to stop being such a loner freak, and make some goddamn friends.  Also, to stop bothering her on the 1000th solstice, bum bum buuuum!

So, TS has been sent to make some friends and check up on the prep for the big party.  She meets up with some southerner farmer horse (who is a horse, unlike TS, who is a unicorn) who is part of a farming collective of ponies all named apple.  Like Granny Apple, who is old and shit.  Her name is Apple Jack, and she wears a cowboy hat.

Then she meets a Pegasus who is trying to clean up the sky for the event.  Her name is Rainbow Dash, and she is the speedy one.  She meets Shutterfly, who is a shy Pegasus.  Rarity who is a fashionista.  Pinky Pie who is obviously a loose cannon.

Suprise Suprise, everything goes to shit when the ceremony is about to happen, and Nightmare Moon is released to fuck up everybodys day.  So, she has kidnapped the princess.  Whee.

So, now we have our quest set up.  Go get some fucking Macguffins with your friends, presumably learning lessons and shit the whole time.  We should be drinking more.

The second episode is actually much improved.  We now see how this is going to work.  Twilight Sparkle is shown how friendship and loyalty work, and that never giving up on ones friends is the best idea ever.  It’s fun, there is a song break where Pinkie Pie sings a pretty fucking awesome banging song.

Now, we’ve got our hero team, ready to fuck up some giant Moon pony ass.  Which they start to do.  They Care Bear Stare the shit out of the bitch, and they’ve formed their little band.  It’s pretty good actually.  And now, we meet the woman in charge. The Yoda. The princess. She asks her sister, Princess Luna to do friendship shit, and everyone fucking goes to party.  Rock and Roll.  Friendship is fucking Magic Kids.  Pinkie is going to be the fucking coolest character.

Look, this is all going to seem detached and weird, but really, you just have to imagine that you’re watching whatever Kids Show you watched as a Kid.  Look, we’ve gotten the formula down. We set up this group to fight anything bad happening.  The formula works, which is nice, but the problem is, you don’t get great characters out of that.  I’ve been told that the best way to do it is keep the characters strong.  We’ll see if that happens.

Episode 3

Kristin is going to try her hand at this.

I’m at this point sure that all of these ponies have the same voice actress and that includes the boy dragon and the one with the southern accent. It’s a high pitched, girly cartoon voice that would..I mean will probably start to blend all together over time.

Right now there’s some kind of rivalry between the newly minted friends in a patented competition between friends episode, I wonder what the trope name for this episode type is (UPDATE: Trope =Apple of Discord)

Pictured: Apples, Discord

Friends offering favors, check. Yackety Saks, check.  Reverse psychology, check. Apologies, check.

Twilight has to choose one of her psycho friends to go to a Gala. At this point, we’re starting to learn more of the ponies’ motives which makes listening to the songs and nonsense palatable. Applejack has a grandmother who needs a hip – her protestant ethics push her to succeed in her apple business. Rainbow Dash really wants to be on some kind of wonder flying team. Rarity is a gold digging, entitled girly girl trying to get seen possibly through riches, possibly through marriage.Pinky sings something about going to a carnival. Fluttershy wants to just be amongst the peace and beauty of nature. She seems the most difficult to hate amongst the ponies but sweet god, all the woodland creatures constantly hovering around her Pig Pen cloud style are starting to rub me the wrong way.

Animal Animal Hoarders

Matt’s prediction: Take Spike or she won’t go.

Kristin’s prediction: “Princess, I’m flattered that you invited me to go but I just can’t imagine going without my best friends. So, I must decline your offer.”

We’re closing in at the end of the episode and I fucking called it.

Direct quote: “If my friends can’t all go, I don’t wanna go either”

I don’t need to elaborate here. You know how this ends. Princess Celestia burns the whole place to the ground. The End.

Episode 4

Matt’s back:  We’re hanging out with Apple Jack today.  She is going to try to

Is it possible for a character to have less than one dimension?

harvest all the apples in her field.  I wonder how this is going to go.  What a suprise, she is being boastful, looking over a field of trees and telling her big brother that she is going to fuck up some trees and rock down some apples.  Did you notice that apples are involved with her?

So, we’re post credits, and there is some sort of animal stampede.  Cows are charging down the road, and are acting like cows.  So apparently, cows are somewhat retarded.  However, They are all from Fargo, so that’s good, or something.  I will now commence yelling PACKERS every time we see cows.

Apple Jack saves the town, by stopping the stampede.  Now, everyone is there to celebrate AJ’s freaking awesome ability to almost strangle a sentient being.  AJ is now being amazingly overbooked by all of her friends.  So mayhaps she won’t be able to harvest all her apples.  She’s late for the party, but shows up exhausted. And maybe a bit punchy.  What a good friend.

Let’s talk about character here.  Pinkie Pie is killing it.  She is my new favorite character.  She has the best lines of the series.  She is actually, for real, the Charlie Kelly of this show.  She steals every scene she is in, and is by far my favorite character so far.  I cannot fucking wait for Pinkie Pie to have an episode about her.

Anyway, Apple Jack is having trouble keeping up with her appointments.  Also, she’s going to jump off a tall platform to launch Rainbow Dash upwards.  This seems like a bad idea.  She fell down.  It was somewhat fucked.  Then she did it four or five more times.

Apple Jack has overbooked herself, and is exhausted.  I wonder when she is going to ask for help from her friends, it’ll happen soon. She is so prideful.  She needs to prove so much to other people.  It’s sad.  But, she’ll get hers in the end. Oh yes, she will. Of course, this isn’t revealed yet.  But, soon enough… soon enough. Jesus Christ, this is actually taking forever.

Best line of the episode so far “The horror, the horror.”  Good work My Little Pony.  I cannot believe we are watching this.  However, I’m locked the fuck in now.  We’re in this one for the long run. The lesson of this one is “sometimes, help is needed, especially for people who are somewhat stubborn.”  It’s cute.  Also, the other lesson of every episode is “Fuck Spike.”

Episode 5

Oh sweet merciful turnips, it’s looking like a Pinky episode is on its way. Matt is more excited about this than me actually coming over. Oh and SORRY MATT, it IS “P-i-n-k-I fucking – E.” What the fuck ever.

Given that we love Pinkie, it’s also time to recognize the long list of annoying shit she does: talk at a tinkly, twinkly high voice, prance around like Pepe LePew making spring noises (can she even walk?), sing, and giggle incessantly . Thankfully she has a list of endearing quirks to match the flaws.

In this episode she’s pulling potion-related pranks on her friends. She’s generally considered the village idiot, so everyone laughs off her pranks in that “Oh, she’s doing the best she can with that brain” kind of way.  We meet Rainbow Dash’s griffin friend which is, of course, a flying hipster elitist (she even gets her own guitar riff upon appearing on screen) who seems more contented than most to treat Pinkie like an underachieving moron and ditch her. It’s not enough that this badass griffin, Gilda,  ignores Pinkie, she also openly admits her hatred for Pinkie. Though temporarily driven away, Pinkie is determined to spend more time with Rainbow and expose Gilda as meanie-meanie, thieving, inconsiderate, semi-racist bitch.

Note: Pinkie Pie squinting and scheming has the exact same face as Deedee from Dexter’s Laboratory. And now that I really think about it, Pinkie Pie and Deedee may be the exact same character.

What I can admire about Pinkie is that she resorts to passive aggression to get the job done with Gilda. What? Do you mean giving people a taste of their own medicine still works?

Gilda: I am watching you like a hawk.

Pinkie Pie: Why? Can’t you watch me like a griffin?

Despite constant watching, Gilda still freaked at the abundance of Pinkie tomfoolery and exposed her bitchy roots to everyone at a party. The show introduced a character that was never meant to be in this universe anyway – things like singular griffins with a complex were always going to be purged in a society with castes of magical ponies. Thank god.

No, Gilda, *you’re* the freak.

Episode 6

This is all you need to know bout this episode.

Matt is back. Spike just got a Tom Sellick mustache, making this the best cold open so far.  We’re gambling on who this episode is going to be about.  Spike or TS are the obvious candidates.  I’m going with Spike, but TS is coming out in the lead.  We’re going to have magic off between TS and some new Unicorn.  Unicorns are the mages, remember.

We have our unicorn. Her name is Trixie.  I assume her tricks are mostly about whoring because I’ve seen Deadwood.  This one is about fucking boastfulness.  We also have our first horse pun – neigh-sayers.  Hooray.  Twilight Sparkle is the humble one, Trixie is the snake oil selling thing.  Also, she has a hat on, so I assume that it will eventually be revealed that she is actually just a pony who is just good at making things.  Also, she is trying to do the Gandalf thing of doing a great fireworks show out of her cart.

Trixie has now started challenging people.  As anyone knows from Dragonball Z’s Cell Saga, challenging everyone is rarely a good call, and usually will end up with people inside you cutting out personalities that have been absorbed by you. Oh.  That might be another show.

Trixie is owning our heroes individually.  AJ and RD have been kicked.  Then Rarity gets all up in her grille.  Calling her brutish and shit.  Rarity tries to confront her, but gets her hair turned green for her come-uppance.  Twilight Sparkle is humility-ing it up in this motherfucker.  She will, however, unleash the fucking fury soon enough.

Spike is trying so hard to get TS involved.  Apparently all other Males in this world are either quiet like AJ’s brother, or retarded like the other two that have been introduced in this one.  One of them likes pudding.  This is how dumb they are.  They are the guys from Idiocracy.

Spike is trying to convince TS to come out, but then she keeps trying to get him to lay off. She does this by getting in the way.  He’s upset.

The moron twins have decided to go into the forest and find the monster of the week.  Hooray. Let’s get some fucking action up in this piece.

The villian is actually pretty bad ass. It’s a giant bear thing.  Called an Ursa Major.  It’s pretty wild looking, and actually seems to present a genuine threat to Ponyville. Trixie, of course, can’t actually do shit when push comes to shove. So they finally decide to call in the guns.  The big guns. The Twilight Sparkle guns.

TS comes walking in like a motherfucking pimp daddy, and puts the giant bear to sleep with a bit of music, gives it a big milk bottle, picks it up and puts it to bed.  Twilight Sparkle is the shit.  Everybody is super impressed.  Twilight Sparkle wins, Trixie loses, everything is right in the Ponyverse.

Finally, Mustaches! (Find picture and insert.) Also, Dragon Pony interspecies relationships apparently are possible.  So there is that.

Episode 7

This is starting in with Shutterfly being controlling of one of her “pet” rabbits. I’m intensely curious about the hierarchy of animals in this show. So far, we know the ponies keep the cows in stables for their milk, there is at least one kind of slow mule, and Shutterfly’s job involves wrangling bunnies.

I should pay attention to this episode but I’m getting sleepy already. It’s a Shutterfly centered ep so understandably it’s not really the most compelling.

There’s a call to action, Charlie’s Angels type of montage sequence complete with disco-y music. It’s high tempo with a story to match but of course our star is too shy to utter more than a few squeaks and sentence fragments. Her crippling shyness makes my empathy organ cringe and shudder. I’ve taught students like her and they’re hard to watch. One Shutterfly in my class, broke down and cried when she couldn’t utter a single English word to win points for her team. She crumpled in on herself much like the real Shutterfly and seemed to shrink under the weight of her own fear. I wish she could see this show.

What other shows have this character? Quiet but not nerdy. Introverted but not at Aspie level. She seems to represent the large population of people who are quiet and comfortable as such. Eh maybe not really comfortable. She really needs to get a grip. Can’t jump a tiny gap? Bitch, you can fly, get a grip. Can’t tell people you don’t wanna go on a deadly mission? Grow a pair, get a grip. Will the disappointrain ever stop? I guess it had to since this episode can’t end with all the ponies getting respiratory illnesses. But of course it takes all her friends on the brink of death for her to get her shit together. And by “get her shit together” I mean talking to the villainous dragon like it’s a toddler and making it cry under the weight of its own shame. And we’ve come full circle, the ponies seemingly control yet another intelligent life form in this world: dragons. But I guess we already knew that since Spike, the baby dragon, is used like a Flintstones version of a postal service.

Episode 8: (By the way, we’ve been writing these sequentially.  So you better fucking appreciate that we are spending our time, in the service of you, the people who haven’t seen this show.)

Rarity episode.  I haven’t really been looking forward to this one, but that might be because she is a very strange character for it.  However:

This episode is actually revealing something.  These Ponies are acting as the avatars of God on Equestria.  The Pegasus group control the weather, creating the perfect conditions for growth and prosperity for the ponies.  They are the enviromental controllers.  The Unicorns have the ability to effect change for the local ponies, creating new magic and technology.  The regular ponies are the providers for the society.  This is interesting to me, because there is an implied economy in the whole thing.  I wonder who is in charge of the society.  Oh yes, the Royalty.  Hooray for Royalty.  She is also a Pega-uni-pony.  Which I guess makes sense.

Look, I can recap the episode.  Rarity is all proper and shit. Apple Jack is dirty and works hard.  They are trapped together in Twilight’s library house.  They are having a slumber party.  It’s all cute and shit.  Hooray!

The American South and England apparently cannot hang out with each other, because they get on each others nerves, like any two potential allies in a civil war.  It’s enjoyable, because Twilight doesn’t even notice what the hell is going on with the other two.  They do make-overs.  They tell ghost stories.  They subtly insult each other. They are terrified by lightning.  Twilight tells a story about the “Legend of the Headless Horse” which is clever enough to make me laugh.

This is actually nice.  I kind of like the way that the two characters are put up against each other. They are opposite ends of the spectrum, but every time there is something scary, they seem to be attached to each other again. They keep antagonizing each other, but there is no external villain to bind them together, they just continually fight with each other.

It’s quite enjoyable to watch this show actually.  I’m kind of getting into the characters, the world, and the arcs, which is pretty awesome for a kids show.  I actually hope though, that we get back to Pinkie Pie soon, because she is queen shit of fuck mountain.  I also hope that you noticed that we just passed 3000 words, because that is fucking awesome.  Also awesome, the fact that some 12 year old might find this post and have me screaming about Pinkie Pie and using swear words the whole time.

The episode resolves by having them work together.  Amazing.  They all get along at the end, and half the voice cast gets a break.  Stupid bottle episodes. BRING BACK PINKIE PIE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Episode 9

A significant portion further into this series and Matt’s losing it.

Enter Episode 9. Matt’s pumping an excited fist at Pinkie’s immediate idiotic appearance. So, I guess all of Ponyville is hiding from a hooded zebra. Cut to intro.

Twilight, not being from Ponyville is perplexed as to why everyone is hiding from a zebra. Oh a zebra, nobody knows what this is except her. The non Twilight ponies cannot figure the zebra out – she’s a witch, a pariah, a hermit, a loiterer. Who gets the character spotlight here? The tiniest pony, Apple’s nameless sister (Edit: It’s Applebloom). She’s not afraid of the zebra despite being the “little Little Pony” and the zebra being “ethnic”.

I can’t get into this episode because it’s going to be…being afraid of the zebra more and more, listening to Pinkie sing awful rhymes, being more afraid of the zebra then not being afraid of the zebra. Ok, I’m back in – Twilight just got afflicted with the worst of zebra-induced curses: limp, wiggly, spotted unicorn horn. Apple jack done got shrunk, Rarity looks like cousin It, other ponies got some lame curses and THEN Shutterfly got “cursed” with a deep, manly voice. It’s a little too sexy, this voice. This episode has now turned into me waiting for Shutterfly to talk and bouts of other pony squeals in between.

“Whoa it’s the voodoo lady’s house!” cries Matt.

The zebra is Tia Dalma and lives in the exact same house. She also speaks Ethnickian while making mysterious bubbling brews. This certainly warrants a fight from the ponies…they! The ponies who nearly destroy the zebra’s house and have been nothing but the least hospitable of hosts. I know that zebra won’t fucking stop rhyming but that is no reason to jump to confusions, ponies. Maybe open your hearts a little, try to understand the foreigner, maybe don’t be fucking jerks and experience holistic medicine because, you know, it’s kind of good for you. Cause, as it turns out, that witch was ready to help you all and be a friend. This episode is ending and you ponies think everything is hunky dory but that zebra thinks you guys are Puritanical, hyper-critical idiots and she will always think that.

“You ignorant, destructive gang of idiots.”

Episode 10

Looks as if we’ve got a Shutterfly episode.

Shutterfly is interesting to me.  I think that she had the best introduction of all of the ponies.  She was very quiet in the first place, but opened up when she found out that Spike was a dragon.  Since she actually pays attention to Spike, she is not as racist as all the other ponies obviously are.

So, apparently Princess Celestia is coming to town, so Spike has to clean the fucking library, allowing the Ponies to celebrate something for once.  Oh wait, they have a party every fucking episode.  So, apparently, everyone must be on their fucking best behavior.

OH SHIT, it’s trouble with tribbles on My Little Pony! One, if you don’t get that reference, you should feel the shame that Shutterfly would inflict on you if you hurt her friends in front of her.

“It must be really hard for them to sew” says Kristin.

Apparently, Kristin also believes that the tribbles in question, little fly ball things (seriously that is the best way to describe them) are fucking in the ponies hair.  Or they are asexually going through mitosis at an alarming rate.  Obviously, they are also gremlins.  As we all know, the three rules for pet care are 1. Don’t feed them after midnight. 2. Don’t let them touch water. and 3. Don’t put them in direct sunlight.  Yet these damn ponies just adopted a new pet without listening to the old chinese guy at the shop.

This is a pretty wide spread episode, with everyone trying to figure out the solution to the tribble problem.  I’m starting to think that Princess Celestia is going to have to come and drop the fucking colony on this town.  Just bring the whole city down.

Pinkie is distracted from the tribble problem, looking for instruments for the welcome. Shutterfly kept one, and attempted to save it, because they are cute.  Which is perfectly in character, and created a huge problem that everyone thought was solved. It wasn’t, but that is mostly because the episode isn’t over.

Ha! As if this town knows what normal rain looks like!

Every solution doesn’t work. Of course, what is going to be the solution? PINKIES FUCKING SOLUTION, MOTHERFUCKERS. That’s right. The one who gets ignored the whole time, knows exactly what the fuck is up. If you play music, they get all pied pipered up, and boom, Pinkie, the one nobody listens to because she is “crazy” and because she is “insane”  is on top of it. Everybody fucking chill out, the hero is here.

This is an awesome episode.  I quite like this show.  I’m on board.  Fuck yeah, USA.  Also, Philly-delphia is apparently a place. Everybody, seriously, you’ll like this show, because it is fucking insane, but quite good.  If you have kids, you should be on board too. Also, the Princess and the Zebra are involved in this episode. Which actually adds to the world quite a bit.  It’s a good storyline.  Also, Pinkie played the sad trombone at the end.  PINKIE. I’m gonna get a shirt. 4000 words, kids.

Episode 11

This episode is winter-centric, I guess. The ponies are in teams that compete to clean up winter..? I’m listening to the explanation but I don’t understand. Winter in the world is a mess to be cleaned up.

Ah, good. A song is explaining all this. Actually this isn’t good as I’m starting to rely on songs to explain everything that doesn’t make sense whether it be Winter Round Up, Why We Hate the Zebra or the Galloping Gala, songs unravel the strange mysteries of this world absent from an otherwise exposition-laden dialogue. To be fair though, it’s only a little contrived since Twilight is usually as confused as I am about Ponyville.

Hey, it’s OK, Twilight. I feel like an outcast, too. I don’t know how to contribute to the winter round up. Rarity’s making birds’ nests cause I guess the birds can’t manage on their no I won’t even go there. I’m sorry, Pinkie Pie, I can’t laugh in Death’s

Every episode, Pinkie strives to eliminate herself from the Ponyville gene pool.

face while intentionally treading on thin ice to…help it break properly. Shutterfly is coaxing animals out of hibernation and I…I mean Twilight will probably suck at this, too. Wait, so the animals won’t wake up without the aide of the ponies? Ok ok, I am really trying to avoid this. ANYway. Twilight literally STUNK (PUN) at coaxing skunks out of their homes and tries her hand hoof at failing under Applejack’s watch. I’m ready to stop watching Twilight fail at stuff she knows she sucks at. It’s time for her to crack open a book and remedy this wintry nastiness. The rest of the ponies aren’t able to get everything in working order but thankfully Twilight’s possessing birds and serving as head organizer.

New montage: Everything’s better than ever thanks to Twilight’s magical ability of checking things off lists. Her intense commitment to list making and checking is ensuring the timely arrival of spring which sounds easy. But think about if YOU were in charge of manually bringing about a fucking season like spring. Bringing birds back (grumble grumble), melting the snow and ice, planting every seed for every thing that needs to grow, and get all the non-pony animals to wake up and do their jobs (GRUMBLEGRUMBLE)

Episode 12

All you need to know.

So, ponies are born without that shit on their asses that indicates who they are.  They are only able to get their mark when they discover the certain something that makes them special.  So, it’s a Apple Bloom episode. Because she is the only one without her mark.

Puberty-sode, kids! So, obviously, the only way that you get your lower ass tattoo is when your reason for being is created and planted on one’s ass.  Also, the fact that it is called a cutie mark is somewhat disturbing, but let’s all just let that go.  OKAY JAKE, LET IT GO.

Okay, I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but seriously, this is pretty fucking awesome. There are two bitches giving Apple Bloom and her nerd friend don’t have cutie marks for someones Cutesiniera.  Hilarious.  Apple Bloom has decided that apples will be involved in her mark, therefore, she starts pushing apples like it’s fucking crack. Motherfuckers better start buying some apples.

Her friends name is Twist.  Will I remember that name in 10 minutes. Probably not. There was a horse with a connected moustache, therefore Twist is pushed out of my mind.  Although, her cutie mark is candy canes which is twisty. so perhaps.

Okay, let’s all be clear, southern accents are super cute when they are kidlike.  Apple Bloom is very good at speaking quickly and cutely. And therefore, I’m into this episode. Also, Ultra-pony roller derby.  Fuck yeah, USA.  Let’s fucking do it.

Kristin thinks that everyone else is painting on their cutie marks, and that she is going to be the first with one on.  It’s a good theory.

Pinkie is fucking singing again. Go Pinkie.  I assume you, having read this far, know that I am kind of obsessed with Pinkie.  Pinkie, you sang your way into my heart with your cupcake songs.  Say bingo indeed.

So, of course, she goes through AJ, RD, PP and finally gets to TS, who shows her a bunch of different cutie marks.  But none of them stick, because you don’t get pubes before your time.  What? Stop looking at me like that, you already knew that joke was coming.  I said puberty episode.

So, what is her Cutie Mark?  Well, lets watch and see. And I’ll just keep looking until she finds out.  You know what is a funny word? Flank. Flank is where cutie marks go.  Sorry, I’m just typing to keep talking.  So, we’re waiting to see her cutie mark, which still hasn’t appeared. They are insulting her with the phrase Blank Flank. But, the nerds who come out on her side give a good accounting for themselves, by pointing out that her potential is real, she can do anything. So we don’t get to fucking see her cutie mark.  Like that movie Grizzly Man, I am disappoint.

 Episode 13

If you asked me to make a super pair of pony friends, my dynamic duo would be Rainbow and Apple. Of course the two personalities are incredibly clashable and this episode will finally make note of this fact. It starts with the two starting a competition.

An Iron Pony Competition.

The most athletic ponies are gunna butt heads in an obstacle course. Rainbow wins the first trial in a timed race. Apple kills on strength which makes a ton of sense since she’s the pony doing physical work while the pegasi are flying every damn place. On self rope bondage, Rainbow would take the cake but unfortunately she can’t lasso like Apple can and does. Like a champ. Montage of events leads to a predictable tie. The tiebreaking games seem to be in Rainbow’s favor, her having wings and all.

I feel like this show wants me to hate Rainbow. Apple’s just a regular jack off, trying to make it in the world today with what she has. Rainbow gets a tiny endowment and takes every available opportunity to brag about it. You were BORN with them you self-important attention whore.

It’s not enough you have wings on your goddamn back.

At the final race, with her wings tied down – wait, Twilight is joining the race (receiving quite a bit of mockery from the duo). On snap.

Matt’s prediction: Twilight

 Kristin’s prediction: None of the main characters.

There’s a side story where Spike is inadvertently exposed to Pinkie Pie’s random jibberings. He occasionally looks at a psychotic Pinkie with a very WTF expression that reflects the feelings of the show’s viewers. Meanwhile, in the race, the two main ponies resort to cheating, using bees, tree branches…signs with arrows changings, sticky sap on the path, biting…this is turning into a looney tunes episode. There is just a comical amount of cheating towards the end of the episode which gets both runners too wrapped in their own issues to pay attention to the real race.

What a 5th place medal looks like.

Winner: Never named! BOO YA, FUCKERS I WON! ME! KRISTIN!

5th Place: Twilight (Matt: Who fucking medals in fifth?)

Last Place: Apple & Rainbow TIED! WoW!

The End.

Episode 14:

Well, we made it into the back half of the first season.  Congrats to us? I guess. Who knows?

So, we’ve got a Rarity episode. wheeeee. I dunno, I’m not super into Rarity. She is the kind of character that seems very snobby, but I don’t know if this will be the one where I come around on her.

Fashion show kids.  Six incredible dresses for six ponies.  No way.

Hey, what the fuck, we’re doing a song without Pinkie? Who let this shit happen. Actually, the voice is pretty good, and the song is pretty interesting. Well written.  Anyway, it’s a pretty good little montage, of how a pony sews with Magic.  Apparently, I write sentences about these things.

Apparently, there is something wrong with the fashion style thing, where all of Rarity’s hard work was poured into these things, so she is going to rail into them again.  Rarity is on a collision course with crazytown.  Here we go, overwhelming insanity.

It’s interesting to watch, but seriously, there is not much to talk about, because the plot is so obvious on this one that I’m just not super into it.  Also, Pinkie is just kind of being a bitch, not being her eccentric awesome self. That is not so good.  It’s just sort of boring to talk about.

So, the bigwig, Hoity Toity is coming to check things out, to see how the fashion show goes.  Of course, it’s going to be an unmitigated disaster, because she compromised her vision to make dresses that her friends wanted. Boo hoo. Boo hoo. Who cares.

So, the lesson is, never let your friends talk you into anything, because they are soulsucking monsters.  Duh.

Wait, that’s not really the lesson. The real lesson is who cares about fashion shows, because you guys are ponies.  Also, crazy cat lady comments by Pinkie are saving the show for me. Blah blah blah.

Matt quit writing at a clearly critical climax of the episode where the friends put on the original dresses in an artful themed montage of fashion. The hyper critical pony Liberacci fashion expert hires Rarity at the end, at which point she is just about to crack from making approximately 1 million dresses in less than a day.

Episode 15:

Twitchy twitchy twitch-a-twitch. It’s a Pinkie episode.

She’s already wearing an umbrella hat and Matt’s ready to go mad. Pinkie’s predicting the future here and I am frightened for Ponyville because everything Pinkie says, while funny, is the stuff of bizarro nightmares. Like toothless alligators in the tub and frog rain. She’s predicted both with no discernible sense of fear or concern. The random feelings in her body she uses to CORRECTLY predict these happenings would in anyone else be a seizure or an orgasm or possession by the devil. It’s perfectly OK for Pinkie though cause she is beyond sense and science and seizures.

Twilight tries to “figure her out” but no one’s figured out what exactly is wrong with Pinkie, mentally or otherwise, by now so what makes her think she’s gunna crack what is probably an already woefully fragmented code. Spying on Pinkie is just making things worse for Twilight since she’s currently under a load of boxes under an anvil sitting in a wheelchair with a broken leg. Did I mention the stuff of bizarro nightmares? Oh yes, that is now Twilight’s sad reality and it’s what she deserves for trying to “get” the “freak” in an upside down, magical topsy turvy world. But, no keep going, Twilight, push the boundaries of this freako episode. Incur the wrath of a random fucking hydra in a chocolate slime lake. Shit’s getting real suddenly and this really, really angry monster  seems super out of place even in this fantastical madhouse.

“Because lo! Lying before them is a super-sized portion of God’s freak-show creations. A three four-headed, giant dog hydra! And it’s getting out, out of a dream, a dream of eating kids, one for each head! And hurrah for the dog hydra! The dream has come true!”

I know the ponies will come out ok. GOD LET THEM COME OUT OK. But I am even more scared for what the lesson of the episode is supposed to be. “Listen to your crazy friends” “Science doesn’t always have the answer AND DON’T GO LOOKING FOR IT EITHER” You know, cause hydras or alligators.  Maybe it’s “Your friends aren’t crazy, they’re special.” or “Know when you need to kill one for the good of the many”

Actual Lesson: There are things we can’t explain but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t believe in them. Blah blah, your friends will help you see the truth.


Episode 16:

We’ve just hit 2 AM.  These are going to get more loopy, and we have 10 left.

Rainbow Dash episode.  Rainbow Dash is pretty much just a tomboy. Not a bad character, kind of interesting in that she is hyper competitive but still sensitive.

Look, Rainbow Dash has dreams.  She dreams of becoming one of the Blue Angels of Equestria. So, she is going to enter into a competition for the best Pegasus flying pony thing whatever.  Look, you know how this goes.  Rainbow wants to perform, but she needs someone to cheer for her, so she is getting Fluttershy to come out and root for her. Fluttershy is very quiet, but of course, that means that we must crush her under our shiny shiny boots.

Now, we’ve got more boys in the show, and therefore, we have more slurs toward boys being idiots.  You know what, my gender is not all assholes and stepping stools like Spike.  There are men out there who don’t require having their faces rubbed in their idiocy.  Anyway, the ponies have defied the laws of the world, even though one of those laws is that magic exists, therefore, they can violate the laws whenever they want.  But everybody thinks that this is perfectly okay.

Prediction time.  Here’s what is about to happen.  Rarity, who is the one with the wings at the moment, is going to fall the fuck down, necessitating a rescue by Rainbow Dash.  Since Rainbow Dash will need to break the speed of sound, she will perform well, and everyone will learn a valuable lesson about how this shit is predictable.

However, for the moment, we have bigger concerns. Why do the boy ponies have sports on their asses?  Seriously, basketballs? Why the fuck would horses play basketball?  Weights? You’re kidding right?  They care barely animate them writing, and they have to use their mouths for that.  That sounds like the incredibly bad idea committee had an insane fucking brainstorming session at about the time I am awake right now.

So, the blue angels group, who are blue, and act like angels, what with the flying, do about 12 seconds of work, and then start judging people. Rainbow is a coward, and Rarity is trying to steal her thunder.  But of course, Rarity flies too close to the sun, like Buster Bluth, and begins to plummet to her death, knocks out some blue angel guys, and inspires her friend to fucking destroy reality in what is actually a pretty cool effect.  Destroying all notion of terminal velocity, she somehow saves everyone.  Booyah, Matthew Butler, predictor of how children’s shows end.  Hooray for me.

What is the lesson? Kristin asked.  The lesson, Kristin, is that everything is good forever. Who cares about what happens. Rainbow Dash gets a crown.  Rarity learned that when you fly, you sometimes get a little too close to the sun. (You let him go into the sun!)

Episode 17:

One of the little Little Ponies is ruining Rarity’s life by turning the dressing studio inside out with her  klutzy lack of awareness. It’s one of the Cutiemarkless freak little ones whose mane is cotton candy colored. SweetieBell is the name of this thing and she’s desperate to get her mark. I sense another quest for pubes episode here.

And it is. The trio of yet untalented mini ponies is going to spend the entirety of the episode looking for their talents. But not before Rarity lays the smackdown on Sweetie Bell for being a fucking child and stealing precious, expensive fabrics. Fluttershy hopes to spare them Rarity’s wrath by babysitting for the evening while Rarity attempts to save her livelihood, her dress business.

Fluttershy & The Girls

The girls appear to want nothing more than an innocent sleepover at Fluttershy’s, an innocent sleepover of wrecking the babysitter’s place and making her more stressed than the poor thing is already. The girls play cutesie games which seems to stress Fluttershy out fantastically. I understand why she constantly tries to get away from the ponies to her getaway in the forest. She’s the only one who’s not always bouncy about, getting into competitive matches with friends or something else that is dangerous or intense. Of course, Fluttershy is the winner in a game of graveyard and lullabye singing. Sweetie Bell has a powerful voice to outshine Fluttershy’s sweet lulling one, but her unbridled enthusiasm of course loses her that match.

Ok, everything Ive typed up to this point is rendered completely irrelevant. That’s because Fluttershy has the unique ability to stare at things and control their minds. Yeah, let that sink in. She stares down chickens and, after a moment of paralyzing fear, they follow her instructions and back submissively into heir coops, like zombies. That’s how she does her job. That’s probably what keeps all the wildlife in line around Ponyville. Maybe even the ponies.

Meanwhilely, she finds the gaggle of girls on the hunt for a few escaped chickens. Shutterfly tries to corrale them back to the house but lacks the authoratative “GET BACK IN THE FUCKING HOUSE” timbre in her voice. The chicken+snake, Cockatrice, makes an appearance to try and turn Shutterfly into stone but Shutterfly unleashes her crazy stare after threatening the thing. After witnessing these badass acts, the girls call her the “Stare Master”.

I have no idea what the moral is here. Waiting.

Lesson: “Don’t bite off more than you can chew. That said, you can treat children and animals the same with positive results.”


Episode 18

The intermission was my fault.  I kind of passed out for a little bit.  It’s almost 4 am, come on.  I had work this morning.

Okay, we’ve got another Cutie Crusader episode, which is nice.  They are being given a clubhouse by Apple Jack.  They are attempting to be cute by disparaging the gift that’s just been given to them. Obviously this is just a ploy to get them away from everyone else.

However, the deathtrap that they have put them into is not the kind of gift that I would give to kids that I like, so I figure the ponies are just trying to get rid of these kids.  See, they put them into a far away part of the farm, but then they don’t give them a dog like Lassie, so when they fall down the well, no one will be there to help them.  They will die, cold and alone, in a world of magic that is cold and unfeeling to them.

So, the Cuties are running around, trying to find their fucking speciality.  Although, it is pretty obvious one of them is an extremophile, one of them is a great singer, and the other one is a hard worker. Maybe that one will be the spiritual leader of the community, what with them having to work for their living.

This montage of them trying to discover their talent has been going on for about 5 minutes, and it is pretty brutal. They keep trying things, and then looking at their own asses, as if they are a crystal ball that will reveal their true purpose to them.  However, it’s obvious that this will ONLY HAPPEN IN IT’S OWN TIME, so does this really require a third episode for us to watch them screw up at everything.

We’ve got ourselves a talent show.  Talent shows are always fun.

The Crusaders are working hard on their show.  They are going to do a super awesome dramatic song for the talent show, working hard at the weird stuff that they don’t love, even though they aren’t good at it, because they don’t actually want to find their cuties. They want to keep us in fucking suspense for no good reason.  I guess to keep us watching.  This will not work on someone as jaded as me.

They are all discovering the shit out of their talents, but only in the way that doesn’t allow them to get their cutie marks until they do the talent show. Hooray.  Guess what, I’m going to let you imagine what is actually happening.  Maybe I’ll give you some pointers.  They are constantly blowing it.

So, they are terrible, but they are discovering their own talents through the most roundabout way possible.  They are now finally at the talent show.  The idiot boys are back, and blowing magic acts like crazy.  Then, some roller skaters go out.  Then Twilight Sparkle completely slams them by telling them that they screwed each other  over because they picked the wrong talents.

Oh good, they’re performing a Ke$ha song.  Yeah, I used a dollar sign in the middle of a song.  Apparently, stupid ballads are in in Equestria this year.  They are doing well, but they are still not getting their cutie marks, because THEY ARE TERRIBLE AT WHAT THEY ARE TRYING BECAUSE THEY WON’T LISTEN TO THE ADULTS WHO ARE TELLING THEM WHAT THEIR TALENTS ARE. The whole stage collapses at the end of their performance, and THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.

The award presentation goes as expected. Best comedy act is won by the catastrophic destruction of their own props. Their cutie marks are not revealed. They figure that they tried too hard, and they should be embracing their true talent, comedy.  Because they encourage delusion in this universe, and also they like the idea of holding out on the toys, they have determined that they will never receive their cutie marks.  Seacrest out.

Episode Nine-fucking teen.

Damn, I thought I’d avoid anymore Rarity episodes. I literally do not care about anything that she’s about. She’s about to get hired to make a dress for a pony celebrity. Uh oh, she’s gunna be overwhelmed yet again. Haven’t we done this episode already? Intro.

Spike fawns over this idiot horse as she looks for more jewels for the celebrity challenge. So, we have to assume that even being jewel-less, she’s promised to make bejeweled jumpsuits for the star. Rarity uses (Not employs) Spike to find the gems in a nearby elephant graveyard and after a day’s worth of hard labor, Rarity gives him a single gem. I think Gollum is hiding amongst the bushes in this awful, barren place. Barren? Maybe not so much because every time the dragon pushes a single bit of dirt about, a literal mound of gems appears (if gems are this abundant then celebrities wouldn’t prize them, supply and demand bitches).

Maybe this isn’t the episode I think it was. The Gollums, actually “Diamond Dogs”, are after Rarity and Spike’s fighting, mighty futilely for her. Spike, being tiny and asthmatic has to gather the ponies for a rescue mission. The Diamond Dogs find ways to keep the ponies from getting to Rarity, it’s all quite unwatchable. The introduction of more intelligent animals out of nowhere is starting to get to me. Also, there are A LOT of cuts to blurry flash forwards where various characters imagine Rarity dying or conversely being saved. This doesn’t enhance the experience at all. I already knew that Spike had a huge crush on Rarity without having to see him as a supped up macho, jock dragon sweeping her off her feet and getting a hero’s kiss. The dogs want to hold Rarity forever though they obviously don’t know her as well as the viewers. She’s basically too prissy to function. She’s probably never lifted a hoof to do anything in her pristine, fancy-pants life. She never stops criticizing or complaining (“I am not whining! I am complaining.) , driving her captors insane with murderous rage. But instead of just slitting her throat, they submit to her demands for pristine, underground conditions and interior design.

Wait wait. The dog calls Rarity a “mule” (animal castes, again?). I can’t tell if she’s actually breaking down for lack of an actual soul or if she’s just using her tears to manipulate the dogs. Thank god. The pony friends arrive just in time to drown out Rarity’s whiny lamentations. I thought I hated Rainbow, but no, it’s Rarity. Because Rarity’s lesson was that being ladylike can be an asset, a force to be reckoned with. The real lesson is that if you want to enslave someone, Diamond Dogs, be prepared to break in your subjects via their spirit and possibly a gag.

Episode 20

Okay, here we go.

Rarity and Fluttershy are getting into the ring for this one.  Rarity needs a pony with poise and fashion-ability, and not understanding that they are all horses, and look pretty much identical, she selects Fluttershy, and badgers her into modelling for her.

Rarity is overreacting because someone named Photo-finish, a fashonista even more unbearable than Rarity is coming to town.  Rarity is using the other ponies (and Spike) to help.  Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie (BOOYAH) are let in on the secret.

This episode features Pinkie Pie at her manic and insane best.  She is constantly reminding Twilight Sparkle that the best way to lose her friends is to reveal the secrets that they have shared with her, even though it would be less complicated for everyone if she did.


Look, of course, Photo Finish adopts Fluttershy as the next huge star of Equestria, and Rarity gets totes jealous.  It’s one of those classic misunderstandings that never happens in real life, because you and your friends are never going to get famous.

It’s all a big misunderstanding.  Rarity insists that Fluttershy do it, because she wants the best for her, even though Fluttershy knows that it is actually Rarity’s dream.  Rarity gets all dramatical and shit, puts on a black cloak, and wants to be alone.

Fluttershy is shoved into the world of fashion and insanity.  She finds it as overwhelming as this seems, and doesn’t want any part of it.  She confides in TS that she isn’t happy doing it, and that she is only doing it for Rarity.  However, she makes TS promise not to tell Rarity, and the secret keeping enforcement stealth division, otherwise known as Pinkie “Motherfucking Time and Space Ain’t Got SHIT On Me” Pie, tells her to keep the secret.

Rarity confides in TS that she is super jealous.  But she makes TS promise not to tell Fluttershy. And breaking a promise to someone is the best way to lose a friend, FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRREEEEEVVVVERRRRR.

As an aside, it is really really weird when the ponies emote with both of their front hooves.  I keep expecting them to drop their faces straight to the ground, and slam their faces.  Does this mean that I am too into this show?  Of course.

Pinkie Pie earns the win on this episode, but Fluttershy is a solid reliever in it.  She does a lot of good work establishing exactly how much she actually feels beholden to Rarity, and little moments like her “scream” coming out as a quiet and short little peep. And her kick being a little tiny poke.  I really enjoy Fluttershy as a character.

Rarity, however, tries to blow it as much a possible, and she cannot be confined into a good stereotype.  She is super jealous, which is less rational than wanting to do well for your friend, and her ability to make Fluttershy look good at the fashion show makes it obvious that she is actually doing very well in the fashion department, and if she just waited it out, she would come into her own.

Good lesson though, which is that keeping secrets for your friends involves waiting for them to actually talk to each other.  Honesty, fidelity and Pinkie Pie.


Episode 21

Matt [incredulous] : Is this an Imperialism episode?

What the hell do you think?

Tis, Matt, tis. We opened to Apple reading a book to a tree “sleeping” under a blanket in a bed in the caboose of a train. This episode was always going to be insane.

A buffalo thing steals the caboose and we learn it’s not to kidnap the sentient apple tree. It’s because a new town of cowboy ponies have moved in and planted apple orchards on sacred “Stampeding Grounds” This episode is brimming with old West Americana symbology throughout. Of course there are feathered headdresses everywhere and beads, stetsons, teepees or Howdys in every other scene. A scene very similar to the climax in Pocahontas unfolds the cowboys on one side ready to defend their makeshift future ghost town and the indians on the horizon ready to fight down to the last fucking man. Despite the buffalo being massive animals, able to murder a pony in a single  headbutt, they succumb to the only weapons the tiny, insufferable town of Apploza can wield…

Wait for it.


Episode 22

Fluttershy is late, is late, for a very important date, as informed to her by a rabbit.

Oh, here we go.  Princess Celestia, tyrant of Equestria, the lady of the curse of the moon, who locks her relatives up for one thousand years, because she cannot share power, does not fight her sister when she comes back, but leaves it up to some middle schoolers, is throwing a fucking party.

Seriously, is this what growing up as a little girl is?  An endless succession of parties?  Like seriously, I have no idea how that works.  I assume that the real reason for all the parties is to sell the merch that needs to be sold to confound the mortal minds that make this show.  Oh no, it couldn’t just be good by itself.

Aside: Spike cooks things with his fire breath. Isn’t that just generally like spitting all over stuff?  That’s unhygenic.  Although, since he is the only dragon, it would take a lot to cross over to a mammalian cell.

Pinkie Pie is doing her best Taz impression. Grabbing up all the good food, and since it is a party, she is fully in the element.  Rarity is super overdressed. Apple Jack is confused by etiquette. Fluttershy is awkward because Celestia is improperly tending to her pet bird.  Philomena the Phoenix.  Oops, I just ruined the episode for you.

You see, every time there is a bird that is molting and looks in bad condition and is owned by royalty, I just immediately go to Phoenix.  Let’s see how well I did.

Dumbledore – Fawkes is a Phoenix.

Celestia – Philomena is a Phoenix.

So, Fluttershy does what any good person would do, and kidnapped the pet of the tyrannical dictator who rules over the society with an extremely loose iron fist.  Also, she is a pegaunipony, which means that she can presumably fly and do magic at the same time.

Really, society, this is what you want.  You seem to be a great group of regular jackoffs, but of course, you bow to the first princess to come around.  Also, since she is the ruler of the country, is she really a Princess still?  Wouldn’t she be an Empress or something like that at this point?

We have a bunch of irrational stakes raising, but of course, none of this shit matters, because even if the bird dies, it means to die, and will be reborn.

Apparently, Phil also lives in the Benny Hill universe, so he has a nice big insane Yakkity Sax scored chase scene with Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle.  Fun times.

The stupid bird dies, and is reborn, and everyone tries to take credit for killing the bird.  But the bird is reborn. And is a dick prankster.  They should have smothered it.


Episode 23

Well, I think that’s enough pointless drama for now. Viewers can only handle but so many pettty problems in Ponyville before we need our fix of actual character development. Don’t be mistaken, though, this is very obviously a Quest for Cutie Marks episode courtesy of the mini squeakers who have yet to earn their pubes.

So, we’re going through flashbacky motions of every main pony’s first period story. The six ponies’ childhoods are surprising. Apple tried her hand at a cosmo life in Mane-hattan, Fluttershy spent her babyhood in the sky before finding a life on the ground, and Pinkie had straight-laced no nonsense Amish parents. Actually the other stories are predictable but we get to see the ponies in mini forms with matching squeaky voices and childish shenanigans so it’s acceptable.

Blah blah and so on. TURNS OUT all the friends got their marks at the same time! Know why? Cause each cutie mark was a catalyst for another friend’s cutie mark! They would have never breached puberty if it weren’t for each other’s existence! How wonderfully serendipitous! How Magical. It would seem that friendship…is like a kind of magic.

The moral of this episode is too cheesy to be repeated here. So cheesy that even Spike says so but puts it to paper anyway at Twilight’s request. I suspect his mark is actually a blank that represents the space where his balls used to be. EAT IT SPIKE.

Episode 24:


Spike is an interesting character, because he is the only person in the main cast that has a pair of testicles.  I mean, he’s the only dick.  Wait, he’s a dragon.

As a man, I can tell you, we are not all fawning over a girl who would never look at us sideways if we didn’t do things for her.  Wait, I lied. That is what we all do.  When we’re 15, and just figuring out girls.  I get that he is a baby dragon, and I get that he just wants to get some horse tail (see what I did there) but seriously, give him a little more motivation than that.


Spike finally gets some focus.  He’s a baby dragon, taking care of a bunch of lady ponies, making them cookies and shit.  But of course, for all of their cries of “number one assistant,” and how “perfectly awesome” he is, the minute somebody new comes along, boom, he’s replaced.

Spike takes this perfectly in stride, and because he is replaced by an owl, he knows to be conscientious and understanding.  He acts reasonably, works hard, and proves to Twilight that he still enjoys working for her.

First, he tells the owl that he is watching him.  Then he acts reasonably and … Oh wait, no, he tries to frame the owl for bloody, disgusting, ketchup infused muuuuurder.

You know what, this was all an excuse for a long simple Who is on first joke.

Spike does go to a store that’s called Quills and Sofas.  Guess what they sell.  Hint, they are out of Quills.  I liked this joke.  It made me giggle.

Finally, after Spikes bout of villainy, he runs away and is rescued by Twilight Sparkle and Owlowiscious.

Who? Owlowiscious.

Episode 25:

Matt stepped out during the mini intro and I’m pissed. No! That’s a bad Matt. You need at least that mini bit and the title of the ep to predict the entire course of the story. Or perhaps not.

This episode is named “Party of One” and I’ll give you a moment to guess what happens.

No, please try it. I can wait.

Big Hint

Who’s the party pony with enough super intense energy to isolate her from all her friends? It’s Pinkie Pie, donchta know! Pinkie hosts one of her famous parties which is just SO FREAKING FUN that she wants to have another one. The next day.

Pinkie can’t you see that all the ponies are hungover from yesterday’s shindig? They’re tired and…oh heaven forbid, making up excuses to get out of the after party. But that’s understandable because your friends have jobs to do. Everyone else has to work for a living and puts up decent excuses. All except the one pony I thought was too mature to make up such a stupid excuse, Rarity. Matt and I discussed what we thought were the ponies ages, settling on something around 18 with Rarity possibly being older since she seems to have an established business. Eh not so much now, she has to Uh Wash Her Hair. The ponies are very obviously cooking up a surprise behind Pinkie’s back but for chrissake, Rarity, you couldn’t even come up with a decent excuse to throw Pinkie off the trail?!

Pinkie’s guests of rocks and turnips silently judge Rainbow Dash

Don’t you know that Pinkie Pie is freaking insane?! She wobbles on an emotional slide that ranges from ecstatic to psycho. She can’t stand the ponies hiding a SUPER OBVIOUS party for her and hosts a party of really passive aggressive, hostile inanimate objects to cope. They “encourage” Pinkie to ignore her friends. And even Rainbow has a difficult time pulling Pinkie away from her frightening conversations with objects to drag her to the damn party.

Even upon arriving at the surprise party complete with streamers, birthday presents, birthday cakes, and “SURPRISE!”, Pinkie is too steeped in her rage to understand what’s happening. The other ponies have to shove her face in the situation to pull her out of the nightmare fantasy she’s created for herself.

Episode 26:

Okay, we tried.  We really did try.  We were trying to get every one of these done.  And in fact, we had gotten all of them done, and they were snatched away from us by the fickle bitch that is the internets.  So, we’ll go back and get the ones that we missed done soon.  I’m fucking pissed though.  That’s some bullshit internets.

So, another day, another fucking party in Ponyville.  Apparently, two years have passed since the beginning of the series.  Hooray.  We’re going to the Gala, which is a huge party, that everyone will be attending.  This is the last episode of the season, so I assume that there will be some huge fucking monster shit, and that people are going to be all pissed.

Apparently, were going to the ball on the backs of the boys.  The girls are all dressed up, and the boys had to pull them all the way to the gala.  Wait, maybe I am wrong.  Maybe this is the gala that they got the tickets for at the end of the first episode.  That is a long wait for one picture.

So, of course, all of the fucking ponies get their hopes up that things are going to be fucking perfect.  Lesson prediction time, everyone will be disappointed, but find solace in each others company, because friendship is fucking magic, motherfuckers.

So, they have a nice big broadway style number at the top of the episode.  It’s pretty damn good, as far as it goes.  They’ve really poured in some fucking money into animating and doing the music.  They’re doing a really good job, congrats MLP:FIM, you’ve impressed me.

Spike wants everyone to hang out with everyone, but everyone else has other shit to do.  They all split up.  Princess Celestia tells TS that she has to be on her side, and because she is the princess, she fucking must be followed.  Rarity is chasing a boy.  Fluttershy is following animals around. Apple Jack is selling shit.  Rainbow Dash wants to be a fucking blue angel again. And of course, Pinky, is exploding with party fun insanity.

They’re all about to get a big lesson in how everything that you want is going to be fucking destroyed by everyone.

Rarity’s prince is a cocksucker.  Pinky’s insanity makes her an outcast.  Fluttershy is too enthusiastic about seeing animals, so they all run away from her.  Rainbow Dash’s blue angels are ignoring her.  The Princess is distracted by her duties as hostess. And of course, Apple Jack is not really selling anything.

And thus, My Little Pony gives its greatest lesson.  When things aren’t going your way  take shit into your hands, and try to do what you can, but you’ll screw it up.  And life is a series of attempting to visualize big grand parties, and ultimately being disappointed by them.  Also, they destroyed the ballroom. And made everyone look insane.  So, with this soul crushing message, the series ends.

I’m just kidding.  Of course, what we really realize is that your friends are the only thing that can make parties good.  So, they all get back together, and Spike shows them how to have a good time.  But no one acknowledges that Spike was right all along, because Spike was right the entire time, so they all have to come to the conclusion themselves.

So, thanks for reading all of this.  Hope you enjoyed it, and if you have any other suggestions for shows or such, please, send them in, we’ll happily do it.  Thanks, Matt and Kristin.

PS. Nearly 11 thousand words in this post.  That is how much we love you people.  Can you tell that I am dragging out this post script so that it potentially gets to exactly 11 thousand words?  I can, for sure. It’s kind of obvious, because I’m going to end right now.

Anti-Plug: Slutty Horses Known as ‘Struts’

In the last podcast, I anti plugged slutty toy horses. I mistakenly linked the horses I had in mind, Struts, with Bratz.

Please forgive me listeners. The Bratz line has its own line of strangely flirtacious fashion horses called Ponyz.

Eyeshadow, body glitter, shoes, and coiffed eyebrows sell toy horses. Everyone knows this.

The Struts are actually produced by the My Little Pony people which means they don’t really have the excuse of an older line of, um, suggestively dressed teen dolls. No, they had to justify Struts (Sluts + Strumpets? Oh wait it’s cause horses strut. Wait, really?) as filling a demand young girls everywhere have for horses and fashion.

I know my background in marketing might have some influence here but my solution to What is Horse + Fashion never equals this:


Most of the horse “accessories” or horsessories don’t bother me too much – I pray that their owners know that trying to put pearls, skirts, anklets and earrings on horses is a death wish- the shoes, however, are killing me.

Long time listeners know how much I hate dog shoes but at least those serve the discernible purpose of keeping paws clean. The heels these horses are sporting, which my mom would identify as “hooker heels,” are kind of the worst thing you could do to torture a horse.

Thankfully, I feel like these abominations have been exposed for the strange, unwholesomeness that they are and My Little Pony decided to move on to the now beloved, precocious, cherubic Friendship is Magic Ponies.

The only accessory that ever made sense was a damn saddle. WHY WOULD YOU PUT HEELS ON A HORSE.

 And no one ever heard from those flirty, smizing ponies in miniskirts ever again.

The End.

Podcast: The Pony Express, American Legends, and RAWHIDE

Provide your own whip sounds, and listen!

See, the telegraph office, that is a giant middle finger to the pony.  It's very deep.

The Pony Gets Laid Off