Tabloid Thursday: Gorilla Buffalos Buffalo Zoo

Well, the “Mainstream Media” has done it again. First they hide footage that shows 9/11 was an inside job, then they blackout news about Republican front runner Ron Paul and now they are reporting that a gorilla didn’t escape the Buffalo Zoo. According to CBS, although it did bite a keeper and leave its cage “the gorilla never left the ‘secure non-public area behind’ the exhibit.”

But the Weekly World News has the real story. And the way they tell it, the breakout was carefully orchestrated and Koga the gorilla was at large on the streets of Buffalo for five hours before he was brought down by a “barrage of blow darts” from a SWAT team. Now that sounds like just the stuff for Tabloid Thursday!

It seems that a door was left unlocked and Koga simply walked out of his enclosure into the secure area behind it. There he was startled by a zookeeper and bit her. Here is where the accounts differ. Most reports claim that the gorilla was sedated by a veterinarian while still locked inside the zoo, away from the public. According to Weekly World News, however, Koga hid in a large drain pipe before making his way into the city and and causing havoc.

This photo from Weekly World News is clearly not photoshopped, I can tell by the pixels.

But that’s not all the “Lamestream Media” is covering up. Care to guess what Koga was doing whilst running about the streets of Buffalo? He was “apparently singing nursery rhymes at the top of his lungs.” That’s right, folks, this story is being suppressed because we aren’t supposed to know that the Buffalo Zoo’s is working on a super-intelligent, singing gorilla program (presumably for the CIA.)

Of course this picture of Koga looks suspiciously like the picture of Koga in the city; it's the same gorilla. It would be suspicious if it didn't look the same.


Tuesday Video Lunch: St. Rhinotines Day

Happy St. Valentine’s Day! According to a survey conducted of English speaking people who live in my apartment, no animal is more romantic than the rhinoceros. So today, let’s have a look at the love life of this majestic creature. But first, some actual news:

Last week, police and staff at the Ueno Zoological Gardens conducted a rhino escape drill. For a touch of realism, the rhinoceros substitute was a delightfully realistic papier-mâché rhino with two zoo staff inside. The wiggling ears and wagging tail are especially nice touches. I think they put on a bit too much eye shadow though; it made the rhino look a bit trampy. Luckily for us, somebody got the whole ordeal on tape for this week’s Video Lunch!

As you can see from the video, the end game for stopping an escaped rhino on a rampage is to shoot it with a tranquilizer dart. But what if the goal isn’t to stop a rhino, but to woo her? Well, as we discussed in the most recent podcast, it is notoriously difficult to sedate rhinos and other animals without killing them. For this reason (and for a number of moral reasons) we must advise that you never attempt to date-rape a rhino or any other living thing.

Our next video will show you the proper (if not always successful) way to go about courting a buxom rhinocerus lass. In this video, Romeo the rhino makes several efforts at winning the heart of a mate. He tries buying her a drink at the waterhole, he tries sweet talking her with squeaks and whines, and he even tries to pick her up by the leg and carry her off. As he confronts a wall of angry females, it looks like what he really needs is a wingman.

And, like so many human bachelors, when things don’t work out with the ladies, he goes home and breaks shit.

Oh, and since it is St. Valentine’s Day, here are some pictures of a cute girl and a horse’s heart.

The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore Interview

For real.  I seriously got to go there and interview a keeper.  It was awesome.