You probably thought your fantasy would never be realized given the painful reality of nature and/or furry conventions. But now there’s a way to enjoy the most intimate of your shark role playing adventures in the privacy of your home.
It’s another edition of
Hey, wait a goddamn second. I’m not Kristin. I’m not the only attractive member of the podcast other than Jake. I’m just some other guy.
Oh hey, I’m Matt!
I agree with Kristin. This song has too many birds. So, for “Geese a laying.” I thought to myself, man, Geese are so 1800’s. We have airplanes and trains and refrigeration. If I am going to give a gift to somebody, it better be better than geese. So, I just searched for eggs on google, and I want to show you what I found. Come along with me.
Aww… those eggs are so cute. I bet they would be delicious too. All you would have to do is get them away from their mom, put them in a pan, fry them up… mmm… good eats.
I wonder what kind of animal those are from. Could I handle six of them for the rest of the days of Christmas? Probably, I mean, look at how small they are.
Oh, you might be thinking to yourself. That doesn’t look so bad. It’s kind of cute with it’s bill and mammalian features.
You’d be right, if it were anything but a platypus. What that cute picture doesn’t show, and could never show, is that it’s cute little beak is actually a highly tuned electrical sensor that can track things in the water, in front of it. It has cute little fins with cute little claws, what could it really do to you though?
Oh, I may have forgotten to mention, it has two poisonous barbs in it’s hind legs, that contain a neurotoxin. Yes, the platypus is one of the few venomous mammals in the world. It also is the only one of those to lay eggs. So, maybe a herd of 56 platypus and their breeding partners would be a little out of your depth. Your true love would never wish that upon you.
Aww… Why did that man put an animal egg in his belly button, you say? Good question. anyway, that thing looks reasonable, right? Probably good eating too. Let’s see what mommy looks like.
Oh good, another monster. What the hell is that thing? Oh, it’s just another product of the Australian nightmare factory. Yes, it’s an Echidna. The Echidna, together with the Platypus make up a group called the monotremes. These animals are egg layers all. They also curl up into bundles of nightmare spikes.
You know what? We should probably look somewhere else.
I mean, look how small they are!
Oh good. Yeah, I don’t want 56 of these. I’m pretty sure you’d have 200 by the end of day one. Then things are going to get rough.
Pretty cute, right? I mean for a lizard. Hold on, I’m sensing a pattern. Maybe it isn’t as cute when it grows up.
No, I refuse on principle.
What is the catch? I know there is a catch.
No. No. No. No. No.
Right? I mean come on. There is no way this is scary, right?
Oh no. Please. No more. Just one you say? Well, maybe this will be the twist! Maybe after all of these terrifying things, the last one will be cute and cuddly.
Okay, I may be on board. It looks like an egg. Actually the creature is kind of cute. And while a non traditional egg shape, perhaps that is just what we need to change up the song.
Okay fine. The song is perfect. There is no way a goose could be terrifying right?
Animal News: The Podcast is the reason for the season. And that season is a season filled with Animal Horror Movies, bees turning the tides of battle, and Zombies.
You know, Halloween Season.