True Facts About The Seahorse

Like me, you probably need more reasons to judge animals on features and skills over which they have no control. Especially the seahorse.

We’ve spent so much time on the lowly pandas and squirrels, that we’ve hardly touched on this hopelessly inefficient swimmer what with its “Denny’s menu” of  dorsal fin. Where we, ANTP, has failed, Ze Frank provides you with a thoughtful video with scoop on nature’s most romantic predator.

Check out some True Facts About The Sloth, Baby Echidna and  Angler Fish. Thanks to io9 for keeping me hip to the latest in snarky animal videos.


On the 7th Day of Xmas, My True Love Gave to Me: Seven Sloths a-Swimming

The 7th day of Kristin’s Gloriously Masterful Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas™!

Enough with the birds already! Why would you give one person so many fowl? This song is going to give somebody avian flu. Or at least terrible foot infections.

No, the only way I can get my head around this song is if at least a half-dozen birds are replaced with sloths.

Most of the birds in this song are for eating, but the eating of swan is taboo these days. So imagine getting seven useless swans… for six straight days. They will, given the opportunity, run amok. I can’t say that sloths would be any better for eating, but an equal number of sloths would certainly be less troublesome. Running amok, or running at all, is simply not something of which they are capable.

"You run amok. I'm just going to hang out."

And swans, like just about all birds, defecate often. What’s worse, they don’t seem to care much about where they do it. As many a golf course greens-keeper knows, swans will deuce wherever they please. Do you really want to spend every day cleaning up the leavings of a large bevy of swans? I thought not. Sloths, on the other hand, only relieve themselves once a week. And then they bury it.

"A little privacy, please!"

But mostly, sloths are just wicked cool. And swans are jerks.

"I'd like to see a stupid swan try THIS."

And if you are really caught up on the wording of the song, we can get around that too. See, sloths may only be able to crawl along the ground at a top speed of 2 meters per minute, but they really are decent swimmers. So this year, don’t give geese, give sloths. Or cash, cash is always good.

Happy Holidays!

Red Gree. Jellyfish

12 Days of Christmas, Animal Edition

We here at ANTP will take any excuse to post about animals we like or want to eat or dislike or whatever and Kristin likes Christmas.

Here’s what we got so far:

1.Instead of partridges, we got Fancy Bird Hairstyles

2. Instead of 2 Turtle Doves, we got Two Footless Doves

3. Instead of 3 French Hens, we got Nonsense Hens

4. Instead of 4 calling birds, we got Bird Dopplegangers

5. Instead of 5 golden rings, we got Hardcore Goldfish

6. Instead of 6 Geese, we got Six Monsters Laying

7. Instead of 7 Swans, we got Seven Sloths a Swimming

8. Instead of 8 Maids, we got Eight Milk Jokes Milking

9. Instead of 9 Dancers, we got Nine Glowing Nightmares

10. Instead of 10 Lords, we got Lords of the Animals

11. Instead of 11 Pipers, we got 11 Vipers Viping

12. Instead of 12 Drummers, we got 12 Puppet Parents